Back with a Bang

Couch Potato deserves a little more respect than he's getting after splitting the pot following his first column in four years. But nooooo...first, he doesn't even get contacted by the erstwhile Mike Rowson for the weekly interview the latter has taken ownership of. Then he gets an email from Mike Krey Friday alerting him to the fact that this column was not yet posted, with the comment, "Reports of C.P.'s resurrection were overstated, it would seem ...?"

Oh, these are sad times indeed when people would willingly poke at columnists for missing deadlines that haven't even arrived yet. Because if memory serves, there aren't any games until Sunday. And yet here's this week's post, ready for viewing in the wee hours of Saturday morning. Listen, Krey, it's not my fault you're living in 1997 and only get on the computer at the office.

Couch Potato will admit to being later than hoped with this week's edition, and while he'd love to blame it on a busy work week, he can't, so he'll take the low road and pin it all on the toddler, whom he's been caring for constantly since mid-day Wednesday.

Now, before we get to some football, Couch Potato first would like to delve into a topic near and dear to him: Himself. Since he didn't have time to send his co-winner, Chris, a list of questions (Rowson, you're fallin' down on the job!), you'll have to settle for getting to know half of this week's winning tandem:

Couch Potato Report: Why on Earth are you a Patriots fan?
Couch Potato: My hometown team was the Rams, which was enough to send any football fan scurrying for a team. But then I saw Steve Grogan start at quarterback for the Pats while wearing a neck brace. A year later, when I was 13, while on a trip back east with my family, I made the then-biggest purchase of my life: a leather Steve Grogan-autographed football.

CPR: Proudest moment as a player in this pool?
CP: When my son, then 11, won the playoff pot and walked off with $325.

CPR: Favorite restaurant?
CP: Hands down, Gregoire in Berkeley, CA, about 8 minutes from my house. Delicious gourmet to-go fare, at a very reasonable price. I've ordered there at least 8-10 times for visiting friends and family, and not once has a single person thought their dinner was anything less than wonderful. Best part: I discovered it the night my younger son, Max, was born. The new mom sent me out for any alternative to hospital food, and I ended up stumbling upon Gregoire and bringing her scallops in puff pastry. I had rack of lamb. It was a memorable meal, to be sure.

CPR: What do you do when not hiding behind your Couch Potato persona?
CP: Write business-technology content for publications and corporations, dream of making a living as the Couch Potato, work on home improvement projects, play saxophone/percussion/guitar, and make sarcastic comments whenever possible.

CPR: Super Bowl pick?
CP: Are you kidding? Pats, of course. How could I be a true fan and not think that after watching Brady's first two games? I'm certainly not picking the freakin' Jets. I see the Pats playing either the Packers or Saints. Just can't see the Falcons getting there--yet.

CPR: Mental illness or narcotic addiction?
CP: That's a tough choice.

Alright, enough of that. Time for some analysis of this week's games:

Houston at New Orleans
Hard not to get worked up for a game like this, which figures to be a ping-pong match featuring two explosive aerial offenses. And to think, a few short years ago this match-up would have brought us David Carr vs. Aaron Brooks. Thank goodness for small favors.

NY Giants at Philadelphia
How ironic that the Eagles found themselves being quarterbacked by a guy named Kafka Monday night, because if Michael Vick can't play, this team will undergo a metamorphosis, and it won't be pretty.

Jacksonville at Carolina
Two games into the Cam Newton Era, and the amazing rookie already has his first quarterbacking mismatch. Luke McCown doesn't even belong on the same planet as Newton. [UPDATE: I'm a nimrod for not being aware at the time of my original post that fellow Mizzou alum Blaine Gabbert would be starting behind center for the Jags.]

New England at Buffalo
If the first two weeks were any indication, these teams could combine to score 100 points. But lets face it--no matter how well the Bills play, in a close game in the fourth quarter, who are you taking: Tom Brady or Ryan Fitzpatrick? Yeah, I thought so. [UPDATE: Whoops!]

Miami at Cleveland
Will anyone even remember Chad Henne's 400-yard opener? Methinks the 12-for-30, 170-yard stinker he put up last week is a more accurate gauge of his abilities.

San Francisco at Cincinnati
The thought of Alex Smith and Cedric Benson exchanging bad passes and slow-motion runs makes this game the most unwatchable of the week. Frank Gore and Andy Dalton almost make it watchable. Almost.

Denver at Tennessee
The Titans' total domination of Baltimore last Sunday--with a big game from the ageless Matt Hasselbeck and absolutely nothing from Chris Johnson--came one week after getting beat by a Jacksonville team being quarterbacked by Luke McCown. That, ladies and gentlemen, sums up the vagaries of football pools better than anything the Couch Potato could possibly write.

Detroit at Minnesota
One of these teams is a disaster crumbling around a great running back, and no, we're not talking about the Lions circa 1996. AP deserves better. Meanwhile, it's pretty clear the Lions will live up to the hype if Stafford stays healthy.

Baltimore at St. Louis
The question everyone in Baltimore wants to know: Who are the real Ravens? The team that manhandled the Steelers on opening day, or the one that was embarrassed by an anemic Tennessee team that got only 53 yards out of Chris Johnson? It says here we only really find out if Steven Jackson can go for the Rams.

NY Jets at Oakland
Rex Ryan brings his blustery showmanship to the Black Hole, where the events in the stands are a lot scarier than anything the Raiders muster up on the field. That said, Oakland's offense is vastly improved and will prove an apt test for the Jets' D.

Kansas City at San Diego
Where's all that talk about how the Patriots should have traded Brady and kept Matt Cassel now? It may be too early to give up on Cassel, but it's definitely not to early to wonder if he's got what it takes to win.

Arizona at Seattle
I don't know what's the ugliest thing facing Pete Carroll right now: That he's reportedly having strife with the Seahawks' front office; that he's still committed to Tarvaris Jackson despite the fact that he rest of the Western Hemisphere knows he's awful; or that this team could easily match the Detroit Lions' winless 2006 campaign.

Atlanta at Tampa Bay
With the Michael Vick visit having been dealt with ceremoniously (see Kafka reference above), the Falcons can get back to the business of underachieving on the road.

Green Bay at Chicago
After a decent opener, Jay Cutler was 19-for-45 last week against the Saints. That ain't gonna get it done against Drew Brees' precision attack. Is this going to be the season Cutler rises above it all, or will he play down to the lack of expectations as usual. If I was a Bears' fan, I'd be sick of the drama, frankly.

Pittsburgh at Indianapolis
The greatness of Peyton Manning will become more evident with each passing week watching Kerry Collins reduce Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark to footnotes. Getting a Steelers team that will be out to prove their Week 1 blowout loss to the Ravens was a fluke is a stroke of bad luck.

MONDAY
Washington at Dallas
Only two games into the Redskins' Rex Grossman experiment, and this is how surprising he's been: fans are starting to peek through their fingers and actually allow themselves to see the action. Conversely, it's impossible to look away when Tony Romo's playing--sort of like when you pass a pileup on the other side of the freeway.