Let the aggression reign!

If one more columnist starts an NFL preview piece with "Are you ready for some football?", I'm gonna be forced to beat them over the head with Ben Roethlisberger's appendix. Yes, I'm ready for some football, but I prefer my mayhem with a lot less Hank Williams Jr., or for that matter, Chris Berman.

But I digress. The reason you're here is, I hope, to seek out a different perspective on games. Yes, I'll pick a winner for each contest, yada yada yada. That's the boring part. What I really hope to bring is a single observation or perspective that has eluded your obviously discerning eyes (because hey, if you're reading my ramblings, you're obviously very judicious about what you read).

So let's get to the opening week's games, starting with the Thursday nighter that kicks the whole shebang off:

MIAMI at PITTSBURGH
Clearly, the sudden absence of Big Ben due to his possibly motorcycle crash-induced appendicitis is the big story here. Ah, Charlie Batch. Now THERE'S a QB who instills confidence, eh? Because after all, not long ago, he was the latest (failed) savior of the band of misfits known as the Detroit Lions. And let's face it, if you can't lead the Lions, then by all means, you should be QB'ing the defending Super Bowl Champs. Take the Dolphins, this year's chic Super Bowl pick, to pull off the mild upset here.

ATLANTA at CAROLINA
Along with the rising and setting of the sun, if there's one thing you can count on during an NFL Sunday these days, it's the sight of Michael Vick and his awesome athletic talent, juking defensive linemen, jutting in and out of sack schemes, and, ultimatly, throwing some perfect spiral 17 feet over Alge Crumpler's head. Carolina wins this one easily.

BALTIMORE at TAMPA BAY
I just read that when John Gruden drafted Chris Simms, he told his young QB that together, they'd take over the league. Of course, that was before he had the image of Simms getting drilled by Ray Lewis, causing his deep throw to flutter into the waiting hands of Ed Reed. Baltimore rides Steve McNair's battle-weary torso to a season-opening road win.

BUFFALO at NEW ENGLAND
Okay, so you all know I'm a die-hard Patriots fan. And you also know there's no way I'm picking against Tom Brady, at home, against a team with J.P. Losman calling the signals. Then again, I think my plumber is starting at receiver for the Deion Branch-less Pats this week, so all things are possible.

CINCINNATI at KANSAS CITY
Once the Bengals get back from the police station just in time for kickoff, they'll have to hold off the authorities waiting on the sidelines to arrest the 8 players who committed crimes on the way from the jailhouse to the stadium. Alas, those authorities will be so mesmerized by Chad Johnson's combination of gold-teeth-matching hairstyle and VH-1-worthy end zone antics that Carson Palmer will be able to sneak his deviant teammates out the back door after throwing the winning touchdown pass. And even though he's gone, Dick Vermeil will STILL be crying on the Chiefs' sideline following the game.

DENVER at ST. LOUIS
Well, if this were 1999 or 2000, this one would be a no-brainer. Alas, the Rams are further away from the legacy of Kurt Warner and Marshall Faulk than I am from having a full head of hair. If there's a quality QB who has less impact on the league than Marc Bulger, he's probably next in line for the Raiders' job. On the other side, Mike Shanahan could get 1,000 yards out of Ted Kennedy. Besides, Jake Plummer won't start throwing bushels of interceptions until at least week 12.

NEW ORLEANS at CLEVELAND
I don't know about you, but I wish Reggie Bush had a different last name. How else would we know for sure who's being talked about when we read headlines like "Bush hopes to distract Katrina victims from their plight," or "Bush proving slippery to opponents." That confusion aside, Bush's rookie status won't prevent him from being the X factor against a team as bereft of big-play talent as the Browns.

NY JETS at TENNESSEE
Aside from the curiosity surrounding Vince Young's NFL debut, which I suspect will end with a win, there is exactly one reason to watch this game: To see if soon-to-be-irate new Jets coach Eric Mangini eats one of his own players. My money's on former 49ers sulker Kevan Barlow.

PHILADELPHIA at HOUSTON
All you need to know about the Texans is this: They passed on Reggie Bush with the No. 1 pick, and this week they picked up discarded RB Ron Dayne from the scrap heap to replace injured Dominic Davis. Nice going, guys. If you need a GM, I'm available. Lucky for Donovan McNabb that the Eagles' "season of recovery" begins against the league's worst-run team.

SEATTLE at DETROIT
Ah, the soap opera that is the Lions kicks into gear once again. Will Matt Millen retain his status as Detroit's public enemy No. 1? Can Jon Kitna bring a shred of respectability to the tattered lineage of Lions QBs? How do the Lions succeed with first-round WRs playing every position on the field? While the answers to those questions remain a mystery, I can assure you of one thing: They'll get their helmets handed to them by the Seahawks.

CHICAGO at GREEN BAY
After the Bears' defense finishes demolishing Brett Favre and picking off three of his passes, the Packers' legend will jump into his motorized wheelchair, head back to Shady Acres, and admit that maybe retirement wasn't such a bad idea.

DALLAS at JACKSONVILLE
This is one of the best games on the opening-week schedule, but let's be honest: Who cares about the game? It's all about T.O. and the Big Tuna. I'm half expecting Owens to pants Parcells sometime in the second half--of course, not until he's made a couple of TD catches and declared himself the winner of Dallas' collosal battle of egos despite the Jags coming out on top. At which point I'm hoping Parcells breaks him in half like a wishbone.

SAN FRANCISCO at ARIZONA
Normally this game would merely be a stinker. This year, it's still a stinker, but with some mildly intriguing subplots. For instance, will Alex "Small Hands" Smith be able to hold onto his gatorade during the many stints on the bench following three-and-outs? And will the talented skill (and in some cases aging) quartet of Kurt Warner, Emmitt Smith, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin--plenty of firepower to vanquish the Niners--be able to overcome an offensive line consisting of Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy and Pluto?

INDIANAPOLIS at NY GIANTS
Oooh, it's the Manning boys squaring off, just like in that new ESPN commercial where they Wet Willie each other through a guided tour. Both are surrounded by enviable talent and have Super Bowl aspirations. Both have finely trained media-friendly personalities. And both enter the season under tremendous pressure to win. But the edge here goes to the one who's seeking revenge for a lifetime of noogies. Enjoy your week on top, Eli.

MINNESOTA at WASHINGTON
In a departure from the usual Xs and Os that mark offensive strategy in the NFL, Joe Gibbs plans to replace his defensive line in favor of a yacht filled with female escorts, knowing all too well that the Vikings can't resist a good boat orgy. And that will leave straight-laced Brad Johnson standing there calling signals to himself, which plays right into the Redskins' hands.

SAN DIEGO at OAKLAND
Picking on the Raiders these days is like poking fun at Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson. But what the hell, let's do it anyway. After all, these are the same Raiders who signed an out-of-football-for-5-years Jeff George, only to cut him days later. The same Raiders who traded Doug Gabriel, pegged to start at WR opposite Randy Moss, to the dreaded Patriots just days before the opener. The same Raiders who've managed to devise an offensive scheme that renders Moss, perhaps the NFL's most dangerous wideout, completely harmless. Then again, without the Raiders, we wouldn't get to watch Al Davis continue his compelling transformation into an old woman. In case you haven't guessed, I'm going with the Chargers.

So, are you ready for some football?