Niners-Lions Highlights a Gout-Free Lineup

Couch Potato scoured the injury reports this week, and this much is confirmed: No players are expected to miss games this week due to gout. Alas, CP hasn’t been so lucky—he suffered through a terrible attack of gout last week, causing him to post an abbreviated column very late Saturday night, meaning it’s possible that nary a human being has read it. In other words, it was pretty much like all of his earlier columns.

This was very sad, given that the Potato was looking forward to doing a little gloating after a dominant 15-1 week in which he captured his first outright weekly title in what seems like forever, just two weeks after sharing the pot. That’s right, folks—it’s Green Bay, Detroit and Couch Potato, all at the top of their games.

On the football field, a wholly unpredictable season continued to deliver surprising results, and after 5 weeks, we have two divisions—the NFC West and AFC South—that look completely upside-down. Two consensus picks for division championships—Indianapolis and St. Louis—have yet to win a game between them (although Indy obviously has one of the all-time great explanations for its futility, having gone from Peyton Manning to Kerry Collins to Curtis Painter, which is like going from a Mercedes to a Buick Skylark to a rusty bicycle). Meanwhile, two perennial doormats—Houston and the 49ers—find themselves at the top of their divisions.

Throw in the Buffalo Bills’ fast start, the Philadelphia Eagles’ total implosion, and the NY Jets’ 3-game losing streak, and insanity reigns over much of the league. That’s not to say there aren’t some things playing to form—the Packers’ and Patriots’ strong play and the Cowboys’ strange brand of melodrama are all things we can set our watches by at this point. But if there’s anything we should all have learned by now, it’s that there’s no rhyme or reason from one week of the NFL schedule to the next.
That said, Couch Potato will at least take a crack at shedding light on this week’s slate of games:

San Francisco (4-1) at Detroit (5-0)
What once appeared to be a dog of a game now has the look of a marquee match-up. On one side we’ve got emerging sensation Matthew Stafford throwing to a ridiculous assortment of weapons including Calvin Johnson, Brandon Pettigrew and Javhid Best. On the other side awaits Patrick Willis and the 49ers’ tenacious D (with apologies to Jack Black). Something’s gotta give.

Cleveland (2-2) at Oakland (3-2)
The ghost of Al Davis will try to help the Raiders go to 4-2 as the Silver & Black play their first home game without Davis in his box since the Norman Conquest. Coming into a haunted Black Hole with an unsatisfied Peyton Hillis (who now says he doesn’t expect to be back in Cleveland next year) is not what the Browns had in mind.

St. Louis (0-4) at Green Bay (5-0)
Does Couch Potato really have to break this game down? Isn’t it abundantly apparent what’s going to happen? Go ahead, pick the Rams—the Potato dares you!

Jacksonville (1-4) at Pittsburgh (3-2)
Couch Potato doesn’t know what was a bigger surprise: That Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger threw 5 TD passes last week on a bum ankle, or that Roethlisberger didn’t celebrate by groping a woman. Mizzou alum and starting Jags’ QB Blaine Gabbert gets Troy Polamalu & Co. this week, followed by Ray Lewis and the Ravens next week. Talk about throwing him to the wolves.

Philadelphia (1-4) at Washington (3-1)
Having already dug themselves an almost insurmountable hole, the Eagles are essentially playing for their playoff lives now. Lose this one, and the season’s a wash—while the Redskins would join Detroit and Buffalo as one of the league’s big surprises.

Carolina (1-4) at Atlanta (2-3)
The Falcons owe a big thank you to Philadelphia, without whom they would probably be the league’s biggest disappointment. A fashionable pre-season Super Bowl pick, Atlanta will have to make a run just to squeeze into the playoffs. A loss is likely to leave them a whopping 4 games back in the division.
So much for this being Matt Ryan’s big breakout season.

Indianapolis (0-5) at Cincinnati (3-2)
The latest stop on the Colts’ express train to Andrew Luck Station; the Bengals, riding back-to-back wins behind rookie QB Andy Dalton, will be only too happy to accept Indy’s generosity.

Buffalo (4-1) at NY Giants (3-2)
What might have looked like a dangerous game for the Bills took on a different tenor after the Giants were lit up at home by Seattle—and the great Charlie Whiteside—last week. Reports are that several new veins appeared on Tom Coughlin forehead in the aftermath of that inexcusable loss.

Houston (3-2) at Baltimore (3-1)
The Texan’s potent offense has been held in check the past two weeks at home, and now it goes on the road to face the most ferocious, ball-hawking unit in the league. This game will tell us a lot about how much of a contender Matt Schaub et al really are.

Dallas (2-2) at New England (4-1)
Let’s see—on one side you have a soap opera starring a QB who seems to suffer some kind of brain lock late in close games. On the other, you have the league’s most ruthlessly efficient—and largely drama-free—winning machine. You do the math.

New Orleans (4-1) at Tampa Bay (3-2)
Still stinging from their pasting by the 49ers last week, the Bucs canceled all their practices this week and instead provided players with counseling for post-traumatic stress disorder. With the Saints coming into town, they might want to keep those counselors handy.

Minnesota (1-4) at Chicago (2-3)
Donovan McNabb vs. Jay Cutler. If that doesn’t sum up this game, then Couch Potato doesn’t know what would.

MONDAY
Miami (0-4) at NY Jets (2-3)
New York is a heavy favorite, but with the Jets in a swoon and the Dolphins happy to be away from their house of horrors in Miami, this is one of those crazy AFC East games that’s likely to deliver a classic finish. And lest you forget, the Fish are 3-0 on the road against the Jets under current head coach Tony Sparano. Then again, Matt Moore is starting at QB for Miami, so all bets are off.