This Time It's For Keeps!

Know this: The Couch Potato felt your sorrow when he had to curtail his effort to revive his beloved column last year (see those entries below). Alas, his heart was heavy from some personal trials, and the job proved too daunting. But this year, your humble servant in making sense of the insane NFL landscape is back, albeit a week late, and he's back with a vengeance, baby!

If you don't believe his words, consider this: The Couch Potato has taken the plunge to the dark side, occupying a spot in Fantasy Football league for the first time. That means having to raise the bar significantly when it comes to obsessing over every little detail that NFL rosters have to offer. It also means that by season's end, Couch Potato could find himself caring more about whether the Cleveland Browns' 4th string receiver has a hangnail than whether his beloved Patriots are illegally wiretapping American homes in search of inside information on the coming opponents game plan.

So, who's ready for some dogfighting!? Bring on the hounds!

A look at this week's schedule, with predicted winners in bold:

ATLANTA (0-1) AT JACKSONVILLE (0-1)
If there's one thing we learned last week--when there was real NFL action for the first time since the revelations about Michael Vick's darker side became known, thus letting down a team, a league, and a city--it's this: Atlanta stinks.

BUFFALO (0-1) AT PITTSBURGH (1-0)
Sure, Pittsburgh kicked the living crap out of Cleveland last week with an onslaught of offensive efficiency and defensive intensity. I also beat the daylights out of my son and his 5th grade friend in driveway basketball, but you don't see me pounding on my chest, do ya? (Still, this week the Steelers get to feast on J.P. Losman at home. 'Nuff said.)

CINCINNATI 1-0) AT CLEVELAND (0-1)
I'm sorry--there was something else we learned amid Pittsburgh's relentless pass rush and the Brown's subsequent decision to TRADE THEIR STARTING QB after one game: Cleveland stinks even worse than Atlanta.

GREEN BAY (1-0) AT NY GIANTS (0-1)
First the Giants endured yet another offseason filled with drama, what with the war of words between the organization and retired RB Tiki Barber, and the on again/off again retirement of DE Michael Strahan. Then the team loses its two brightest rising stars, Eli Manning and Brandon Jacobs, to first-week injuries. Sheesh, who's Tom Coughlin gonna yell at?

HOUSTON (1-0) AT CAROLINA (1-0)
That sound you hear is the weight of the fast-forming Texans' bandwagon creaking under the kind of weight it's never known. Hold on, folks, it's only been one week, and it's Matt Schaub, not John Elway. Plus, you beat Kansas City, which is one of the 4 or 5 worst teams in the league. Not to mention that you STILL passed on Reggie Bush. (The Couch Potato lives to provide teams with these kinds of reality checks.)

INDIANAPOLIS (1-0) AT TENNESSEE (1-0)
Little known fact: The Titans held Indy to just 33 points combined in two games last season. Clearly, the Colts were not subscribing to the Bill Belichick method of competitive advantage.

NEW ORLEANS (0-1) AT TAMPA BAY (0-1)
Belichick's fall from the genius ranks this week aside, has there ever been a coach who has fallen further from a Super Bowl title than Jon Gruden? If he was ever going to question the sanity of his legendary 3:17 a.m. wake-ups, now's the time.

SAN FRANCISCO (1-0) AT ST. LOUIS (0-1)
This is how far the 49ers have fallen since their heyday: The Bay Area got totally worked up about the team's comeback win last week over Arizona--ARIZONA, for criminy's sake. Somewhere, Bill Walsh was turning over in his grave.

DALLAS (1-0) AT MIAMI (0-1)
A win over the Dolphins will be gravy for the Cowboys, who were named the most valuable franchise in sports this week by Forbes. Once Terrell Owens inevitably combusts and parts way with the team, perhaps that value will go up further--y'know, the whole addition by subtraction thing. Until then, enjoy the show. It'll be a doozy.

MINNESOTA (1-0) AT DETROIT (1-0)
I know, it was only the Raiders, but the Lions sure LOOKED more confident last week. Now they face a division foe they haven't beaten since 2001. (Yes, that's six years ago, for the math-challenged among you.) I can't believe I'm even putting these words together in a sentence, but John Kitna may be the best QB Detroit has had in my lifetime.

SEATTLE (1-0) AT ARIZONA (0-1)
These teams are so far off the NFL's glamour map that I'll use this opportunity to offer up a fantasy rant: Seattle's #1 WR, former Patriot Deion Branch, caught ZERO balls last week. Naturally, he was in my starting lineup. See what happens when you don't have tape of the opponent's defensive signals?

KANSAS CITY (0-1) AT CHICAGO (0-1)
You remember that butt-kicking of 5th graders I mentioned having achieved? That was a fairer matchup than Kansas City's punchless offense against the Bears' lunatic defense, which will be as riled as a pit bull after holding Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson to 25 yards rushing last week only to watch the Bears' offense sputter away any chance of winning.

NY JETS (0-1) AT BALTIMORE (0-1)
Seeing these two NFL cities next to each other brings to mind the Jets' 1969 Super Bowl victory that was guaranteed by the brash Broadway Joe Namath. Okay, so that was the Baltimore COLTS, not the Ravens. Details, details. Still, consider this: You think Jets fans weren't fantasizing about Namath while they CHEERED Chad Pennington's injury last week?

OAKLAND (0-1) AT DENVER (1-0)
Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan is 19-5 against the Raiders during his tenure in Denver. That, folks, is what we in the journalism business like to call a "trend."

SAN DIEGO (1-0) AT NEW ENGLAND (1-0)
Rumor has it that this week, in an effort to better skirt the NFL's rules, Bill Belichick has the Gillette Stadium grounds crew building an exhaustive tunneling system so his coaches can listen, undetected, from under the Chargers' huddle, relaying information about the next play to the Pats' defense. If caught, Belichick plans to refer to it as a "field maintenance procedure."

WASHINGTON (1-0) AT PHILADELPHIA (0-1)
Mistake: Eagles cut their primary punt returner, Reno Mahe, just before the season starts, thinking others can fill the role. Result: Two muffed punts cost the Eagles the opener in Green Bay. Reaction: Mahe is re-signed three days later, and one of his replacements is released. Lesson learned: Gee whiz, guys, special teams are important? Who knew?