The Return of The Couch Potato

You've asked for it, and now you're gonna read it whether you like it or not. After a nearly four-year hiatus, I'm bringing the Couch Potato Report back to life. When last I wrote about the NFL, the Patriots were wrapping up a 16-0 regular season that would end in bitter disappointment; I had not yet met Sarah, the fulcrum of my life today and mother of my second child; George W. Bush was still, gulp, President; most of us had never heard of Facebook; Modern Family didn't exist; and Osama Bin Laden was still alive.

In terms of football, the landscape has similarly changed. Back in 2007, Randy Moss was still relevant. Michael Vick had just started his prison sentence. No one--and I mean NO ONE--knew who David Tyree was. Plaxico Burress' had managed not to shoot himself yet. LT was still the best player in the league. Ben Roethlisberger wasn't a twice-accused sex offender. The New Orleans Saints and Arizona Cardinals still hadn't been to a Super Bowl. Alex Smith was...oh, wait, some things never change.

But enough of this trip down memory lane...let's remember why we're all gathered her today: To think about football. We've all got picks to make, and surely, some of you can use the keen insight that the CPR can bestow upon you--or not. After all, I haven't won jack the last few years. Like I'm gonna let a little thing like total cluelessness stop me from spouting opinions.

Before I move on to the Week 2 schedule, a quick plea: If you like what you're reading here, make sure to say so by commenting, becoming a follower, telling your friends/family about this awesome football blogger you read--whatever it takes to make me look good.

Now, on to the games (and if you don't know what the numbers in parentheses are, don't wait for an explanation; if you haven't learned yet, I'm not about to enlighten you):

Kansas City at Detroit (-8 1/2): After 41-7 pasting at home at the hands of the Bills, Chiefs seriously considering bringing back Steve DeBerg. Now they go on the road to face the up-and-coming Lions. Of course, the fragile Matthew Stafford could be on a stretcher by the second quarter, in which case all bets are off.

Oakland at Buffalo (-3): Get this--if Oakland wants to win this game, it has to keep Ryan Fitzpatrick in check. Bet you didn't see THAT one coming.

Tampa Bay at Minnesota (-3): Donovan McNabb threw for 39 yards in Week 1. 39 yards! I've spit cherry pits that far. Suddenly, Tarvaris Jackson looks mighty good in comparison, eh, Vikings fans? Go with the underdog here.

Chicago at New Orleans (-7): New Orleans needs a win after epic loss to Green Bay, while Chicago is coming off an unexpected upset of Atlanta. If that doesn't convince you, maybe this will: Drew Brees vs. Jay Cutler. 'Nuff said.

Baltimore (-6) at Tennessee: Baltimore looked devastating in its pasting of Pittsburgh, combining a vicious defense with Joe Flacco and a heavy dose of Ray Rice. Tennessee is a mess, quarterbacked by a man who was dumped in favor of Tarvaris Jackson. You do the math.

Cleveland (-2) at Indianapolis: Only one team here has a Peyton playing and it ain't the Colts. That, ladies and gentlemen, is all you need to know. (Although it's worth noting that only one Colt--McCoy--will be playing, and he also isn't on the Colts.)

Jacksonville at NY Jets (-9 1/2): No one wants to see Rex Ryan be stifled more than this Pats' fan, but Luke McCown is not the QB to make it happen.

Seattle at Pittsburgh (-14): Playing a prideful Steelers team that was destroyed on opening day by the arch-rival Ravens is a perfect recipe for the Seahawks to start 0-2.

Arizona at Washington (-3 1/2): Two teams can say they beat teams with 400-yard passers in Week 1: The Cardinals and Patriots. You know where I'm going with this. Does anyone really think Rex Grossman has another 300-yard game in him?

Green Bay (-9 1/2) at Carolina: Cam Newton looked pretty fabulous in his first start, but that was the Cardinals. Playing the Packers at home helps. A little. Very little.

Dallas (-3) at San Francisco: Tony Romo should be thankful for one thing this week--no matter how stupid he plays, he'll still be a whole lot better than Alex Smith.

San Diego at New England (-7): As if there's any doubt where I'll fall on this one. Did you see the Pats' win over Miami last week? With that offense, this could be 2007 all over again.

Houston (-3) at Miami: Chad Henne had the game of his life last week, at home, and still got beat by 14. This is going to be a long season in South Beach.

Cincinnati at Denver (-4): No matter how unproven the Bengals passing game is under Andy Dalton, Kyle Orton will find a way to blow this for the Broncos.

Philadelphia (-2 1/2) at Atlanta: Probably the hardest game to pick this week. Falcons fans will be ready for Vick's return. So will Vick. I expect him to have a big game, but the crowd will make the difference for the Falcons.

MONDAY
St. Louis at NY Giants (-5 1/2): I don't know why, but I really expected the Rams to put up a better fight against the Eagles last week. Then again, I also expected Eli Manning to outplay Rex Grossman. Ultimately, not having Steven Jackson will prove too much to ask of Sam Bradford.