Week 7: Not Exactly the Peak of the Season

Couch Potato would be hard-pressed to argue that any weekly schedule this season could be more lackluster than week 7. Not only are we in the dog days of the schedule—not far enough into the season for true playoff jostling, but far enough for teams to be beaten up and exhausted—but take a look at the assortment of the league’s best stories who will be on the sideline this week:

-The Bills, surprise darlings of the AFC and one of the league’s most entertaining teams;

-The Lions, surprise darlings of the NFC and one of the league’s most entertaining teams;

-The Bengals, themselves a surprise at 4-2, who just may have pulled off one of the all-time great trade deadline deals, getting what could end up being two first-round picks for Carson Palmer, who was probably never going to play for them again anyway and likely won’t make Raiders fans forget Kenny Stabler;

-The Patriots, perennial contenders who were thought to be in transition, saddled with a porous defense, but are instead as dominant as ever thanks to the continued wizardry of Tom Brady;

-The Eagles, perennial contenders who were thought to be positioned for a Super Bowl run, but are instead this season’s poster child for organizational dysfunction; and

-The Giants, who qualify merely because as a contending team in New York they attract large television audiences.

That being said, there are still games on the schedule, and although Couch Potato will be attending Neil Young’s Bridge School Benefit show at Shoreline Amphitheatre, and thus not paying attention to the on-field action, he’ll trudge ahead with his thoughts on a lineup that lacks any game that could be considered must-see TV:

San Diego (4-1) at NY Jets (3-3)
The best story angle here is on the sidelines, where the Jets’ Rex Ryan and Chargers’ Norv Turner have been exchanging chippy barbs about theoretical Super Bowl rings. Uh, guys, just a reminder: You don’t have any, and Couch Potato is willing to bet you never will. Especially you, Norv.

Chicago (3-3) at Tampa Bay (4-2)
What’s that I heard? Jay Cutler was cussing out Mike Martz on the field for his play calls? My, that’s so out of character. To be fair, though, this time Cutler has a real beef: He must be painfully aware that QBs playing in Martz’ offenses have been sacked 40-plus times in each of the past 10 seasons, including the 63 times Cutler’s gone down since the start of last season. Ouch.

Washington (3-2) at Carolina (1-4)
What is wrong with Mike Shanahan? He has a surprisingly good thing going with Rex Grossman, who reverts to form for one game—and Shanahan benches him? For John Beck? It’s not like Beck’s exactly Don Strock. (A reference for you long-time fans—and anyone who watched that classic 1982 playoff battle with Dan Fouts.)

Atlanta (3-3) at Detroit (5-1)
The Falcons playing on the road—much less against a quality opponent—is like a meal at McDonalds: it induces a lot of nausea. However, if his team does manage to pull off the upset, Atlanta head coach Mike Smith better think very carefully about how he approaches his post-game handshake with the Lions’ Jim Schwartz, who’s probably still chasing Jim Harbaugh.

Seattle (2-3) at Cleveland (2-3)
Really, people, does anyone outside of these two cities give a damn about this game? Flip a coin, and move on. Nothing to see here.

Denver (1-4) at Miami (0-5)
Talk about two teams who have had high hopes dashed on the shores of Lake Choke-and-Gag. But the intrigue factor here is significantly buoyed by the Broncos’ decision to start Tim Tebow in place of Kyle Orton.

Houston (3-3) at Tennessee (3-2)
Another promising year is in jeopardy of dissolving into another disappointing ending in Houston, where the once high-flying Texans have lost their mojo, and will probably be playing without Andre Johnson once again. Not a great setup for a road game against a division rival coming off a bye week following a brutal loss.

Kansas City (2-3) at Oakland (4-2)
Let’s see…what’s the storyline here? The storied Raiders-Chiefs rivalry? The Raiders resurgence? The pressure building on Chiefs QB Matt Cassell and head coach Todd Haley? Oh, that’s right…there’s some guy named Palmer who may be taking snaps for the Silver & Black. And forget all this talk of taking it slowly—the Raiders did not trade their future for Carson Palmer so they could start Kyle Boller. Period.

Pittsburgh (4-2) at Arizona (1-4)
And to think, these two teams faced off in the Super Bowl less than 3 years ago. Don’t be fooled by the Steelers’ record. This is an old team getting older by the week. As for the Cardinals, I’m guessing someone’s figured out by now that Kevin Kolb isn’t the answer.

Green Bay (6-0) at Minnesota (1-5)
This could get ugly. The Packers offense is firing on as many cylinders as a football team can have, and their surprisingly mediocre defense can look forward to a get-well party with rookie Christian Ponder set to make his first start for Minnesota. Who can blame the Vikings? If Kolb hasn’t been the answer in Phoenix, Donovan McNabb has been the anti-answer in Minneapolis.

St. Louis (0-5) at Dallas (2-3)
No team can fall too low to look forward to a game against the Cowboys, who seem to play to the level of their competition every week, but always find a way to fall a bit short. If Dallas loses this one, expect Jerry Jones to pull out his machete and start looking for heads to chop off.

Indianapolis (0-6) a New Orleans (4-2)
Amazing how one man’s absence hangs over a game. If Peyton Manning suits up for this, it’s a hotly anticipated rematch of the Super Bowl XLIV. Without him, it’s just another mid-season mismatch. Couch Potato will be interested to find out if, when the Saints inevitably are up by 3 or 4 touchdowns late in the game, Sean Payton does what so many of his peers seem unwilling to do—pull Drew Brees and make sure a silly injury doesn’t send the Saints’ season up in smoke.

MONDAY NIGHT
Baltimore (4-1) at Jacksonville (1-5)
The producers of Monday Night Football would like you to know that those responsible for scheduling the series of dogs we’ve been subjected to have been sacked. Then again, this matchup probably looked a lot better before Jack Del Rio mysteriously released David Garrard just before the season started. Sure looks like a good move now, eh?

Niners-Lions Highlights a Gout-Free Lineup

Couch Potato scoured the injury reports this week, and this much is confirmed: No players are expected to miss games this week due to gout. Alas, CP hasn’t been so lucky—he suffered through a terrible attack of gout last week, causing him to post an abbreviated column very late Saturday night, meaning it’s possible that nary a human being has read it. In other words, it was pretty much like all of his earlier columns.

This was very sad, given that the Potato was looking forward to doing a little gloating after a dominant 15-1 week in which he captured his first outright weekly title in what seems like forever, just two weeks after sharing the pot. That’s right, folks—it’s Green Bay, Detroit and Couch Potato, all at the top of their games.

On the football field, a wholly unpredictable season continued to deliver surprising results, and after 5 weeks, we have two divisions—the NFC West and AFC South—that look completely upside-down. Two consensus picks for division championships—Indianapolis and St. Louis—have yet to win a game between them (although Indy obviously has one of the all-time great explanations for its futility, having gone from Peyton Manning to Kerry Collins to Curtis Painter, which is like going from a Mercedes to a Buick Skylark to a rusty bicycle). Meanwhile, two perennial doormats—Houston and the 49ers—find themselves at the top of their divisions.

Throw in the Buffalo Bills’ fast start, the Philadelphia Eagles’ total implosion, and the NY Jets’ 3-game losing streak, and insanity reigns over much of the league. That’s not to say there aren’t some things playing to form—the Packers’ and Patriots’ strong play and the Cowboys’ strange brand of melodrama are all things we can set our watches by at this point. But if there’s anything we should all have learned by now, it’s that there’s no rhyme or reason from one week of the NFL schedule to the next.
That said, Couch Potato will at least take a crack at shedding light on this week’s slate of games:

San Francisco (4-1) at Detroit (5-0)
What once appeared to be a dog of a game now has the look of a marquee match-up. On one side we’ve got emerging sensation Matthew Stafford throwing to a ridiculous assortment of weapons including Calvin Johnson, Brandon Pettigrew and Javhid Best. On the other side awaits Patrick Willis and the 49ers’ tenacious D (with apologies to Jack Black). Something’s gotta give.

Cleveland (2-2) at Oakland (3-2)
The ghost of Al Davis will try to help the Raiders go to 4-2 as the Silver & Black play their first home game without Davis in his box since the Norman Conquest. Coming into a haunted Black Hole with an unsatisfied Peyton Hillis (who now says he doesn’t expect to be back in Cleveland next year) is not what the Browns had in mind.

St. Louis (0-4) at Green Bay (5-0)
Does Couch Potato really have to break this game down? Isn’t it abundantly apparent what’s going to happen? Go ahead, pick the Rams—the Potato dares you!

Jacksonville (1-4) at Pittsburgh (3-2)
Couch Potato doesn’t know what was a bigger surprise: That Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger threw 5 TD passes last week on a bum ankle, or that Roethlisberger didn’t celebrate by groping a woman. Mizzou alum and starting Jags’ QB Blaine Gabbert gets Troy Polamalu & Co. this week, followed by Ray Lewis and the Ravens next week. Talk about throwing him to the wolves.

Philadelphia (1-4) at Washington (3-1)
Having already dug themselves an almost insurmountable hole, the Eagles are essentially playing for their playoff lives now. Lose this one, and the season’s a wash—while the Redskins would join Detroit and Buffalo as one of the league’s big surprises.

Carolina (1-4) at Atlanta (2-3)
The Falcons owe a big thank you to Philadelphia, without whom they would probably be the league’s biggest disappointment. A fashionable pre-season Super Bowl pick, Atlanta will have to make a run just to squeeze into the playoffs. A loss is likely to leave them a whopping 4 games back in the division.
So much for this being Matt Ryan’s big breakout season.

Indianapolis (0-5) at Cincinnati (3-2)
The latest stop on the Colts’ express train to Andrew Luck Station; the Bengals, riding back-to-back wins behind rookie QB Andy Dalton, will be only too happy to accept Indy’s generosity.

Buffalo (4-1) at NY Giants (3-2)
What might have looked like a dangerous game for the Bills took on a different tenor after the Giants were lit up at home by Seattle—and the great Charlie Whiteside—last week. Reports are that several new veins appeared on Tom Coughlin forehead in the aftermath of that inexcusable loss.

Houston (3-2) at Baltimore (3-1)
The Texan’s potent offense has been held in check the past two weeks at home, and now it goes on the road to face the most ferocious, ball-hawking unit in the league. This game will tell us a lot about how much of a contender Matt Schaub et al really are.

Dallas (2-2) at New England (4-1)
Let’s see—on one side you have a soap opera starring a QB who seems to suffer some kind of brain lock late in close games. On the other, you have the league’s most ruthlessly efficient—and largely drama-free—winning machine. You do the math.

New Orleans (4-1) at Tampa Bay (3-2)
Still stinging from their pasting by the 49ers last week, the Bucs canceled all their practices this week and instead provided players with counseling for post-traumatic stress disorder. With the Saints coming into town, they might want to keep those counselors handy.

Minnesota (1-4) at Chicago (2-3)
Donovan McNabb vs. Jay Cutler. If that doesn’t sum up this game, then Couch Potato doesn’t know what would.

MONDAY
Miami (0-4) at NY Jets (2-3)
New York is a heavy favorite, but with the Jets in a swoon and the Dolphins happy to be away from their house of horrors in Miami, this is one of those crazy AFC East games that’s likely to deliver a classic finish. And lest you forget, the Fish are 3-0 on the road against the Jets under current head coach Tony Sparano. Then again, Matt Moore is starting at QB for Miami, so all bets are off.

Better late and abbreviated than never--or not

Loyal readers, this week’s CPR is very late and somewhat abbreviated because Couch Potato spent much of this week suffering through an attack of gout (very painful—I don’t suggest you try it). On to this week’s schedule:

Tennessee (3-1) at Pittsburgh (2-2)
If you had told Couch Potato that the Titans would be 3-1 with Chris Johnson rushing for fewer than 50 yards per game, he’d have said, “yeah, and I suppose the Steelers are gonna lose a defensive struggle to the Texans, too.” That both things have happened is surely the latest sign that the universe is imploding.

Seattle (1-3) at NY Giants (3-1)
Eli Manning is the third-rated passer in the NFL. Who’d have guessed? Amazing that a guy can fly under the radar playing in New York with the name Manning.

Cincinnati (2-2) at Jacksonville (1-3)
This has absolutely nothing to do with this game, but isn’t it weird to just have Carson Palmer sitting out the season? Meanwhile, in Jacksonville, the Jags continue to use Maurice Jones-Drew so much less than they should with rookie QB Blaine Gabbert behind center.

New Orleans (3-1) at Carolina (1-3)
Three weeks ago, rookie Panthers QB Cam Newton faced Aaron Rodgers (and played gamely, throwing for 432 yards in a loss). Now he gets Drew Brees. It's these matchups with marquee QBs that will tell us the most about this young phenom.

Oakland (2-2) at Houston (3-1)
Listen, all you whiny Raiders fans: Yes, we all know you were on the short end of all the calls in last week’s loss to the Patriots. But as long as Jason Campbell continues to sprinkle in the occasional boneheaded play—and not even look upset by it—there’s a serious ceiling on the Silver & Black’s potential.

Philadelphia (1-3) at Buffalo (3-1)
Uhhh…which team is the “dream team” here? Most people would have predicted these teams to have each others’ records. Instead, the Bills are riding high—even after suffering their first loss—and the Eagles are already playing for their season.

Kansas City (1-3) at Indianapolis (0-4)
Somewhere, Peyton Manning is smiling at the impact his absence is having. No NFL team has ever had a less worrisome 0-4 start. With Manning, the Colts would be 3-1, at least. Without him? They might just end up with Andrew Luck. Even Manning’s timing on his injuries is Hall of Fame-worthy.

Arizona (1-3) at Minnesota (0-4)
The Cardinals typically don’t travel well, and the Vikings just plain stink. If this were the only game on TV, Couch Potato would be out mowing the lawn instead.

Tampa Bay (3-1) at San Francisco (3-1)
Last week’s win over the Eagles was clearly the signature victory of the post-Steve Mariucci/Jeff Garcia 49ers. A win over the Bucs, and QB Alex Smith will start to shed the “bust” title that’s dogged him for 6 years.

NY Jets (2-2) at New England (3-1)
Lots of yards will be piled up, and red zone action will be furious. Bill Belichick’s hoodie will have extra starch in it, and spittle will fire from Rex Ryan’s mouth. Former Jets will provide the Patriots with key intelligence, spurring a new round of cheating accusations. Just another day at the office for the NFL’s most drama-filled rivalry.

San Diego (3-1) at Denver (1-3)
The Chargers, completely unaccustomed to being 3-1, mistakenly believed it was December and had snow brought in to their practices to try to duplicate conditions in Denver.

Green Bay (4-0) at Atlanta (2-2)
The way Aaron Rodgers is playing, the Roman Empire at its peak wouldn’t stand a chance against the Packers.

MONDAY
Chicago (2-2) at Detroit (4-0)
First the Lions start 4-0, and then the Tigers win a first-round playoff series on the Yankees’ home field? What’s next, jobs start returning to the Motor City? Matthew Stafford has Lions titillated that they just might not have to talk about Bobby Layne anymore.

With Apologies to Peter King: Things We Think We Know

This week's games will bring an end to the first quarter of the season, meaning we should have a pretty clear idea of who's on the right track come Monday. Then again, there are a lot of pretty strong indications already. So let's get an early start on grouping the league into playoff contenders, bubble teams and also-rans, all listed in alphabetical order.

CONTENDERS
You'll note there are 14 teams on this list. Only 12 make the playoffs, so at least two of these teams will be on the outside looking in come playoff time. That's the kind of mad math skills Couch Potato brings to his searing analysis:
Baltimore—An up and coming QB in Flacco, a punishing young running back in Rice, and the always ferocious defense. All the pieces are there.
Buffalo—This is the year Ryan Fitzpatrick's Ivy League background finally pays off.
Detroit—So long as Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson stay healthy, an end to the playoff drought seems highly likely.
Dallas—The Cowboys will go as far as Tony Romo's puny little brain can take them.
Green Bay—Favre to Rodgers transition rivals Montana to Young; Rodgers will be the best player in the NFL for the next 10 years.
Houston—Thanks to a vastly improved defense, this is the year the Texans get over the hump and play in January.
New England—The Pats will only lose when a team can outscore them, and that won't happen often.
New Orleans—So long as Drew Brees and his army of receivers is suiting up, the Saints will be a playoff mainstay.
NY Giants—The Giants well-rounded roster will keep them in the hunt.
NY Jets—If the Jets miss the playoffs, Rex Ryan's head just might explode.
Oakland—It pains me to publicly acknowledge this, but the Raiders are clearly on the right track.
Pittsburgh—The Steelers D may not be as ferocious, but with Big Ben behind the controls, there will always be plenty of wins.
San Diego—Normally slow-starting Chargers are 2-1 with Phillip Rivers off to a sub-par start. Expect them to get better as the season progresses.
Tampa Bay—Bucs catch a break with their late-season schedule, which is pretty much bereft of cold weather games, save a Nov. 20 trip to Green Bay.

BUBBLE TEAMS
Couch Potato wouldn't be surprised to see any of these teams sneak in:
Atlanta—Until the Falcons shows they can win outside the Georgia Dome, it's hard to take them seriously.
Chicago—Two words: Jay Cutler
Cleveland—Colt McCoy era just getting started—Browns fans will need to be patient for another year.
Philadelphia—It doesn't matter how many stars the Eagles have assembled: If Vick doesn't stay healthy, they're toast.
San Francisco—If 49ers find a way to squeak in, it will probably be despite Alex Smith, not because of him.
Tennessee—Matt Hasselbeck's play so far is a nice little story, but Chris Johnson's horrible start is a huge concern.
Washington—Two more words: Rex Grossman

ALSO-RANS
Fans of these teams should feel safe booking January ski weekends:
Arizona—Last week's loss in Seattle spoke volumes about this team's weaknesses.
Carolina—Cam Newton makes Panthers a team to watch in 2012 and beyond.
Cincinnati—Like Newton, Andy Dalton gives the Bengals hope. Now they just need to surround him with some skill players.
Denver—Think John Fox wishes he could have stayed in Carolina to coach Newton?
Indianapolis—2011 theme: Is there life in Indy after Peyton?
Jacksonville—The Blaine Gabbert experiment has begun. Jags better hope MoJo survives.
Kansas City—To think, this team was awash in optimism before getting outscored 89-10 in the first two weeks.
Miami—When a team can't win at home, it's pretty much doomed.
Minnesota—The last thing Vikings fans expected McNabb to do was make them long for Tarvaris Jackson.
Seattle—Blech. Nothing more to say.
St. Louis—The Rams will get better, but their 0-3 whole will prove too big to crawl out from.

Now that we've rendered the regular season moot, let's get to this week's games:

Detroit (3-0) at Dallas (2-1)
If it weren’t for Tony Romo’s opening week fourth-quarter brain lock, this would be a battle of unbeatens. Dallas is on an NFL record 9-game streak of games decided by 3 points or less. Meanwhile, Detroit hasn’t lost since December 5, 2010, winning a decidedly un-Lion-like 7 in a row. Couch Potato will go out on a limb and guarantee that ONE of those streaks will end Sunday.

Carolina (1-2) at Chicago (1-2)
This game features a contrasting quarterback duel pitting Jay Cutler against Cam Newton. One of them is playing like a seasoned veteran who makes sound decisions. The other one is playing like Cutler.

Buffalo (3-0) at Cincinnati (1-2)
The way Ryan Fitzpatrick, Fred Jackson and the Bills receivers are performing, it’s tempting to elevate Buffalo from early season novelty to valid playoff contender. Conversely, an ugly home loss to the 49ers tells us that the Andy Dalton-led Bengals have a ways to go.

Tennessee (2-1) at Cleveland (2-1)
Painful reminder to all you Chris Johnson fantasy owners: After lobbying to be the league’s top paid back, Johnson has led the Titans to the bottom of the NFL rushing ranks after 3 weeks. That, folks, is what we call a poor return on investment.

Minnesota (0-3) at Kansas City (0-3)
The Chiefs are enduring one of the NFL’s epic nightmare starts after entering the season with aspirations of building on last season’s surprise playoff appearance. The Vikings are learning just how limited an offense run by an aging Donovan McNabb is. Yep, we’re a long, long way from Super Bowl IV, when Len Dawson and the Chiefs beat up on Joe Capp and the Vikings, 23-7.

Washington (2-1) at St. Louis (0-3)
The one thing young Rams QB Sam Bradford did not need was to find himself playing without Steven Jackson, whose absence has allowed teams to key on Bradford. If Jackson plays this week, things get a lot more complicated for the Redskins’ defense.

New Orleans (2-1) at Jacksonville (1-2)
Last week, Couch Potato failed to note that Mizzou alum Blaine Gabbert would be starting his first game, going up against fellow rookie Cam Newton. This week, Gabbert’s education kicks up a notch as he faces off against the impeccable Drew Brees. I know one blogger/columnist who’ll be pulling for him.

Pittsburgh (2-1) at Houston (2-1)
Finally, we get to see what the Steelers’ opening week disaster in Baltimore might have meant, as the vaunted Steel Curtain faces one of the league’s most dynamic offenses, which may be welcoming back the injured Arian Foster. Dominating wins over the anemic Seahawks and Peyton-less Colts told us pretty much nothing about Troy Polamalu & Co.

San Francisco (2-1) at Philadelphia (1-2)
So much for all the talk of the Eagles having assembled a so-called “Dream Team.” After suffering through a Kafka-esque fourth quarter implosion at home against the Giants—the second straight week Philadelphia has had to finish a game without Michael Vick—the Eagles have to be wondering if trading Kevin Kolb and going all-in on an injury-prone dog killer was such a good idea.

NY Giants (2-1) at Arizona (1-2)
Speaking of Kolb, so far his tenure in Phoenix can hardly be called the second coming of Kurt Warner. Meanwhile, after their season opening clunker against Washington, Eli Manning and the G-Men have settled into their typically efficient—if not awe-inspiring—brand of winning football.

Atlanta (1-2) at Seattle (1-2)
Pity the team that’s anointed a trendy Super Bowl pick before the season, as was the case with the Falcons. A note to the prognosticators: Before jumping on a team’s bandwagon, you might want to verify that it can actually win on the road, which Atlanta simply does not do. (Matt Ryan & Co. should have enough to squeak out a win over the Seahawks, though.)

Miami (0-3) at San Diego (2-1)
With Chad Henne still under center for the Dolphins, no one will be anticipating anything like the overtime playoff classic the Dolphins and the Dan Fouts-led Chargers staged in January 1982. But the Dolphins should be thankful to get out of Miami, where they’ve inexplicably lost 9 of their last 10.

New England (2-1) at Oakland (2-1)
Couch Potato really wants to be there to cheer on the Pats as Tom Brady takes the field in the Bay Area for the first time in 9 years, but he also wants to remain un-hospitalized, so he’ll take advantage of the fact that the Raiders managed to sell out in time to lift the local TV blackout. A win for the Raiders establishes them as an AFC contender. God help us all.

Denver (1-2) at Green Bay (3-0)
There's nothing a defending Super Bowl champ likes better than to fly under the radar, and that's exactly what the Packers are doing. While the football world has been marveling at the revivals in Detroit and Buffalo, Green Bay's 3-0 start has gone almost completely unnoticed. But something tells the Couch Potato that the Broncos are keenly aware of it.

NY Jets (2-1) at Baltimore (2-1)
This match-up of two of the league's best defenses didn't disappoint last year, with the Ravens winning 10-9. This time, don't be surprised if offense rules the day, as both teams have put up solid numbers in their wins. Outlandish prediction: This game features more trick plays than any other on the Week 4 schedule.

MONDAY NIGHT
Indianapolis (0-3) at Tampa Bay (2-1)
Yep, I bet this is just what the NFL schedulers had in mind: Curtis Painter, starting at QB for the Colts, on the road, in prime time. Methinks the Colts will be one step closer to winning the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.