Freezing: Good or Bad? Don't Ask the Black Hole

You have to love Raiders fans. One week, they're flooding Bay Area talk radio shows with whining about Mike Shanahan's kicker-freezing timeout that led to a crushing loss to the Broncos, and the next week they're praising Lane Kiffin for doing the same to steal a win from Cleveland. I hear the Bush Administration is looking for people with that kind of personal accountability.

Let's take a moment to quickly review a newsy week around the NFL:

-News: Rex Grossman out, Brian Griese in as Chicago's starting QB. Reaction: Ooo, now the Bears can turn the ball over on downs instead of coughing it up via turnover.

-News: Michael Vick tests positive for marijuana. Reaction: Forget the dog-killing thing, NOW it's time to string him up!

-News: Deuce McAllister out for year with torn ACL. Reaction: Reggie Bush, meet some NFL linebackers. Linebackers, try to be gentle--he is the chosen one, after all.

-News: After loss to Packers, San Diego's superstar RB LaDainian Tomlinson declares "I'm lost." Reaction: Maybe firing Marty Schottenheimer wasn't such a good idea?

-News: Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter "guarantees" a win over the Raiders this week. Reaction: Joey, when you're on a bad team, and you're playing a bad team, nobody cares.

On to this week's slate of games, which figure to separate the contenders from the future therapy patients:

OAKLAND (1-2) AT MIAMI (0-3)
Miami is tied for 29th in the league in rushing defense, but their pass defense ranks 7th. This plays right into the Raiders hands because no one in Oakland can throw the ball, and even if they could, they have no one to throw it to. Good thing they have Lamont Jordan. Of course, they also have Al Davis, who looks more and more like he's been taking over-sized doses of progesterone.

CHICAGO (1-2) AT DETROIT (2-1)
Rex Grossman took his demotion like a man last week, falling to the ground and flailing his arms and legs until Lovie Smith sent him to the principal's office. Not surprisingly, during his tantrum, Grossman fumbled twice and threw an interception.

ST. LOUIS (0-3) AT DALLAS (3-0)
Last week, your beloved Couch Potato declared Minnesota and its stout run defense a "sure thing" over Kansas City and its one dimensional Larry Johnson offense. One week (and one Chiefs victory) later, the Couch Potato is once again establishing himself as a glutton for punishment by declaring a Cowboys win over the suddenly sad-sack Rams this week's "sure thing."

HOUSTON (2-1) AT ATLANTA (0-3)
So, the Falcons now have Byron Leftwich on the roster. I don't care if they signed Byron Shelley, when your top two offensive weapons are a tight end and a running back in his mid-30s, your post-Michael Vick life looks mighty bleak indeed.

NY JETS (1-2) AT BUFFALO (0-3)
Buffalo will be led this week by backup QB Trent Edwards (Stanford) and rookie RB Marshawn Lynch (Cal). They may not win a football game with that tandem, but the Couch Potato bets they could put together a mean 2-minute pitch for seed funding.

GREEN BAY (3-0) AT MINNESOTA (1-2)
The Vikings couldn't keep Damon Huard from beating them last week, so what on earth are they going to do to stop a rejuvenated Brett Favre? If they still had Fred Smoot, they could have had him wheel in the prostitute-filled Love Boat as a distraction--alas, they'll have to rely on their marginal secondary. I'd prefer the Love Boat.

BALTIMORE (2-1) AT CLEVELAND (1-2)
Jamal Lewis has been talking a big game this week, pointing out that he played with many of the Ravens and thus knows their tendencies--and their weaknesses. What he's forgetting to factor in, is that when he practiced against them for all those years, he was doing it behind Baltimore's O-line, not the sad sack bunch he has in Cleveland. Note to Lewis: the Ravens are NOT the Bengals.

SEATTLE (2-1) AT SAN FRANCISCO (2-1)
The 49ers seem to have done the unlikely in adapting to life with QB Alex Smith--they've learned how to win with only 117 passing yards. And as you know, the Couch Potato doggedly holds onto the belief that the Seahawks are on their annual march toward a 9-7 season.

TAMPA BAY (2-1) AT CAROLINA (2-1)
The records make it look like these teams may be on the verge of finding their former inner selves, but let's be clear about something: 2 of their combined 4 wins have come against the reeling Rams squad. If it ever made sense to pick a tie, this would be the game to do it. Couch Potato doesn't have that kind of courage.

DENVER (2-1) AT INDIANAPOLIS (3-0)
No matter how good Denver has seemed in past years, they've had their heads handed to them by the Colts seemingly every time they've played. This Denver team just does not look very good (last-second wins against the Bills and Raiders), so this one has blowout written all over it.

KANSAS CITY (1-2) AT SAN DIEGO (1-2)
If you'd told the Couch Potato that these two teams would have the same record after 3 weeks, he'd have told you to get back to your crack pipe. And yet, here they stand. Not for long, though--if the Chargers have even a shred of mental toughness, they should rack up at least a 21 point win here. So naturally, they'll probably eke it out on a late game scamper by LT.

PITTSBURGH (3-0) AT ARIZONA (1-2)
Cardinals Coach Ken Wisenhut is getting ready for his former team by deciding to platoon youngster Matt Leinart, who will start and try to build some offensive momentum, and the aging Kurt Warner, who will take over in 2-minute hurry-up situations. There's a great Viagra joke there somewhere if anyone wants to take a crack at it.

PHILADELPHIA (1-2) AT NY GIANTS (1-2)
In his past 4 games against the Giants, Eagles QB Donovan McNabb has nine TD passes, zero interceptions, and three 300-yard games. And those games were played when the Giants were only in mid-level disarray. Couch Potato has taken the time to explain the importance of such "trends" before--ignore him at your own risk.

MONDAY NIGHT: NEW ENGLAND (3-0) AT CINCINNATI (1-2)
Naturally, Couch Potato is a bit biased here. Videogate or no videogate, the Pats are looking downright scary. But they have yet to come up against a passing game anywhere near the level of what the Bengals will throw at them. Then again, the Bengals gave up 51 points to Cleveland, for criminy's sake, so a word to the wise: Take the over. (Predicted score: Pats 41, Bengals 27)