So Much For the Mighty NFC East

Okay, so your beloved Couch Potato didn't exactly sweep through last week's schedule with the precision I'd hoped. But hey, how many of you did better than 10-6? (Shut up, O'Leary!) I'll admit, I clearly underrated Charlie Batch's capability as a backup and Michael Vick's ability to make the opposition look slow and clueless. On the plus side, I grill a mean ribeye, and I keep a clean house.

Week 1 observation: Were opening losses by the Cowboys, Giants and Redskins an ominous sign that the NFC East is way overrated, or simple coincidence? God, I hope it's the former.

(Quick note to my readers: Any rumors that my column being so late is an effort to throw you off and thus increase my chances of winning the pot are totally erroneous. Besides, how do you even know my picks match my column? Don't underestimate my deviousness.)

On to the schedule (this week I begin marking winners in bold so I don't have to waste my breath telling you the obvious):

BUFFALO (0-1) at MIAMI (0-1)
After dropping a much-hyped opener against the Roethlisberger-less Steelers, the Dolphins reportedly have petitioned the league to let them bring pot-addled RB Ricky Williams back onto the roster because he has just the goods to help them forget Nick Saban's botched calls. Pitching it to the halfback seven yards deep on a key 3rd and 2? Coach, you're in the AFC East now, not the SEC.

CAROLINA (o-1) at MINNESOTA (1-0)
In between winning his starts for the Vikings, 15-year veteran QB Brad Johnson fills his time playing bingo and pinochle at a Minneapolis home for the elderly. Meanwhile, lost in the wreckage of the Panthers' blowout loss to Atlanta (yeah, I had THAT one pegged) was the fact that Carolina averaged 51.5 yards per punt. Now THERE'S a stat that gets the juices flowing!

CLEVELAND (0-1) at CINCINNATI (1-0)
Romeo Crennel's expression while watching Reggie Bush's sparkling debut against the Browns supposedly stacked defense reminded me of watching my gape-mouthed 9-year-old watch Saturday morning cartoons. You're a long way from New England, my friend, and Charlie Frye is NOT Tom Brady.

DETROIT (0-1) at CHICAGO (1-0)
The Bears may have evoked memories of the '86 Super Bowl Shuffle team with their 26-0 dismantling of the Packers, but let's remember that their QB is Rex Grossman, who remains one step removed from a postal route. Meanwhile, the inspirational presence of my father, in town for his 50th (!) high school reunion, nearly spurred the Lions to victory over the Seahawks. Unfortunately, his call to the Couch Potato to declare what a great time he was having at Ford Field proved to be the kiss of death, not that the Lions need much help.

HOUSTON (0-1) at INDIANAPOLIS (1-0)
I'm not saying Peyton Manning may be a bit over-confident heading into this laugher, but I hear he was planning to spend the week re-tiling his bathroom.

NEW ORLEANS (1-0) at GREEN BAY (0-1)
Talk about two franchises headed in different directions. In the South, you've got a rookie savior who's managing to lift the spirits of the Katrina-ravaged region. In the North, you've got Grandpa Moses looking for the Red Sea but finding that he can't even part the waters in his bathtub. Brett Favre, it's time to step aside. Or play for the Raiders.

NY GIANTS (0-1) at PHILADELPHIA (1-0)
Not to sound the alarm in New York, but the Eagles can jump two games up on the G-men with a win this week. If that happens, the media deluge falling upon Eli Manning should mean five minutes of peace for besieged Yankees 3B Alex Rodriguez. Meanwhile, with Terrell Owens gone, Donovan McNabb's therapist suddenly has several openings in her schedule.

OAKLAND (0-1) at BALTIMORE (1-0)
After his shaky Monday night performance, I'm half expecting Aaron Brooks to be offered a recurring role on the CBS series "Lost." And given his sideline expression as the 4th quarter wore on, Art Shell can't be far behind. But then, who would be left for Randy Moss to throw under the proverbial bus?

TAMPA BAY (0-1) at ATLANTA (1-0)
Oddly enough, Jon Gruden's current team looked just as bad as his OLD team (the Raiders) in getting spanked by the Ravens. If a creaky Steve McNair at 33 can make Tampa Bay's defense look porous, what will the Bucs do with an apparently rejuvenated Michael Vick? Well, for starters, they'll lose again.

ARIZONA (0-1) at SEATTLE (1-0)
Okay, people, calm down. It's one thing for the Kurt Warner/Edgerrin James Cardinals to snip the 49ers in a spirited game. It's quite another to go on the road against the defending conference champs, no matter how uninspired the Seahawks looked last week against the Lions. I foresee headlines like "Same Old Cards" in the Arizona papers come Monday.

ST. LOUIS (1-0) at SAN FRANCISCO (0-1)
I know, there's suddenly a buzz around the 49ers--after all, they ONLY lost by a touchdown to the Cardinals last week. It wasn't long ago that this was reason enough to sacrifice the quarterback and ransack the coach's house. Meanwhile, the Rams stuffed Denver and its balanced offense last week. Which explains why Alex Smith was spotted sucking his thumb and calling Mike Nolan "Mommy" at practice this week.

KANSAS CITY (0-1) at DENVER (0-1)
Normally, this game is a tough one to pick, regardless of which city it's played in. But Trent Green's concussion means Damon Huard gets the start. You heard me right, folks, Damon Huard. That's like going out for a ribeye, but having to settle for tuna casserole. Yuck. Even Jake Plummer (who was in week 12 form in the opener) can't blow this one.

NEW ENGLAND (1-0) at NY JETS (1-0)
Let's face it. If I picked these jets to beat the Patriots, I'd have to turn in my Lifelong Pats Fan Card. Besides, when it comes to all this "Pennington is back" crap, let me remind you. He beat the Tennessee Titans, QB'd by a Raiders castoff, Kerry Collins. That's WORSE than kissing your sister.

TENNESSEE (0-1) at SAN DIEGO (1-0)
While I recognize that as good as the Chargers looked last week, they were playing the Raiders, I can't envision the aforementioned Collins being able to do jack squat against Shawne Merriman & Co. That means more of the same for the Chargers--let the bandwagon officially get rolling (that is, until it tips over from the weight of Philip Rivers inevitable sea of interceptions).

WASHINGTON (0-1) at DALLAS (0-1)
So, it looks like of these fashionable pre-season Super Bowl picks will start the season 0-2. If I have to choose a city I'd like to see launching into full panic mode, it would be Dallas, the City Without a Soul. Alas, I don't envision Parcells losing such an important division game at home, and I still think Washinton's offense has about as much firepower as a moped.

PITTSBURGH (1-0) at JACKSONVILLE (1-0)
The Steel City has become so jittery about its young star QB's propensity for bizarre twists, local fans have reassigned neighborhood watch resources into a round-the-clock Big Ben Watch. What they don't know is that backup QB Charlie Batch is the one wreaking the havoc with a little Ben Roethlisberger voodoo doll he keeps by his bed.