Disappointment Everywhere

Here it is Friday already, and it's tired and I'm late (someone just said that to me in an email recently, and I love it, so I'm stealin' it), but your Couch Potato is so eager to give you information you can use that he's willing to stay up a bit later to provide you with the keen insights you expect of him. (No good reason he didn't give them to you earlier in the week, but we'll save that for another discussion.)

So, pray tell, what doeseth the Potato's crystal ball say?

CAROLINA 0-2 at Tampa Bay 0-2
You'd be hard-pressed to find two more disappointing teams in football. And with two coaches as intense as John Fox and Jon Gruden, that disappointment has no doubt led to some fire-breathing practices of late. But since the two teams' respective confusion cancel each other out, we'll just base our pick on pure football: Tampa stinks.

CHICAGO 2-0 at MINNESOTA 2-0
The Couch Potato surely must have taken a blow to the head recently, as that's the only way to explain this strange memory he has of reading earlier about how Rex Grossman is leading the NFL in passing efficiency. In a similar memory-related incident, the Couch Potato could have sworn that Bucky Dent's fly ball on that October Monday in 1978 landed harmlessly in Jim Rice's glove.

CINCINNATI 2-0 at PITTSBURGH 1-1
That simply was not the Steelers we've all come to know sputtering in the running game last week against Jacksonville. Then again, comparing the Bengals' running D to that of the Jaguars is like debating whether Elmo can beat up Wolverine.

GREEN BAY 0-2 at DETROIT 0-2
No matter how bad Detroit has looked in its first two games--and the Lions have looked REALLY bad--there is no way they lose at home to Brett Favre's traveling retirement tour.

JACKSONVILLE 2-0 at INDIANAPOLIS 2-0
In an effort to keep Peyton Manning from getting happy feet against the Jags' physical defensive line, the Colts coaches obtained a giant mallet with which they plan to bonk Manning on the head the instant he starts dancing too much in the pocket. Manning, ever the student, supported the plan enthusiastically.

NY JETS 1-1 at BUFFALO 1-1
I don't want to say that things were cold when Jets Coach Eric Mangini and his mentor Bill Belichik met at midfield following NY's loss to the Patriots last week, but word has it that Giants Stadium has been experiencing its own mini ice age the past few days. Losing to JP Losman & Co. won't make Mangini feel any warmer.

TENNESSEE 0-2 at MIAMI 0-2
Like the Panthers and Bucs, the Dolphins have been monumentally disappointing. If Daunte Culpepper can't outplay Kerry Collins, Miami Coach Nick Saban may have to up his daily intake of Tums.

WASHINGTON 0-2 at HOUSTON 0-2
The Redskins are yet another huge disappointment, but there's no cure for that quite like the Texans. Every week that Mario Williams registers two tackles and no sacks, the shadow of Reggie Bush looming over Houston grows larger.

BALTIMORE 2-0 at CLEVELAND 0-2
I love to pick a good upset as much as anyone, especially when it's a division game and the underdog is at home. But let's be clear here: The Browns have zero chance of winning this game. Naturally, now that Couch Potato has issued a guarantee, Baltimore will lose its focus in the one game in which Cleveland brings it all together. Such is the risk of this business of football prognostication.

NY GIANTS 1-1 at SEATTLE 2-0
Jay Feeley has been seeing Qwest Field in his nightmares since he botched a game the Giants should have won over the Seahawks last year. To combat visions of his three (three!) late misses that cost the game, Feeley has forced his holder to join him in spending this week sleeping on the Qwest field surface.

PHILADELPHIA 1-1 at SAN FRANCISCO 1-1
The interesting thing about this game is the story line that's not being talked about. These are the two franchises that Terrell Owens ruined. At this point, the Eagles are a bit less ruined than the 49ers, but they're headed in opposite directions, so this could be the last time Donovan McNabb has his way with Alex Smith, Frank Gore and Antonio Bryant.

ST. LOUIS 1-1 at ARIZONA 1-1
Who can figure out the Rams? One week they look very tough against Denver, and the next they appear helpless against the 49ers. On the flip side, Arizona, which was supposed to make a quantum leap this year, looks pretty much like the same old Cardinals. Don't ask me why I'm going with Arizona. Call it a hunch.

DENVER 1-1 at NEW ENGLAND 2-0
With the emergence of the Patriots' running game, these two teams appear to be evenly matched, with one glaring exception. On one side, you've go the dull efficiency of Tom Brady. On the other you've got the similarly economical Jake Plummer, only Plummer throws a lot more interceptions. And there, ladies and gentlemen, is your ball game.

ATLANTA 2-0 at NEW ORLEANS 2-0
Who'd a thunk the Saints would be playing one of the big games of Week 3 this season? Likewise, who'd a thunk Reggie Bush would be spending as much energy eluding NCAA investigators as he does running around NFL defenses?