Freezing: Good or Bad? Don't Ask the Black Hole

You have to love Raiders fans. One week, they're flooding Bay Area talk radio shows with whining about Mike Shanahan's kicker-freezing timeout that led to a crushing loss to the Broncos, and the next week they're praising Lane Kiffin for doing the same to steal a win from Cleveland. I hear the Bush Administration is looking for people with that kind of personal accountability.

Let's take a moment to quickly review a newsy week around the NFL:

-News: Rex Grossman out, Brian Griese in as Chicago's starting QB. Reaction: Ooo, now the Bears can turn the ball over on downs instead of coughing it up via turnover.

-News: Michael Vick tests positive for marijuana. Reaction: Forget the dog-killing thing, NOW it's time to string him up!

-News: Deuce McAllister out for year with torn ACL. Reaction: Reggie Bush, meet some NFL linebackers. Linebackers, try to be gentle--he is the chosen one, after all.

-News: After loss to Packers, San Diego's superstar RB LaDainian Tomlinson declares "I'm lost." Reaction: Maybe firing Marty Schottenheimer wasn't such a good idea?

-News: Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter "guarantees" a win over the Raiders this week. Reaction: Joey, when you're on a bad team, and you're playing a bad team, nobody cares.

On to this week's slate of games, which figure to separate the contenders from the future therapy patients:

OAKLAND (1-2) AT MIAMI (0-3)
Miami is tied for 29th in the league in rushing defense, but their pass defense ranks 7th. This plays right into the Raiders hands because no one in Oakland can throw the ball, and even if they could, they have no one to throw it to. Good thing they have Lamont Jordan. Of course, they also have Al Davis, who looks more and more like he's been taking over-sized doses of progesterone.

CHICAGO (1-2) AT DETROIT (2-1)
Rex Grossman took his demotion like a man last week, falling to the ground and flailing his arms and legs until Lovie Smith sent him to the principal's office. Not surprisingly, during his tantrum, Grossman fumbled twice and threw an interception.

ST. LOUIS (0-3) AT DALLAS (3-0)
Last week, your beloved Couch Potato declared Minnesota and its stout run defense a "sure thing" over Kansas City and its one dimensional Larry Johnson offense. One week (and one Chiefs victory) later, the Couch Potato is once again establishing himself as a glutton for punishment by declaring a Cowboys win over the suddenly sad-sack Rams this week's "sure thing."

HOUSTON (2-1) AT ATLANTA (0-3)
So, the Falcons now have Byron Leftwich on the roster. I don't care if they signed Byron Shelley, when your top two offensive weapons are a tight end and a running back in his mid-30s, your post-Michael Vick life looks mighty bleak indeed.

NY JETS (1-2) AT BUFFALO (0-3)
Buffalo will be led this week by backup QB Trent Edwards (Stanford) and rookie RB Marshawn Lynch (Cal). They may not win a football game with that tandem, but the Couch Potato bets they could put together a mean 2-minute pitch for seed funding.

GREEN BAY (3-0) AT MINNESOTA (1-2)
The Vikings couldn't keep Damon Huard from beating them last week, so what on earth are they going to do to stop a rejuvenated Brett Favre? If they still had Fred Smoot, they could have had him wheel in the prostitute-filled Love Boat as a distraction--alas, they'll have to rely on their marginal secondary. I'd prefer the Love Boat.

BALTIMORE (2-1) AT CLEVELAND (1-2)
Jamal Lewis has been talking a big game this week, pointing out that he played with many of the Ravens and thus knows their tendencies--and their weaknesses. What he's forgetting to factor in, is that when he practiced against them for all those years, he was doing it behind Baltimore's O-line, not the sad sack bunch he has in Cleveland. Note to Lewis: the Ravens are NOT the Bengals.

SEATTLE (2-1) AT SAN FRANCISCO (2-1)
The 49ers seem to have done the unlikely in adapting to life with QB Alex Smith--they've learned how to win with only 117 passing yards. And as you know, the Couch Potato doggedly holds onto the belief that the Seahawks are on their annual march toward a 9-7 season.

TAMPA BAY (2-1) AT CAROLINA (2-1)
The records make it look like these teams may be on the verge of finding their former inner selves, but let's be clear about something: 2 of their combined 4 wins have come against the reeling Rams squad. If it ever made sense to pick a tie, this would be the game to do it. Couch Potato doesn't have that kind of courage.

DENVER (2-1) AT INDIANAPOLIS (3-0)
No matter how good Denver has seemed in past years, they've had their heads handed to them by the Colts seemingly every time they've played. This Denver team just does not look very good (last-second wins against the Bills and Raiders), so this one has blowout written all over it.

KANSAS CITY (1-2) AT SAN DIEGO (1-2)
If you'd told the Couch Potato that these two teams would have the same record after 3 weeks, he'd have told you to get back to your crack pipe. And yet, here they stand. Not for long, though--if the Chargers have even a shred of mental toughness, they should rack up at least a 21 point win here. So naturally, they'll probably eke it out on a late game scamper by LT.

PITTSBURGH (3-0) AT ARIZONA (1-2)
Cardinals Coach Ken Wisenhut is getting ready for his former team by deciding to platoon youngster Matt Leinart, who will start and try to build some offensive momentum, and the aging Kurt Warner, who will take over in 2-minute hurry-up situations. There's a great Viagra joke there somewhere if anyone wants to take a crack at it.

PHILADELPHIA (1-2) AT NY GIANTS (1-2)
In his past 4 games against the Giants, Eagles QB Donovan McNabb has nine TD passes, zero interceptions, and three 300-yard games. And those games were played when the Giants were only in mid-level disarray. Couch Potato has taken the time to explain the importance of such "trends" before--ignore him at your own risk.

MONDAY NIGHT: NEW ENGLAND (3-0) AT CINCINNATI (1-2)
Naturally, Couch Potato is a bit biased here. Videogate or no videogate, the Pats are looking downright scary. But they have yet to come up against a passing game anywhere near the level of what the Bengals will throw at them. Then again, the Bengals gave up 51 points to Cleveland, for criminy's sake, so a word to the wise: Take the over. (Predicted score: Pats 41, Bengals 27)

Lions & Texans & Browns, Oh My!

In a league where Derek "Who?" Anderson has three times as many TD passes as a top-flight QB like Mark Bulger, one has to get comfortable with expecting the unexpected. Like Anderson and his Cleveland Browns ringing up 51 points on the Bengals, or the New Orleans Saints not being able to score. Like Washington, Houston, San Francisco and Detroit--Detroit!--at 2-0, while the 0-2 Eagles, Rams, Saints and Giants watch what were supposed to be promising seasons go down the drain. Like NY Jets coach Eric Mangini appearing to take a bigger reputation hit for turning in Bill "The Una-taper" Belichick than Belichick has for cheating. Like a national TV audience getting to watch Mike Ditka scratch his nuts.

Yes, it's fun, fun, fun in the topsy-turvy, paranoid delusional, Neanderthal world of the NFL. Why else would the Couch Potato lay down $325 for DirecTV's HD Sunday NFL Ticket package? What could be more entertaining than watching unpredictable, unethical, and uncivilized boors bashing heads and psyches every week? Oh, wait, that was the season premier of "Survivor"--my bad!

On to this week's slate of psychological warfare:

ARIZONA (1-1) AT BALTIMORE (1-1)
Yes, the Cardinals look somewhat better than last year. Yes, Matt Leinart appears to be the real deal. Yes, Edgerrin James is having a career revival. Yes, Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald are a scary WR duo. No, Arizona will not beat Ray Lewis & Co. in Baltimore.

BUFFALO (0-2) AT NEW ENGLAND (2-0)
Couch Potato could put a lot of energy into analyzing the matchups, pointing out the familiarity these teams have with each other, wondering if not having that tape of their opponents' defensive coaches will eventually catch up with the Patriots. But really, it comes down to this: J.P. Losman vs. Tom Brady. 'Nuff said.

DETROIT (2-0) AT PHILADELPHIA (0-2)
As your beloved Couch Potato watched the Lions trot Jon Kitna back out just a quarter or so after suffering his third career concussion, he couldn't help but think of that cartoon character who nods his head in agreement enthusiastically, causing a rattling sound inside his skull. Meanwhile, Donovan McNabb will win this crucial game for the Eagles on behalf of over-criticized, harshly judged, multi-millionaire African-American superstar QBs everywhere.

INDIANAPOLIS (2-0) AT HOUSTON (2-0)
It would be sweet, indeed, to see the upstart Texans send a message to the league by knocking off the defending champs, thereby validating their rising status as an up-and-coming team. It also would be sweet if a giant anvil fell from the sky onto O.J. Simpson's head. Alas, neither of those things are going to happen.

MIAMI (0-2) AT N.Y. JETS (0-2)
These two teams are disasters in the making. Miami is finding out that an aging Trent Green is not an aging Dan Marino, and Ronnie Brown may not be stoned, but he's still no Ricky Williams. Meanwhile, fans of the Belichick-ratting Jets, in the midst of yet another season undermined by Chad Pennington's fragility, are fretting over the loss of their top CHEERLEADER, the guy who yells "J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS!" That's encouraging.

MINNESOTA (1-1) AT KANSAS CITY (0-2)
Exhibit A: A Vikings defense that's known as a run stuffer. Exhibit B: A Chiefs offense that has nothing to offer beyond Larry Johnson. This is what is known is the gambling business as a "sure thing."

SAN DIEGO (1-1) AT GREEN BAY (2-0)
Shawn Merriman's gyrating sack celebrations when his team is down three touchdowns may be a case of bad taste, but for a re-energized Brett Favre, backed by a rebuilt Packers' defense, catching the lip-flapping Chargers after they got spanked in New England is a case of bad timing.

SAN FRANCISCO (2-0) AT PITTSBURGH (2-0)
Yeah, there's a lot of excitement in the Bay Area over the Niners' better-than-expected start, but the offense is averaging under 200 yards, and the Steelers' D is on fire. Can you say wake-up call?

ST. LOUIS (0-2) AT TAMPA BAY (1-1)
The Couch Potato remains pretty convinced that St. Louis is better than it has shown, and the Bucs aren't as good as they looked last week. The Couch Potato also believes that integrity is more valuable than power, good triumphs over evil, and everyone is entitled to quality healthcare. He can't be wrong about everything, so the Rams win.

CINCINNATI (1-1) AT SEATTLE (1-1)
Anyone who's followed the Couch Potato's ramblings over the years knows that he has about as much faith in the Seahawks as he does in Congress. That said, when the Bengals surrender 51 points to a Browns team that traded its starting QB after one game to switch to a guy named Derek who's started 4 times, it's time to wonder what the heck "defensive genius" Marvin Lewis is doing on the Cincy sideline.

CLEVELAND (1-1) AT OAKLAND (0-2)
Question: If these two teams played in the forest, would they make a sound? Answer: No, but we'd all be able to hear the Raiders' fans whine afterward. Yes, this implies that the big CP would love to see Oakland lose this game (sorry you conspiracy-spouting Al Davis worshippers), but he just can't see Derek Anderson pulling off an encore. Then again, Couch Potato didn't see the sum-prime mortgage crisis coming, either.

JACKSONVILLE (1-1) AT DENVER (2-0)
Couch Potato can hear your consternation. The Broncos are at home, they're 2-0, and they've pulled out two nail-biters (albeit against the bottom-feeding Bills and Raiders). Jacksonville got absolutely run over by the Titans two weeks ago, and then barely squeaked by a terrible Atlanta team. Well, how's this for logic: Couch Potato doesn't care.

CAROLINA (1-1) AT ATLANTA (0-2)
As he sits on the bench soaking up the site of Joey Harrington running for his life, newly signed Falcons QB Byron Leftwich, formerly of the Jaguars, will wonder why the hell he didn't buy a yacht and sail around the world before signing with a contender in the coming off-season.

N.Y. GIANTS (0-2) AT WASHINGTON (2-0)
You would think the Giants would rally in a time of desperation and gather themselves to stave off disaster for at least one game. You would think that Eli Manning would find some inner fire for such a critical division matchup. You would think that taskmaster Tom Coughlin would whip this distracted team into shape when it counted. You would think Giants fans would rally around their struggling team with unconditional support. You'd be wrong.

DALLAS (2-0) AT CHICAGO (1-1)
So, Devin Hester thinks Dallas would be chicken not to kick the ball to him. Man up and tackle me, he says. As a fan, Couch Potato agrees. As a wannabe coach, he has just one response: When you play a one-dimensional team, you take away their one weapon. Doing so puts the game in the hands of Tony Romo and Rex Grossman. Advantage, Cowboys.

TENNESSEE (1-1) AT NEW ORLEANS (0-2)
After controlling the line of scrimmage against the Jaguars and Colts in their first two games, the Titans look like a team about ready to break out. After getting manhandled by the Colts and Buccaneers, the Saints look like a team about ready to break down. Then there's the little matter of Vince Young's Superman cape, and the hunch here is he's going to dust that baby off for a national Monday night audience, much the way Couch Potato has dusted off his keyboard for a return to his loyal readers.

This Time It's For Keeps!

Know this: The Couch Potato felt your sorrow when he had to curtail his effort to revive his beloved column last year (see those entries below). Alas, his heart was heavy from some personal trials, and the job proved too daunting. But this year, your humble servant in making sense of the insane NFL landscape is back, albeit a week late, and he's back with a vengeance, baby!

If you don't believe his words, consider this: The Couch Potato has taken the plunge to the dark side, occupying a spot in Fantasy Football league for the first time. That means having to raise the bar significantly when it comes to obsessing over every little detail that NFL rosters have to offer. It also means that by season's end, Couch Potato could find himself caring more about whether the Cleveland Browns' 4th string receiver has a hangnail than whether his beloved Patriots are illegally wiretapping American homes in search of inside information on the coming opponents game plan.

So, who's ready for some dogfighting!? Bring on the hounds!

A look at this week's schedule, with predicted winners in bold:

ATLANTA (0-1) AT JACKSONVILLE (0-1)
If there's one thing we learned last week--when there was real NFL action for the first time since the revelations about Michael Vick's darker side became known, thus letting down a team, a league, and a city--it's this: Atlanta stinks.

BUFFALO (0-1) AT PITTSBURGH (1-0)
Sure, Pittsburgh kicked the living crap out of Cleveland last week with an onslaught of offensive efficiency and defensive intensity. I also beat the daylights out of my son and his 5th grade friend in driveway basketball, but you don't see me pounding on my chest, do ya? (Still, this week the Steelers get to feast on J.P. Losman at home. 'Nuff said.)

CINCINNATI 1-0) AT CLEVELAND (0-1)
I'm sorry--there was something else we learned amid Pittsburgh's relentless pass rush and the Brown's subsequent decision to TRADE THEIR STARTING QB after one game: Cleveland stinks even worse than Atlanta.

GREEN BAY (1-0) AT NY GIANTS (0-1)
First the Giants endured yet another offseason filled with drama, what with the war of words between the organization and retired RB Tiki Barber, and the on again/off again retirement of DE Michael Strahan. Then the team loses its two brightest rising stars, Eli Manning and Brandon Jacobs, to first-week injuries. Sheesh, who's Tom Coughlin gonna yell at?

HOUSTON (1-0) AT CAROLINA (1-0)
That sound you hear is the weight of the fast-forming Texans' bandwagon creaking under the kind of weight it's never known. Hold on, folks, it's only been one week, and it's Matt Schaub, not John Elway. Plus, you beat Kansas City, which is one of the 4 or 5 worst teams in the league. Not to mention that you STILL passed on Reggie Bush. (The Couch Potato lives to provide teams with these kinds of reality checks.)

INDIANAPOLIS (1-0) AT TENNESSEE (1-0)
Little known fact: The Titans held Indy to just 33 points combined in two games last season. Clearly, the Colts were not subscribing to the Bill Belichick method of competitive advantage.

NEW ORLEANS (0-1) AT TAMPA BAY (0-1)
Belichick's fall from the genius ranks this week aside, has there ever been a coach who has fallen further from a Super Bowl title than Jon Gruden? If he was ever going to question the sanity of his legendary 3:17 a.m. wake-ups, now's the time.

SAN FRANCISCO (1-0) AT ST. LOUIS (0-1)
This is how far the 49ers have fallen since their heyday: The Bay Area got totally worked up about the team's comeback win last week over Arizona--ARIZONA, for criminy's sake. Somewhere, Bill Walsh was turning over in his grave.

DALLAS (1-0) AT MIAMI (0-1)
A win over the Dolphins will be gravy for the Cowboys, who were named the most valuable franchise in sports this week by Forbes. Once Terrell Owens inevitably combusts and parts way with the team, perhaps that value will go up further--y'know, the whole addition by subtraction thing. Until then, enjoy the show. It'll be a doozy.

MINNESOTA (1-0) AT DETROIT (1-0)
I know, it was only the Raiders, but the Lions sure LOOKED more confident last week. Now they face a division foe they haven't beaten since 2001. (Yes, that's six years ago, for the math-challenged among you.) I can't believe I'm even putting these words together in a sentence, but John Kitna may be the best QB Detroit has had in my lifetime.

SEATTLE (1-0) AT ARIZONA (0-1)
These teams are so far off the NFL's glamour map that I'll use this opportunity to offer up a fantasy rant: Seattle's #1 WR, former Patriot Deion Branch, caught ZERO balls last week. Naturally, he was in my starting lineup. See what happens when you don't have tape of the opponent's defensive signals?

KANSAS CITY (0-1) AT CHICAGO (0-1)
You remember that butt-kicking of 5th graders I mentioned having achieved? That was a fairer matchup than Kansas City's punchless offense against the Bears' lunatic defense, which will be as riled as a pit bull after holding Chargers RB LaDainian Tomlinson to 25 yards rushing last week only to watch the Bears' offense sputter away any chance of winning.

NY JETS (0-1) AT BALTIMORE (0-1)
Seeing these two NFL cities next to each other brings to mind the Jets' 1969 Super Bowl victory that was guaranteed by the brash Broadway Joe Namath. Okay, so that was the Baltimore COLTS, not the Ravens. Details, details. Still, consider this: You think Jets fans weren't fantasizing about Namath while they CHEERED Chad Pennington's injury last week?

OAKLAND (0-1) AT DENVER (1-0)
Broncos head coach Mike Shanahan is 19-5 against the Raiders during his tenure in Denver. That, folks, is what we in the journalism business like to call a "trend."

SAN DIEGO (1-0) AT NEW ENGLAND (1-0)
Rumor has it that this week, in an effort to better skirt the NFL's rules, Bill Belichick has the Gillette Stadium grounds crew building an exhaustive tunneling system so his coaches can listen, undetected, from under the Chargers' huddle, relaying information about the next play to the Pats' defense. If caught, Belichick plans to refer to it as a "field maintenance procedure."

WASHINGTON (1-0) AT PHILADELPHIA (0-1)
Mistake: Eagles cut their primary punt returner, Reno Mahe, just before the season starts, thinking others can fill the role. Result: Two muffed punts cost the Eagles the opener in Green Bay. Reaction: Mahe is re-signed three days later, and one of his replacements is released. Lesson learned: Gee whiz, guys, special teams are important? Who knew?