And the Winners and Losers Are...

Couch Potato knows it's so common to use a column to declare mid-season award winners, but no one out there is pickin' winners like these. Call this CP's bent little look at who's made the most powerful statements of the year's first half. Or non-statements. Whatever. We'll just list them in pairs to highlight the contrasts...

Sheepish Domination Award: Tom Brady--In last week's post-game press conference, the Golden Boy let loose with this cutting edge piece of gamesmanship: "None of this matters. All that matters is January." Just once, CP would love to hear Brady say, "The thing about beating the Colts is, you beat 'em once, and an hour later you want to beat 'em again."
Lots of Sound, Little Fury Award: Chad Johnson--All that bravado, with the Hall of Fame jacket and the Dog Pound leap, and all Chad Johnson has to show for it all is 3 measly touchdowns, a neck stinger, and a 2-6 team in disarray? To make matters worse, T.O. not only has regained the respect of the fans, but his videogate TD routine was considered the wittiest end zone celebration of the year. Oh, the indignity, Chad!

Cheaters Do Prosper Award: Bill Belichick--Does the Potato really need to explain this? He thought not.
Old, Irrelevant Whiner Award: Don Shula--Has the annual ritual of the '72 Dolphins cracking open that lame bottle of champagne become this important? Shula may be intensely respected, but his comment that if the Pats go undefeated their season should be marked as an asterisk still comes off as sour grapes.
(Honorable mention) Young, Irrelevent Whistle Blower Award: Eric Mangini--The only thing worse than a cheater is the tattletale who rats on the cheater. And the only thing worse than that is a tattletale whose team is 1-8.

Sending Linebackers to Psychotherapy Award: Adrian Peterson--Peterson is making defenders look dumber than anyone this side of Barry Sanders. Note to Green Bay defensive backs this week: When LaDainian Tomlinson says he's never seen anything like it (about Peterson's 296 yards last week), it's way past time to start worrying.
Sending Linebackers to the Bank Award: Shaun Alexander--Some pretty mediocre run-stuffers have looked pretty darned good stopping the suddenly glacial Alexander this season. Think those clips of NFL no-names wrapping up Alexander 7 yards behind the line of scrimmage might help in negotiating some sizable raises?

Blame Skirter of the Year Award: Donovan McNabb--Listening to him lately brings to mind Karl Marx. I half expect him to say, "It is my teammates, not me, who own the means of production."
Pinch Me In Case I'm Dreaming Award: Derek Anderson--If Marx were alive to watch Anderson's amazing rise from obscurity, he'd suggest taking some of that success and sharing it with the QB masses. Of course, McNabb would have to be last in line.
(Honorable mention) Screw Karl Marx Award: Tony Romo--After signing his big contract extension last week, and with starlets lined up around the block, Romo's message to the famed ideologist would be simple: I'm not sharing with anyone! (And really, who could blame him?)

At Least I'm Not Michael Vick Award: Andy Reid--Amid his nightmarish family crisis, Reid can look in the mirror and say, with supreme confidence, "at least I haven't killed any dogs!"
At Least I'm Not Andy Reid Award: Michael Vick--Amid his reprehensible dog-fighting fiasco, Vick can look in the mirror and say, with supreme confidence, "at least I don't have teenage sons turning my house into a drug-dealing parlor!"

Moving on, last week's winner, Aaron Cole, may not have anything to say about these awards, but after going 12-2 last week, he deserves a listen...so without further adieu, Meet This Week's Expert!

CP: Tell us something about yourself—where do you live? Who are you?
AC: I'm a new import to the US. Born and bred Aussie from Sydney who moved to Boston a year ago. So this is my first full year of the Football season and an easy time to start supporting the PATS! Its a very different game than Aussie Rules (Where, incidently, my team has been at the bottom of the ladder for too many years!).

CP: One of the folks you nipped in the tiebreaker this week was the Couch Potato’s brother, Greg Kontzer. How does it feel to take food from the mouths of the Potato’s family?
AC: I see there are a few Kontzers in the competition. How does it feel to all be beaten by a novice?!? HAH?

CP: If you were a New England Patriot, how would you react to Don Shula saying their season deserves an asterisk?
AC: Being new to the country, my first thought was, "Don who? Sour Grapes." Then I saw an article during the week nominating the current Dolphins for "best impersonation of an NFL Team."

CP: Tell our readers why the Colts would or would not have beaten the Pats had Marvin Harrison played.
AC: It would have been a different game, we'll know the answer in January. Here's a question back at you, would the Pats have been in the Super Bowl last year if Rodney Harrison and Junior Seau had played in the AFC title game? As they say, "If ifs and ans were pots and pans there would be no need for tinkers." Pats won.

CP: How much of a raise would your boss have to offer you to get you to work every Sunday during football season?
AC: Payment would need to be in Cases of Beer. Hmm, not sure how productive I'd be on Sunday, though.

CP: How do you compensate for that empty feeling all of us football fans have on the idle Sunday the week before the Super Bowl?
AC: You'd have to be doing work around the house, seriously, how else are you going to get the entire weekend off to watch the Super Bowl.

CP: Can you share one embarrassing memory from your childhood?
AC: No, it'd also take a case of Sam Adams before I start revealing embarrasing moments.

CP: In the line from Fiddler on the Roof, “all day long I’d biddy biddy bum, if I were a wealthy man!”—what the heck does biddy biddy bum mean?
AC: You got me there, I just looked at the rest of the lyrics. Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum. Sounds like the gibberish that comes from Mangini.

CP: What reading material do you have on your nightstand? And if you don’t read in bed, what reading material do you have in the bathroom? (Because we all know every man reads in there.)
AC: Sports Illustrated. Being bred in the Land Down Under, we're mad sports fans. I can't wait for each new SI edition to arrive in the mail. Hang-on, hasn't the last few editions featured the Celtics, Redsox and Patriots? Its a good time to be living in Boston.

CP: Give us one solid upset pick for the coming week, and why.
AC: Minnesota. C'mon, who can bet against Peterson?

Not the Potato, who had the misfortune of facing Peterson in his fantasy league last week, of all weeks. Oh, the indignity, Chad!