Better late and abbreviated than never--or not

Loyal readers, this week’s CPR is very late and somewhat abbreviated because Couch Potato spent much of this week suffering through an attack of gout (very painful—I don’t suggest you try it). On to this week’s schedule:

Tennessee (3-1) at Pittsburgh (2-2)
If you had told Couch Potato that the Titans would be 3-1 with Chris Johnson rushing for fewer than 50 yards per game, he’d have said, “yeah, and I suppose the Steelers are gonna lose a defensive struggle to the Texans, too.” That both things have happened is surely the latest sign that the universe is imploding.

Seattle (1-3) at NY Giants (3-1)
Eli Manning is the third-rated passer in the NFL. Who’d have guessed? Amazing that a guy can fly under the radar playing in New York with the name Manning.

Cincinnati (2-2) at Jacksonville (1-3)
This has absolutely nothing to do with this game, but isn’t it weird to just have Carson Palmer sitting out the season? Meanwhile, in Jacksonville, the Jags continue to use Maurice Jones-Drew so much less than they should with rookie QB Blaine Gabbert behind center.

New Orleans (3-1) at Carolina (1-3)
Three weeks ago, rookie Panthers QB Cam Newton faced Aaron Rodgers (and played gamely, throwing for 432 yards in a loss). Now he gets Drew Brees. It's these matchups with marquee QBs that will tell us the most about this young phenom.

Oakland (2-2) at Houston (3-1)
Listen, all you whiny Raiders fans: Yes, we all know you were on the short end of all the calls in last week’s loss to the Patriots. But as long as Jason Campbell continues to sprinkle in the occasional boneheaded play—and not even look upset by it—there’s a serious ceiling on the Silver & Black’s potential.

Philadelphia (1-3) at Buffalo (3-1)
Uhhh…which team is the “dream team” here? Most people would have predicted these teams to have each others’ records. Instead, the Bills are riding high—even after suffering their first loss—and the Eagles are already playing for their season.

Kansas City (1-3) at Indianapolis (0-4)
Somewhere, Peyton Manning is smiling at the impact his absence is having. No NFL team has ever had a less worrisome 0-4 start. With Manning, the Colts would be 3-1, at least. Without him? They might just end up with Andrew Luck. Even Manning’s timing on his injuries is Hall of Fame-worthy.

Arizona (1-3) at Minnesota (0-4)
The Cardinals typically don’t travel well, and the Vikings just plain stink. If this were the only game on TV, Couch Potato would be out mowing the lawn instead.

Tampa Bay (3-1) at San Francisco (3-1)
Last week’s win over the Eagles was clearly the signature victory of the post-Steve Mariucci/Jeff Garcia 49ers. A win over the Bucs, and QB Alex Smith will start to shed the “bust” title that’s dogged him for 6 years.

NY Jets (2-2) at New England (3-1)
Lots of yards will be piled up, and red zone action will be furious. Bill Belichick’s hoodie will have extra starch in it, and spittle will fire from Rex Ryan’s mouth. Former Jets will provide the Patriots with key intelligence, spurring a new round of cheating accusations. Just another day at the office for the NFL’s most drama-filled rivalry.

San Diego (3-1) at Denver (1-3)
The Chargers, completely unaccustomed to being 3-1, mistakenly believed it was December and had snow brought in to their practices to try to duplicate conditions in Denver.

Green Bay (4-0) at Atlanta (2-2)
The way Aaron Rodgers is playing, the Roman Empire at its peak wouldn’t stand a chance against the Packers.

MONDAY
Chicago (2-2) at Detroit (4-0)
First the Lions start 4-0, and then the Tigers win a first-round playoff series on the Yankees’ home field? What’s next, jobs start returning to the Motor City? Matthew Stafford has Lions titillated that they just might not have to talk about Bobby Layne anymore.