Week 13: Where's the Beef?

Couch Potato really wanted to give you all a glimpse of Jerry Candler, our winner from last week, as CP and Jerry go way back--to the crazy backyard scene at Chris Grakal's folks' house on Sunday afternoons throughout the 1970s and early '80s. It was there that Jerry's son, Darin, was frequently one of the older kids hanging around the pool and punishing us younger kids in touch football, while our parents sat out on the patio hoping we'd just keep entertaining ourselves.

But noooo, Jerry couldn't find time to answer this week's juicy set of questions, and instead, the Potato is left to scramble on Saturday night in search of inspiration. So this week, we'll honor CP Reports of the past by zeroing in on one key thought for each game on this week's Sunday slate, which is shockingly bereft of compelling matchups considering that it's week 13:

SAN DIEGO (7-5) AT TENNESSEE (7-5)
The Chargers managed to dominate the Chiefs last week even with all-world TE Antonio Gates catching just one pass for a one-yard loss. Look for Gates to be a huge factor with the Titan's defense a good bet to keep LaDainian Tomlinson in check.

DALLAS (11-1) AT DETROIT (6-6)
With apologies to Dallas' sterling season and Detroit's struggle to remain alive in the playoff hunt, there is one thing, and one thing only, to watch for here: Will Cowboys' DB Terrence Newman make good on his promise to inflict pain on Lions QB Jon Kitna? That's your drama right there, because there's no way the Lions make a game of this.

MIAMI (0-12) at BUFFALO (6-6)
With further apologies to Buffalo's efforts to mount a late season playoff run, this game would be unwatchable if not for Miami's amazing quest to go winless. All eyes are on the possibility of a week 15 matchup between the 0-14 Dolphins and the 14-0 Patriots.

ST LOUIS (3-9) at CINCINNATI (4-8)
Call this the Disappointment Bowl, as these were two teams with January aspirations when the season opened. There have to be better things to do in Cincinnati on a December Sunday afternoon, don't there?

CAROLINA (5-7) at JACKSONVILLE (8-4)
Since this game offers little intrigue--Jacksonville is pretty much assured of an AFC wildcard birth, while the Vinny Testaverde-led Panthers don't have enough to eek out a spot in the NFC playoffs, CP will offer a little-known piece of Jaguars trivia: No team has played in more 28-25 games since Jacksonville joined the league. The Potato looked it up: In their 13 year history, the Jags have been involved in 7 such games, the latest of which occurred last week against the Colts. The moral? When the Jags play on Monday night, you might want to consider a point total of 53.

TAMPA BAY (8-4) at HOUSTON (5-7)
Ooo, a RB matchup of Earnest Graham vs. Ron Dayne. Doesn't that get your adrenaline pumping?

NY GIANTS (8-4) at PHILADELPHIA (5-7)
Another lost season for the Eagles flames out amid yet another off-season filled with Donovan McNabb questions, while Giants fans brace themselves for the latest episode of "Why the playoffs are no place for Eli Manning." Message from the Potato: wake me when it's over.

OAKLAND (4-8) at GREEN BAY (10-2)
It wouldn't matter if Miss Piggy were Brett Favre's backup instead of Aaron Rodgers--the Raiders still wouldn't have a prayer of winning in Green Bay in December. Funny, but those cheeseheads sure LOOK a lot more hospitable than the freaks in the Black Hole.

MINNESOTA (6-6) at SAN FRANCISCO (3-9)
Couch Potato defies anyone to come up with a scarier 6-6 team in the last decade than the Adrian Peterson-led Vikings. None of the other NFC contenders wants to see Minnesota in the playoffs--you can count on that.

ARIZONA (6-6) at SEATTLE (8-4)
How many chances can the Cardinals get in one season? This team has let one opportunity after another slip through its hands this season--finally coming up with a clutch win against Cleveland last week. Here's a chance for the Cards to get one of their biggest wins ever and move a giant step toward an elusive playoff birth.

PITTSBURGH (9-3) at NEW ENGLAND (12-0)
Finally, a football game appears on the schedule. Naturally, with both teams in control of their divisions, there's one story line that rises above all here: Are the Steelers the team to end the Pats' run at perfection and preserve the '72 Dolphins as the NFL's last unbeaten/untied team? Yeah, right.

DENVER (5-7) at KANSAS CITY (4-8)
Couch Potato remembers attending a Broncos-Chiefs game at Arrowhead back in '85, and swigging from a fifth of Jose Cuervo throughout. We needed it to keep our butts warm on the ice-covered seats. The QBs that day were John Elway and Todd Blackledge. Amazingly, BOTH teams have downgraded at the position since then.

CLEVELAND (7-5) at NY JETS (3-9)
The Browns are closing in on their first playoff birth since the team was reformed in Cleveland, but they may be catching the Jets at the wrong time--New York is coming off a trouncing of the Dolphins after upsetting the Steelers two weeks ago. Ah, what is CP saying? The Jets still stink.

INDIANAPOLIS (10-2) at BALTIMORE (4-8)
Anyone else wondering what excuses the Ravens will come with after another loss to an elite team? Or whether the officials will keep a closer eye on their flags when Bart Scott's around?

NEW ORLEANS (5-7) at ATLANTA (3-9)
Bet THIS matchup looked a little more enticing before Michael Vick started strangling dogs and the Saints decided to underachieve on an epic level. Can someone explain why the whole flexible scheduling thing isn't coming into play here? Wouldn't Steelers-Pats, Chargers-Titans or Cards-Seahawks have made more sense?

Now where is that remote?