Can Any Of These Teams Beat The Pats?

As certain as the bulk of the Western World is that the Patriots are marching toward their 4th Super Bowl victory of the Brady-Belichick era, there are a bevy of other teams that have high aspirations for January. This week, before we meet last week's winner, Greg Kontzer, the Couch Potato handicaps contenders and pretenders as they head for the finish line.

INDIANAPOLIS
No Marvin Harrison? No problem. No Dwight Freeney? No problem. The fact that this team has only 2 losses given the absence of two such crucial players is miraculous. Maybe nice guy Tony Dungy can get the Colts to play Dudley Do-Right to the Patriots' Snidley Whiplash.

DALLAS
After tonight's game, T.O. is now out for a couple of weeks with a high ankle sprain that figures to still bother him when he gets back. Tony Romo all of a sudden is looking Jessica Simpson-ized, which doesn't seem to be a good thing. I smell disappointment coming.

GREEN BAY
If the Packers can somehow sneak past the Cowboys (and with games at Chicago and home against Detroit while the Cowboys finish at Washington with the Redskins possibly playing for a playoff berth, that looks very possible), Pencil Brett Favre & Co. in for Feb. 3 in Tempe, Ariz.

SAN DIEGO
The Chargers have recovered their swagger to become one of the teams no one wants to play in the playoffs. Of course, every contending team in the AFC is a team no one wants to play. How it took Norv Turner so long to realize that his best strategy was to--suprise!--give L.T. the ball more is a mystery for the ages.

JACKSONVILLE
Talk about your teams no one wants to play. The Jaguars are running over people, manhandling the line of scrimmage, and getting smart, turnover-free QB'ing from David Garrard. That, my friends, is a recipe for playoff success. Look for the Jags to make some noise come January.

SEATTLE
No matter how many years this team dominates the NFC West, it will always appear to be hopelessly soft to the Potato. The total lack of commitment to a running game (with Matt Hasselbeck throwing 40 times a game thanks to an apparently over-the-hill Shaun Alexander), spells doom--after all, Hasselbeck is NOT Tom Brady.

TAMPA BAY
The Bucs are becoming a fashionable pick to make it a round or two into the NFC playoffs, what with a stingy, physical defense, a punishing running back (Earnest Graham), a smart, playoff-savvy QB (Jeff Garcia), and a cagey veteran receiver (Joey Galloway). Plus, Jon Gruden once again looks like his head could explode at any moment.

PITTSBURGH
The loss of RB Willie Parker, the NFL's leading rusher, to a broken leg this week is devastating. Najeh Davenport filled in nicely against the Rams, but without Parker, the Steelers' playoff hopes are dead.

CLEVELAND
Who isn't rooting for the Browns to go far? They're a fast-paced, gun-slinging team that was expected to go nowhere, QB'd by a sixth-round draft pick, and with reclamation project Jamal Lewis at RB. Besides, Phil Dawson hitting that center support bar on not one, but two field goals, gives them a bit of a feel of a team of destiny. Well, until they go to Foxboro and Belichick stomps all over that destiny.

NY GIANTS, MINNESOTA, NEW ORLEANS & WASHINGTON (all vying for the two NFC wildcard spots)
Two words that pretty much cement the Giants' fate: Eli Manning. Likewise, two words that make the Vikings formidable down the stretch: Adrian Peterson. Two words that provide the Redskins with a motivational edge: Sean Taylor. And finally, two words that will reinvigorate the Saints: Reggie Bush. CP foresees the Redskins beating Minnesota this week, and the Saints winning out (at Chicago and home against Philly), while the Giants lose at Buffalo and at home to the Pats, leaving the Skins and G-men on the sidelines.

TENNESSEE
The Titans may not be ready to win yet, what with Vince Young taking his licks this year. But watch out for this team in a couple of years--Young and LenDale White will eventually be a formidable combination, and the defense plays smashmouth football.

Now, on to the moment you've all been waiting for, as the Potato unearths the secret life of his brother and Week 15 winner, Greg:

CP: Bro', you realize, of course, that if everyone in this pool knew how much you've won this year in our weekly poker games, they'd groan in disappointment that you were taking their money. Would you like to give it back?
GK: No, I like to keep all my winnings, thank you very much...and unlike Tony, who never wins, I only win my fair share.

CP: What was worse--watching your Cowboys go up in flames last week amid all of Tony Romo's wounded ducks, or getting spanked by me in tackle Nerf basketball when we were kids?
GK: I will always pick my Boyz being beaten like red-headed step children, by the Eagles of all teams...especially considering the fact that I was half your size back then, ya big bully.

CP: Of all the TV lines you could commandeer and make your own, why on earth did you have to choose Flo telling Mell to "Kiss mah grits!" on Alice ? (Which, my loyal readers, he turned into "Lick mah butt!")
GK: I have no idea, other than the fact that it drove you insane. (Note from CP: That's alright, Bro'--I'm getting my revenge by posting the photo at left.)

CP: Describe for us a typical day in the life of Greg Kontzer, elementary school teacher. You can leave out the personal hygiene, though-please.
GK: Wake up at 5:45 am, drive to school, spend an hour preparing my class for the day and another hour avoiding crazy teachers, moving the kids from their seats to the rug every 10 minutes to keep their video-game-crazed-no attention span-minds focused on something, cleaning up the mess, and heading home.

CP: Could you please explain for everyone why in the hell you won't chew gum?
GK: BORING.....I mean the chewing part. The question was sub-par as well.

CP: If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? Ah, screw that-if you could change anything about your WIFE, what would it be? (Greg got married to my spunky sis-in-law, Jenny, 15 months ago.)
GK: It's only been 15 months...so I shouldn't be looking for anything to change yet...right. But if I could change anything it would be her chainsaw-like snoring....oh, yeah, that would be me. Then I guess she's perfect...hehehe.

CP: What's your favorite line from The Big Lebowski?
GK: Obviously you're not much of a golfer. (Said in response to a character who asks The Dude what a bowling ball is.)

CP: What could possibly make you believe that the Cowboys would have a chance if they got to the Super Bowl and had to play New England?
GK: Probably has something to do with all the acid I did in High School.

CP: What's the dumbest thing you've ever done?
GK: Last year, when I ran into my friends house from the backyard at full speed and ran right through his screen door (which apparently was some kinda special screen door as it cost me $300 to replace it...so that's where all the gambling money goes).

CP: When I'd pin you down on the ground as kids and dangle a big ol' loogie over your face, did you really think I'd ever let it drop on you? (Well, intentionally, anyway?)
GK: You really can't let this bully thing go, can you?

Week 13: Where's the Beef?

Couch Potato really wanted to give you all a glimpse of Jerry Candler, our winner from last week, as CP and Jerry go way back--to the crazy backyard scene at Chris Grakal's folks' house on Sunday afternoons throughout the 1970s and early '80s. It was there that Jerry's son, Darin, was frequently one of the older kids hanging around the pool and punishing us younger kids in touch football, while our parents sat out on the patio hoping we'd just keep entertaining ourselves.

But noooo, Jerry couldn't find time to answer this week's juicy set of questions, and instead, the Potato is left to scramble on Saturday night in search of inspiration. So this week, we'll honor CP Reports of the past by zeroing in on one key thought for each game on this week's Sunday slate, which is shockingly bereft of compelling matchups considering that it's week 13:

SAN DIEGO (7-5) AT TENNESSEE (7-5)
The Chargers managed to dominate the Chiefs last week even with all-world TE Antonio Gates catching just one pass for a one-yard loss. Look for Gates to be a huge factor with the Titan's defense a good bet to keep LaDainian Tomlinson in check.

DALLAS (11-1) AT DETROIT (6-6)
With apologies to Dallas' sterling season and Detroit's struggle to remain alive in the playoff hunt, there is one thing, and one thing only, to watch for here: Will Cowboys' DB Terrence Newman make good on his promise to inflict pain on Lions QB Jon Kitna? That's your drama right there, because there's no way the Lions make a game of this.

MIAMI (0-12) at BUFFALO (6-6)
With further apologies to Buffalo's efforts to mount a late season playoff run, this game would be unwatchable if not for Miami's amazing quest to go winless. All eyes are on the possibility of a week 15 matchup between the 0-14 Dolphins and the 14-0 Patriots.

ST LOUIS (3-9) at CINCINNATI (4-8)
Call this the Disappointment Bowl, as these were two teams with January aspirations when the season opened. There have to be better things to do in Cincinnati on a December Sunday afternoon, don't there?

CAROLINA (5-7) at JACKSONVILLE (8-4)
Since this game offers little intrigue--Jacksonville is pretty much assured of an AFC wildcard birth, while the Vinny Testaverde-led Panthers don't have enough to eek out a spot in the NFC playoffs, CP will offer a little-known piece of Jaguars trivia: No team has played in more 28-25 games since Jacksonville joined the league. The Potato looked it up: In their 13 year history, the Jags have been involved in 7 such games, the latest of which occurred last week against the Colts. The moral? When the Jags play on Monday night, you might want to consider a point total of 53.

TAMPA BAY (8-4) at HOUSTON (5-7)
Ooo, a RB matchup of Earnest Graham vs. Ron Dayne. Doesn't that get your adrenaline pumping?

NY GIANTS (8-4) at PHILADELPHIA (5-7)
Another lost season for the Eagles flames out amid yet another off-season filled with Donovan McNabb questions, while Giants fans brace themselves for the latest episode of "Why the playoffs are no place for Eli Manning." Message from the Potato: wake me when it's over.

OAKLAND (4-8) at GREEN BAY (10-2)
It wouldn't matter if Miss Piggy were Brett Favre's backup instead of Aaron Rodgers--the Raiders still wouldn't have a prayer of winning in Green Bay in December. Funny, but those cheeseheads sure LOOK a lot more hospitable than the freaks in the Black Hole.

MINNESOTA (6-6) at SAN FRANCISCO (3-9)
Couch Potato defies anyone to come up with a scarier 6-6 team in the last decade than the Adrian Peterson-led Vikings. None of the other NFC contenders wants to see Minnesota in the playoffs--you can count on that.

ARIZONA (6-6) at SEATTLE (8-4)
How many chances can the Cardinals get in one season? This team has let one opportunity after another slip through its hands this season--finally coming up with a clutch win against Cleveland last week. Here's a chance for the Cards to get one of their biggest wins ever and move a giant step toward an elusive playoff birth.

PITTSBURGH (9-3) at NEW ENGLAND (12-0)
Finally, a football game appears on the schedule. Naturally, with both teams in control of their divisions, there's one story line that rises above all here: Are the Steelers the team to end the Pats' run at perfection and preserve the '72 Dolphins as the NFL's last unbeaten/untied team? Yeah, right.

DENVER (5-7) at KANSAS CITY (4-8)
Couch Potato remembers attending a Broncos-Chiefs game at Arrowhead back in '85, and swigging from a fifth of Jose Cuervo throughout. We needed it to keep our butts warm on the ice-covered seats. The QBs that day were John Elway and Todd Blackledge. Amazingly, BOTH teams have downgraded at the position since then.

CLEVELAND (7-5) at NY JETS (3-9)
The Browns are closing in on their first playoff birth since the team was reformed in Cleveland, but they may be catching the Jets at the wrong time--New York is coming off a trouncing of the Dolphins after upsetting the Steelers two weeks ago. Ah, what is CP saying? The Jets still stink.

INDIANAPOLIS (10-2) at BALTIMORE (4-8)
Anyone else wondering what excuses the Ravens will come with after another loss to an elite team? Or whether the officials will keep a closer eye on their flags when Bart Scott's around?

NEW ORLEANS (5-7) at ATLANTA (3-9)
Bet THIS matchup looked a little more enticing before Michael Vick started strangling dogs and the Saints decided to underachieve on an epic level. Can someone explain why the whole flexible scheduling thing isn't coming into play here? Wouldn't Steelers-Pats, Chargers-Titans or Cards-Seahawks have made more sense?

Now where is that remote?