It's the Football Nazi: No More Picks For You!

Given that this week's column is being written late on Saturday night, Couch Potato will dispense with the usual frivolity and will jump straight into the burning question that's dominating the pool airwaves. No, not how your beloved CP could possibly go 6-8 last week. We're talking of those of you who are no doubt wondering why someone would offer up his picks publicly each week, thus giving you, his opponents, a strategic advantage.

Well, Couch Potato's brother talked some sense into him, and effective immediately, this column will no longer offer picks of next's week's games. If you're going to beat the Couch Potato, you're going to have to beat him fair and square.

Besides, Couch Potato hasn't won a danged thing in this pool for like 3 years, so drastic steps were called for!

MIAMI AT HOUSTON
That air you hear is coming from the tires of the Texans' over-crowded bandwagon. Would someone please get out and refill those puppies so we can get back on our way? (Paging Matt Schaub, Andre Davis and Mario Williams!)

JACKSONVILLE AT KANSAS CITY
Larry Johnson is putting up jack squat, and JaMarcus Russell has just started learning the feel of an NFL clipboard, yet the Chiefs and Raiders are tied with the Broncos for first place in the AFC West. In an unrelated developoment, it turns out the tooth fairy really does exist.

CLEVELAND AT NEW ENGLAND
We've all heard the disgusting, heart-warming stories about athletes achieving redemption on the field for life's mistakes off of it. But forgive the Couch Potato if he isn't feeling all warm and fuzzy about the squishy Randy-Moss-finds-happiness-at-last story permeating coverage of the Patriots. So long as he catches a lot of touchdowns, Couch Potato doesn't care if Randy Moss is happy--gotta admit, though, he and Brady sure make a right purty couple.

CAROLINA AT NEW ORLEANS
Sensing a potential opportunity to make up for his bungling of the post-Katrina response, President Bush has key FEMA officials ready and waiting to declare Drew Brees (terrible), Deuce McAllister (hurt) and the New Orleans Saints (0-3) a national disaster.

NY JETS AT NY GIANTS
Every time I look at this matchup, I think of that commercial where the hot babe in the Giants shirt is standing at her front door, welcoming her Giants-paraphernalia-clad friends, who apparently are arriving to watch the game. Then a Jets fan walks in, and hostility suddenly fills the air. If only either of these teams played with such passion.

SEATTLE AT PITTSBURGH
Having beaten San Francisco and lost to Arizona, the Steelers continue to play a big role in the NFC West race. Now, a week after getting pushed around by the Cardinals, Ben Roethlisberger & Co. hope to do their part to push the Seahawks closer to their inevitable 9-7 season.

ARIZONA AT ST. LOUIS
A year ago, the Couch Potato trashed the Cardinals for being late in figuring out that Kurt Warner's career is over. Now, here he is, platooning, and playing much more effectively than crybaby movie-star-wannabe Matt Leinart. This is what is known in the column-writing business as an "oopsie." Meanwhile, this season's first Potato foray into fantasy was built around Marc Bulger and Torry Holt, so you can pretty much guess how that's going.

ATLANTA AT TENNESSEE
The Michael Vick legacy lives on. The Falcons win a game they shouldn't against the Texans, and all anyone is talking about is Vick agreeing to become a spokesman for PETA. Yeah, now THERE'S a match made in heaven. That's like putting Bill Belichick in charge of an ethics committee.

DETROIT AT WASHINGTON
Lions WR Roy Williams, under fire for revealing he's a cheapskate who doesn't believe in tipping, has promised to start leaving gratuities for waiters. That should prove to be lucrative for the Redskins' defensive backs, who figure to be serving up lots of delicious space to Williams.

TAMPA BAY AT INDIANAPOLIS
Indianapolis has to be the quietest 4-0 team in recent history, and given what he's been living through the past couple of years, Colts' Coach Tony Dungy must be thankful for that respite. Well, that and the play of Dallas Clark, who has four TD catches to Marvin Harrison's one.

SAN DIEGO AT DENVER
If the Chargers lose this one, Couch Potato thinks it's possible that LT may just cry at the postgame podium. Don't worry, LaDainian--every fantasy player who drafted first is already crying for you. Well, maybe AT you.

BALTIMORE AT SAN FRANCISCO
Knowing what a smart QB Trent Dilfer is, Couch Potato so wants him to pull a Longest Yard, and just drop back and launch a bullet into Ray Lewis' groin. At the least, it would improve the 49ers' chances. At best, it could provide a moment of joy for legions of Cleveland Browns fans. (For those who've forgotten, the Ravens exist because longtime Browns owner Art Modell skipped town with the team and moved to Baltimore. Today's Browns are a different franchise--same bad luck, different people.)

GREEN BAY AT CHICAGO
Couch Potato could swear he saw Rex Grossman on the sideline last week pumping his fist in celebration each time a Brian Griese pass was intercepted. (That would be three fistpumps for those of you keeping score at home.) Wait until he finds out the team is trying to coax Jim McMahon out of retirment.

DALLAS AT BUFFALO
How on Earth is it possible we've heard this little from T.O. this season? He's not the runaway star of his team (That role now belongs to Tony Romo, while T.O. plays second fiddle along with Marion Barber and Jason Witten), Randy Moss and Chad Johnson are the receivers of the moment, and his buddy Donovan McNabb has been all over the sports page. Something tells Couch Potato a T.O. outburst (for good or for bad) is imminent. And wouldn't a Monday night game in a hostile stadium against an inferior opponent be the perfect setting?