Lions & Texans & Browns, Oh My!

In a league where Derek "Who?" Anderson has three times as many TD passes as a top-flight QB like Mark Bulger, one has to get comfortable with expecting the unexpected. Like Anderson and his Cleveland Browns ringing up 51 points on the Bengals, or the New Orleans Saints not being able to score. Like Washington, Houston, San Francisco and Detroit--Detroit!--at 2-0, while the 0-2 Eagles, Rams, Saints and Giants watch what were supposed to be promising seasons go down the drain. Like NY Jets coach Eric Mangini appearing to take a bigger reputation hit for turning in Bill "The Una-taper" Belichick than Belichick has for cheating. Like a national TV audience getting to watch Mike Ditka scratch his nuts.

Yes, it's fun, fun, fun in the topsy-turvy, paranoid delusional, Neanderthal world of the NFL. Why else would the Couch Potato lay down $325 for DirecTV's HD Sunday NFL Ticket package? What could be more entertaining than watching unpredictable, unethical, and uncivilized boors bashing heads and psyches every week? Oh, wait, that was the season premier of "Survivor"--my bad!

On to this week's slate of psychological warfare:

ARIZONA (1-1) AT BALTIMORE (1-1)
Yes, the Cardinals look somewhat better than last year. Yes, Matt Leinart appears to be the real deal. Yes, Edgerrin James is having a career revival. Yes, Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald are a scary WR duo. No, Arizona will not beat Ray Lewis & Co. in Baltimore.

BUFFALO (0-2) AT NEW ENGLAND (2-0)
Couch Potato could put a lot of energy into analyzing the matchups, pointing out the familiarity these teams have with each other, wondering if not having that tape of their opponents' defensive coaches will eventually catch up with the Patriots. But really, it comes down to this: J.P. Losman vs. Tom Brady. 'Nuff said.

DETROIT (2-0) AT PHILADELPHIA (0-2)
As your beloved Couch Potato watched the Lions trot Jon Kitna back out just a quarter or so after suffering his third career concussion, he couldn't help but think of that cartoon character who nods his head in agreement enthusiastically, causing a rattling sound inside his skull. Meanwhile, Donovan McNabb will win this crucial game for the Eagles on behalf of over-criticized, harshly judged, multi-millionaire African-American superstar QBs everywhere.

INDIANAPOLIS (2-0) AT HOUSTON (2-0)
It would be sweet, indeed, to see the upstart Texans send a message to the league by knocking off the defending champs, thereby validating their rising status as an up-and-coming team. It also would be sweet if a giant anvil fell from the sky onto O.J. Simpson's head. Alas, neither of those things are going to happen.

MIAMI (0-2) AT N.Y. JETS (0-2)
These two teams are disasters in the making. Miami is finding out that an aging Trent Green is not an aging Dan Marino, and Ronnie Brown may not be stoned, but he's still no Ricky Williams. Meanwhile, fans of the Belichick-ratting Jets, in the midst of yet another season undermined by Chad Pennington's fragility, are fretting over the loss of their top CHEERLEADER, the guy who yells "J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS!" That's encouraging.

MINNESOTA (1-1) AT KANSAS CITY (0-2)
Exhibit A: A Vikings defense that's known as a run stuffer. Exhibit B: A Chiefs offense that has nothing to offer beyond Larry Johnson. This is what is known is the gambling business as a "sure thing."

SAN DIEGO (1-1) AT GREEN BAY (2-0)
Shawn Merriman's gyrating sack celebrations when his team is down three touchdowns may be a case of bad taste, but for a re-energized Brett Favre, backed by a rebuilt Packers' defense, catching the lip-flapping Chargers after they got spanked in New England is a case of bad timing.

SAN FRANCISCO (2-0) AT PITTSBURGH (2-0)
Yeah, there's a lot of excitement in the Bay Area over the Niners' better-than-expected start, but the offense is averaging under 200 yards, and the Steelers' D is on fire. Can you say wake-up call?

ST. LOUIS (0-2) AT TAMPA BAY (1-1)
The Couch Potato remains pretty convinced that St. Louis is better than it has shown, and the Bucs aren't as good as they looked last week. The Couch Potato also believes that integrity is more valuable than power, good triumphs over evil, and everyone is entitled to quality healthcare. He can't be wrong about everything, so the Rams win.

CINCINNATI (1-1) AT SEATTLE (1-1)
Anyone who's followed the Couch Potato's ramblings over the years knows that he has about as much faith in the Seahawks as he does in Congress. That said, when the Bengals surrender 51 points to a Browns team that traded its starting QB after one game to switch to a guy named Derek who's started 4 times, it's time to wonder what the heck "defensive genius" Marvin Lewis is doing on the Cincy sideline.

CLEVELAND (1-1) AT OAKLAND (0-2)
Question: If these two teams played in the forest, would they make a sound? Answer: No, but we'd all be able to hear the Raiders' fans whine afterward. Yes, this implies that the big CP would love to see Oakland lose this game (sorry you conspiracy-spouting Al Davis worshippers), but he just can't see Derek Anderson pulling off an encore. Then again, Couch Potato didn't see the sum-prime mortgage crisis coming, either.

JACKSONVILLE (1-1) AT DENVER (2-0)
Couch Potato can hear your consternation. The Broncos are at home, they're 2-0, and they've pulled out two nail-biters (albeit against the bottom-feeding Bills and Raiders). Jacksonville got absolutely run over by the Titans two weeks ago, and then barely squeaked by a terrible Atlanta team. Well, how's this for logic: Couch Potato doesn't care.

CAROLINA (1-1) AT ATLANTA (0-2)
As he sits on the bench soaking up the site of Joey Harrington running for his life, newly signed Falcons QB Byron Leftwich, formerly of the Jaguars, will wonder why the hell he didn't buy a yacht and sail around the world before signing with a contender in the coming off-season.

N.Y. GIANTS (0-2) AT WASHINGTON (2-0)
You would think the Giants would rally in a time of desperation and gather themselves to stave off disaster for at least one game. You would think that Eli Manning would find some inner fire for such a critical division matchup. You would think that taskmaster Tom Coughlin would whip this distracted team into shape when it counted. You would think Giants fans would rally around their struggling team with unconditional support. You'd be wrong.

DALLAS (2-0) AT CHICAGO (1-1)
So, Devin Hester thinks Dallas would be chicken not to kick the ball to him. Man up and tackle me, he says. As a fan, Couch Potato agrees. As a wannabe coach, he has just one response: When you play a one-dimensional team, you take away their one weapon. Doing so puts the game in the hands of Tony Romo and Rex Grossman. Advantage, Cowboys.

TENNESSEE (1-1) AT NEW ORLEANS (0-2)
After controlling the line of scrimmage against the Jaguars and Colts in their first two games, the Titans look like a team about ready to break out. After getting manhandled by the Colts and Buccaneers, the Saints look like a team about ready to break down. Then there's the little matter of Vince Young's Superman cape, and the hunch here is he's going to dust that baby off for a national Monday night audience, much the way Couch Potato has dusted off his keyboard for a return to his loyal readers.