From Arrests to Suicide: Just Another Week in the NFL

Imagine the odds you could have gotten in Vegas had you bet that in one week, the NFL would be crowning Brett Favre as NFC offensive player of the week, yet another Cincinnati Bengal would get arrested for DUI as a teammate puked out the window, AND the latest chapter in the T.O. saga would involve reports of a suicidal overdose of painkillers? Does this mean that maybe, this is the season that Al Davis finally gives in and has a sex change operation? Just thinking out loud here...

On to this week's fascinating assortment of matchups...

ARIZONA (1-2) at ATLANTA (2-1)
Kurt Warner is reportedly returning to his earlier Bible-thumping days, holding locker-room prayer vigils in the hopes of keeping his spot on the field amid an endless string of fumbles and interceptions. Meanwhile, the latest "This is the year" for the Cardinals appears to be quickly regressing into yet another case of "This was supposed to the year, but there's always 2007."

DALLAS (1-1) at TENNESSEE (0-3)
How bad is Tennessee? Bad enough that most of the attention the Titans have been getting centers around the trade of its THIRD-STRING QB. Meanwhile, thanks to the T.O. ordeal, Bill Parcells' ulcers have spread beyond Dallas and are now threatening San Antonio.

INDIANAPOLIS (3-0) at NY JETS (2-1)
Peyton Manning completed less than 50% of his passes last week against Jacksonville, which makes the Couch Potato think he'll probably break the single-game yardage and TD records against his former division rivals. Meanwhile, the Jets have been doing it with mirrors the past two weeks, and Manning will probably break those, too.

MIAMI (1-2) at HOUSTON (0-3)
Sooner or later, Houston has to win a game or two, and the unfolding disaster that is the Dolphins may be just the victim David Carr has been desperate for. Wasn't Miami a fashionable pre-season Super Bowl favorite before the post-injury Daute Culpepperwas found out to be just a closet Jay Fiedler?

MINNESOTA (2-1) at BUFFALO (1-2)
Picking the Vikings to win on the road, especially in a place as tough as Rich Stadium, is like rooting for Elmer Fudd to catch Bugs Bunny.

NEW ORLEANS (3-0) at CAROLINA (1-2)
Just as Houston must win, New Orleans must lose, and there's nothing like a critical division game on the road to bring a team down to earth. Besides, the Saints' whole Katrina recovery theme is subject to the law of diminishing returns. This week, the returns start to diminish.

SAN DIEGO (2-0) at BALTIMORE (3-0)
This looks to me like one of those games when the wily old veteran (Steve McNair) teaches the brash youngster (Philip Rivers) a lesson. Never mind that the Ravens once again appear to have the league's most sufficating defense. With LaDanian Tomlinson finding the running lanes a lot more clogged than usual, I expect Rivers to look like a 4th-grade flag footballer by the third quarter.

SAN FRANCISCO (1-2) at KANSAS CITY (0-2)
Word has it KC may open the playbook a bit from last week so second-string QB Damon Huard can make some plays. I hear they may even allow him to throw a screen pass. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I can't see the Chiefs' defense having any success shutting down Alex Smith, Antonio Bryant and Frank Gore.

DETROIT (0-3) at ST. LOUIS (2-1)
Having been burned by brash back-to-back victory guarantees, Lions WR Roy Williams has changed his tactics, instead promising that the Lions would, in fact, go out for some authentic barbecue while visiting St. Louis.

CLEVELAND (0-3) at OAKLAND (0-2)
If anyone out there has any theories as to why 60,000 people would be willing to pay to see this game (last year's matchup of these teams drew just north of 40,000 in Oakland), please feel free to explain it to the rest of us. And no, the answer "they're Raiders fans," while certainly bringing their sanity into question, isn't good enough.

JACKSONVILLE (2-1) at WASHINGTON (1-2)
Mark Brunell could complete 39 passes in a row this week, and it still won't matter. Jacksonville is simply the far superior team here. Then again, if Clinton Portis dresses up as Earnest Byner, maybe, just maybe, the Jaguars' defense will soften.

NEW ENGLAND (2-1) at CINCINNATI (3-0)
Every once in a while, your beloved Couch Potato has to turn his back on his Patriots for the sake of the almighty dollar. This is just such a week. The Pats looked listless against Denver at home, while Cincy spanked the Steelers in Pittsburgh. But if the unlikely happens and the two Johnsons--Rudy and Chad--join the fast-growing ranks of Bengals who've been booked by Cincinnati police of this season, then all bets are off.

SEATTLE (3-0) at CHICAGO (3-0)
With Shaun Alexander out, the Bears will absolutely feast on Matt Hasselbeck. Is it possible he could emerge from this game with even less hair? Even if Rex Grossman stops channeling Johnny Unitas, the Bears have too much D to lose this one at home.

GREEN BAY (1-2) at PHILADELPHIA (2-1)
Both teams have legends calling signals. Brett Favre is enjoying a renaissance over the past two games for the Packers, and Donovan McNabb is clearly enjoying his life ATO (after Terrell Owens). Alas, Favre is 8 years older, and McNabb has far superior talent around him. You do the math.