Going Where No Couch Potato Has Gone Before

Couch Potato knows that when someone emerges from the field to correctly predict 13 of 14 games, taking the pot without so much as a Monday Night wimper from anyone, there's something to be learned. Hell, if you're willing to read CP's ramblings in the hope for some shred of insight, why not go straight to a more au courant source?

So, without further delay, the Couch Potato Report brings you a new recurring feature (meaning CP can use it, or not use it, whenever he damn well pleases!), Meet This Week's Expert. So, ladies, and gentleman, behold Robert Michelson (all questions and responses exchanged via email)...

CP: What's the secret to your success? Well, this week's anyway.
RM: Due to a busy schedule, I had my assistant e-mail my choices on Friday. I just went down the list and spent very little time agonizing over what I thought would be the close games. It took less than a minute.

CP: What do you predict your record will be this week?
RM: 10 wins, 3 losses

CP: What's your favorite team?
RM: The Jints. I'm from NYC.

CP: What do you like to eat for lunch?
RM: Tuna sandwich on wheat bread, no mayo, at the San Benito House in Half Moon Bay. I live in HMB. A half sandwich will suffice as they're quite large.

CP: How did you feel when Mike Ditka had William "The Regrigerator" Perry run the ball in from the 1 instead of Walter Payton in the third quarter of the Super Bowl XX blowout over the Patriots?
RM: That's a loaded question. The Bears used him in short yardage situations. It was a smart way to take advantage of his size and mobility. (EDITOR'S NOTE: AS A PATS FAN, CP IS EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTED IN THIS ANSWER!)

CP: What's your favorite football movie?
RM: I'm not a movie buff, I go to rock concerts, so I'll go with Friday Night Lights.

CP: Johnny Unitas or Joe Montana?
RM: Johnny U. I'm old enough to remember the Baltimore Colts with Lenny Moore and Johnny Sample. They also had a great defense.

CP: Halle Berry or Scarlett Johansson?
RM: Halle Berry.

CP: Batman or Superman?
RM: Batman.

CP: Can you give us a sleeper upset for the coming week?
RM: I like the Jets to rebound this week and beat the Eagles. I'm not sure it's an upset but this one could go either way.

Okay, folks, enough from Robert. Just remember, if he wins again, CP will be compelled to do a follow-up interview. So let's see a new voice rise from the pack! (Like CP's, perhaps?)

On to this week's slate of games...


ST. LOUIS (0-5) AT BALTIMORE (3-2)
How Baltimore managed to get the 49ers, Rams and Bills in consecutive weeks is a mystery (although the Rams are, admittedly, a pretty huge disappointment). The only team missing from the Ravens' schedule is Appalachian State. (Or Stanford?)

MINNESOTA (1-3) AT CHICAGO (2-3)
So far this season, the Vikings have proven they can do one--and only one--thing very well, and that's stop the run. Given that Bears QB Brian Griese has 4 picks and has been sacked 8 times in two starts since replacing Rex Grossman, expect this one to be a low-scoring affair. That is, unless Griese falters, and Lovie Smith caves under the constant sound of Rex repeating, "Please, Coach, can I get back in? Huh? Can I?" In which case, expect an even LOWER scoring affair.

MIAMI (0-5) AT CLEVELAND (2-3)
The fact that Miami has managed to go 0-5 despite a superhuman effort from Ronnie Brown speaks to just how putrid the Dolphins are. (Where was he when the Fish actually had a chance at the playoffs in recent seasons!?) Now, to make matters worse, concussed QB Trent Green has been replaced by someone named Cleo Lemon. God help Dolphins fans everywhere.

WASHINTON (3-1) AT GREEN BAY (4-1)
The way the Redskins are playing defense, Brett Favre better hope the Packers pitiful running game picks up this week, lest Washington's front 7 gets repeated pressure on the old man. Otherwise, Favre better have completed his medicare registration.

HOUSTON (3-2) AT JACKSONVILLE (3-1)
Coming off a career game in which he kicked 5 FGs, including 3 over 50 yards, Kris Brown has let it be known that if the Texans get inside the 33 yard line, he will refuse to attempt any kicks. "Kicking 'em less than 50 is simply beneath me," Brown was overheard saying.

CINCINNATI (1-3) AT KANSAS CITY (2-3)
This matchup couldn't come at a better time for Larry Johnson, who has a confounding 275 yards this season on just 3.3 yards a carry. Conversely, Couch Potato's 8th grade English teacher could run through the Bengals' D.

PHILADELPHIA (1-3) AT NY JETS (1-4)
In the past two games, Donovan McNabb has had a 300-yard, 4-TD half en route to a huge day against Detroit, followed by barely breaking 100 yards while being sacked 12 times in a drubbing at the hands of the NY Giants. Donovan, there is pychoactive medication available that might help.

TENNESSEE (3-1) AT TAMPA BAY (3-2)
Vince Young is due for a breakout game; the Titans are 13-1 against the NFC South and have won 5 straight road games; and Tampa Bay is without Carnell Williams or Michael Pittman, leaving Jeff Garcia to carry the team. These are what we in the column-writing business call "key indicators." Ignore them at your own peril.

CAROLINA (3-2) AT ARIZONA (3-2)
I'd say it'll be weird seeing David Carr going against Kurt Warner, but I realize it's weird seeing David Carr play QB anywhere. All over the mid-Atlantic region, Panthers fans are hoping Carr's back injury worsens so they can watch Vinny Testaverde gum the defense to death.

NEW ENGLAND (5-0) AT DALLAS (5-0)
You have to love TO's approach with the media this week, leaving a note for reporters that he's reserving comment on the anticipated matchup between "the original 81 and the other 81" until after the game. Then again, calling Randy Moss "the other 81" may not prove to be the most effective strategy.

OAKLAND (2-2) AT SAN DIEGO (2-3)
One impressive win by the Chargers was all it took to quiet the calls for Marty Schottenheimer among the Chargers' faithful. But if the Bolts fall this week at home to the Raiders, San Diego fans intend to get really cruel and start chanting for Ryan Leaf.

NEW ORLEANS (0-4) AT SEATTLE (3-2)
This is the beautfy of being a Saints fan: After a magical year in 2006, falling back into the NFL basement is no big deal when you know Bourbon Street is nearby. It's nothing a drunken stuper can't alleviate.

NY GIANTS (3-2) AT ATLANTA (1-4)
Michael Strahan, sensing that the Giants have been without any turmoil for nearly 20 minutes, has released his tell-all book, "Inside the Helmet: Life as a Sunday Afternoon Warrior." Word is that it doesn't rip into anyone enough to cause problems, but the Giants have a way of taking everything personally. And then losing 4 straight games.