So Where the Hell IS London Anyway?

Before we get to the Week 8's gripping installment of "Meet This Week's Expert," let's review a couple of the NFL's hottest stories:

-Tom Brady, in case you haven't read this 1400 times this week, now has 27 TD passes, and only 2 INTs, elevating his status in New England to just above Ted Williams and a hair below the Pope. Elsewhere, Broncos RB Travis Henry is dogged by reports of his 9 children with 9 different women, dropping him just below Gary Hart on Colorado's list of most-respected figures.

-Just days before the NFL's first-ever regular season game overseas, Dolphins RB Channing Crowder lets it be known that he couldn't even find London on a map. Yep, that's just the way the league's marketing folks drew it up. Step 1: Schedule game in overseas market. Step 2: Watch helplessly as lummox linebacker insults whole city.

On to this week's picks:

NEW ORLEANS (2-4) AT SAN FRANCISCO (2-4)
If you believed the hoopla in Bay Area papers about 49ers QB Alex Smith's return this week, you'd think it was Joe Montana coming back. Alas, it's closer to Joe Mantegna. Good actor, crappy quarterback.

OAKLAND (2-4) AT TENNESSEE (4-2)
Across the Bay, the hoopla centers around the calls for the Raiders to finally usher in the JeMarcus Russell era. Note to Russell: Your best receiver is Ronald Curry. Stay on the bench.

DETROIT (4-2) AT CHICAGO (3-4)
With a win here, the Bears would officially re-enter the NFC playoff picture. Mark the Couch Potato's words: No one is secretly rooting harder for a Lions win then deposed Chicago QB Rex Grossman.

NY GIANTS (5-2) VS MIAMI (0-7) IN LONDON
Wow, will the English get treated to a helluva game here, what with winless Miami missing Ronnie Brown and Zack Thomas. Tea, anyone?

CLEVELAND (3-3) AT ST. LOUIS (0-7)
The Rams have been so bad that they're underdogs at home to the Browns. Oh, the indignity of it all.

PHILADELPHIA (2-4) AT MINNESOTA (2-4)
If rookie sensation Adrian Peterson doesn't get more than 12 carries for the Vikings this week, coach Brad Childress will be longing for the days of the Fred Smoot Sex Boat scandal.

PITTSBURGH (4-2) AT CINCINNATI (2-4)
You can say this for the horribly disappointing Bengals: At least none of their players were arrested last week.

INDIANAPOLIS (6-0) AT CAROLINA (4-2)
Vinny Testaverde, two weeks removed from mowing his lawn, was an aging QB when Peyton Manning started his career.

BUFFALO (2-4) AT NY JETS (1-6)
Only in New York can a QB, Chad Pennington, throw for 300 yards and 3 TDs and still get blamed for his team's whole season. Then again, that was the saddest, most helpless 300 yards and 3 TDs Couch Potato has ever seen.

HOUSTON (3-4) AT SAN DIEGO (3-3)
The Texans have to feel cursed this week: Not only are they catching the Chargers about 3 weeks too late, but they're up against the support of an entire nation that could very well be looking upon the post-fires Chargers as the new post-Katrina Saints. Granted, the victims are whiter and wealthier this time, but hey, a cause is a cause.

JACKSONVILLE (4-2) AT TAMPA BAY (4-3)
This is the Jaguars' QB depth chart this week: Quinn Gray, Todd Bauman. Might as well be Frank the plumber and Joe Bob the mechanic.

WASHINGTON (4-2) AT NEW ENGLAND (7-0)
At last, the Pats go up against a top-flight NFL defense. And yet they're favored by 16 1/2. This is getting ridiculous.

GREEN BAY (5-1) AT DENVER (3-3)
It's been a nice little run here to start the season for Brett Favre, but even he is backed by a renewed defense, age and lack of a running game have to catch up with the gunslinger someday, don't they?