December: Now We'll See Who's For Real

The NFL season is a lot like life--at times endless, at other times way too fast. Take this week. How can it be week 13 already? And yet, it seems like a lifetime ago that the Patriots trained that camera on the Jets' sideline.

Of course, no discussion of the NFL at this particular moment in time is complete without mentioning the death of Sean Taylor. Taylor, who reportedly had been working hard to shed the remnants of his hard-scrabble street life in recent years, died from complications after being shot through a key artery in his hip during an apparent break-in at his home. The police are saying evidence supports the theory that it was a random break-in. In the coming weeks, we'll no doubt here lots of speculation this way or that, but the bottom line is, the life of a very promising 24-year-old was cut tragically short, and the Redskins suddenly become the fringe playoff contender that everyone is rooting for.

Ah, the playoffs--that word provides a perfect segue back to on-the-field business. And as we enter Week 13, that means trying to sort out who are the real playoff contenders as we hit the stretch drive. Why don't you just sit back and let Couch Potato offer a few perspectives on the games with the biggest playoff implications this weekend.

JACKSONVILLE (8-3) AT INDIANAPOLIS (9-2)
Granted, both of these teams are pretty much assured of the playoffs, barring disaster. But this game will greatly influence how the AFC playoffs progress by helping to determine the winner of the AFC South, and possibly one of conference's two playoff byes (the other likely going to New England). Here's what jumps out at Couch Potato most about this matchup: What idiot decided that Indianapolis is in the South? Well, that and the fact that the Colts are without Marvin Harrison and Dwight Freeney.

DETROIT (6-5) AT MINNESOTA (5-6)
So which team IS Detroit--the one that started 6-2, or the one that's come out flat the past 3 weeks and looks well on the way to 8-8 or even 7-9? (In addition to this tough game, the Lions have games against Dallas and at San Diego and Green Bay left on the schedule.) Meanwhile, an improving Minnesota team (on the fence at 5-6) gets Adrian Peterson back.

SEATTLE (7-4) AT PHILADELPHIA (5-6)
Here's a tale of two teams. On the one hand, you've got the Seahawks, sleepwalking toward yet another division title with a banged up star running back (Shawn Alexander) and a solid, controversy-free QB situation (with Matt Hasselbeck). On the other, you've got an underachieving disappointment (the Eagles) with a stud running back who seems to find a new gear each season (Brian Westbrook) and a banged-up QB (Donovan McNabb) who may find himself on the trading block if A.J. Feeley keeps playing like he did against New England last week.

HOUSTON (5-6) AT TENNESSEE (6-5)
These teams are limping to the end, and both could find themselves on the outside looking in. The difference is, Houston wasn't expected to sniff the playoffs, but Tennessee was. The Texans have been stuck playing musical RBs thanks to the fluctuating health of Ahman Green, while Vince Young's alarming lack of development this year has held back the Titans from becoming an upper-echelon team. The winner here will claim some important momentum heading into the last quarter of the season.

CLEVELAND (7-4) AT ARIZONA (5-6)
Most of us probably would have thought it was more likely that Paris Hilton would become a presidential candidate than either of these teams would be playoff contenders, much less both of them. And yet, here they are. Although CP has to admit it made him feel better to see Arizona give away what looked like a sure victory last week against the 49ers--as if all was right with the universe. In the case of Cleveland, the Potato remains convinced that John Elway eventually will appear on the field to break Browns' fans hearts once again. Imagine the ratings!

NY GIANTS AT CHICAGO
At his press conference this week, Eli Manning, coming off a confidence-draining performance against Minnesota, promised that he'll do his very best to remember that the guys in the Bears uniforms are not actually his receivers. Then again, Tom Coughlin could undermine any improvement by Eli if he decides to kick to Devin Hester, who continues to amaze on a weekly basis. Meanwhile, the Giants' ferocious pass rush is going up against Rex Grossman. If Eli doesn't shake off last week, there could be 10 turnovers in this one.

Now, moving to more personal business, CP knows he's asking a lot of your time this week (after asking for none last week), but here's your chance to get to know our pool administrator, who nipped her Dad in a close one for the Week 12 pot. Faithful readers, meet Christina Anderson!

CP: Couch Potato has noticed that you and your dad seem to go head to head from time to time-what, are you guys sharing some kind of Vulcan mind meld or something?
CB: Our "family" has always had a particular interest in gambling. No knee-breaking involved, of course. That said, my dad always comes THISCLOSE to winning. I wish I could get his luck mind meld - he's always winning the slots in Tahoe, and he once won quite a large Fantasy Five lotto game.

CP: Would you please share your pain with us about being a 49ers fan in the 21st century? (Now that we Patriots fans are experiencing what you once knew!)
CB: Believe it or not, my strong red-and-gold fandom came in the late 1990s so I'm more of a Steve Young girl than a Joe Montana girl. I also admit it's painful enough to watch them that I don't bother trying to find a bar tuned into the West Coast games. But I was super excited when they started the season 2-0, and more excited when they had a better record than Tom's Rams. (We're a competitive bunch, as you can tell.)

CP: If you were NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, what would you do about the embarrassing condition of the Pittsburgh field Monday night?
CB: Well since it helped me win the pot, not a darned thing. But on a similar topic, I love the idea of stadiums and teams that are truly owned by their community. Another reason I'm also a Green Bay fan. And will someone please save Candlestick? Favorite. Spot. Ever. I miss seeing Giants games there as a kid.

CP: CP saw the 3D Imax version of Beowulf over the holiday. Don't you think the NFL should be considering broadcasting its games in 3D HD?
CB: That would rock. Tom and I also saw it in 3D Imax. Terrible film, but it looked great. Angelina Jolie in gold lamé ... I bet the Cowgirls would look just as good in 3D. And some of the hand-to-hand combat scenes in Beowulf even reminded me of a tackle pile in NFL, so I think you're on to a hot idea.

CP: If you were to cast a movie about your life, what celebrity would you choose to play you, and why?
CB: I don't look anything like them, but I would cast someone like Kate Hudson or Kirsten Dunst. Both I think could capture what I think my personality is -- generally cheerful and happy, often a workaholic, but always ready for some fun. I sometimes hear people tell me I look like Sarah Michelle Gellar, but she's a bad actress so that's out. Tom's always told he's an Ed Norton lookalike, so we know who would play my hubby. Al Pacino would play my dad, and my best friend Hela would be played by Katie Holmes. Reading that will drive her crazy (even though it's true).

CP: On a serious note, can you give us a little taste of how the Washington community is taking the sudden death of Sean Taylor?
CB: It's above-the-fold news on both our front page and The Washington Post's - the region is stunned and playing out conspiracy theories. It's totally unreal. One of our friends, Erik, is a huge Skins fan and was saying he was their best player. Not sure if that was true but the story is still very sad.

CP: Never easy to transition from death back to humor, so we'll take a slight detour: Where do you go and what do you do when you want to be alone to contemplate the meaning of life?
CB: That's one of the top reasons I miss California - the ocean is always my answer. Now that we're not so close, I like the quiet of Virginia's mountains. I had one great drive on the Blue Ridge Parkway down in the Shenandoah a few years ago that is still memorable. On the campaign trail I end up with a lot of alone time, or at least time with the iPod in my ears and staring out the window of a bus as rows and rows of corn whiz by. That's good time to think deeply. That and airplanes, which I'm also frequenting these days.

(Note to readers: Given the lateness of this posting, the following question is now a source of pain for CP, who graduated from the University of Missouri School of Journalism in 1988.)
CP: Not that you'll have an answer to this, but CP has no choice but to ask it in a pool so chuck full of Missouri alumna: How weird is it that the Mizzou football team is ranked No. 1?
CB: Go Tigers. It's pretty hilarious that I follow Mizzou more than my own Cal Bears. But I am super happy for Tom (once a Marching Mizzou Man ... I'll leave the details for when he wins a pot), for our buddy Steve Sugg, and for Scott and Mike, who live in Columbia and no doubt are loving the environment out there right now.

CP: If you had to take one of the following troubled souls on your team, which would you choose, and why: Pacman Jones, Ricky Williams, Michael Vick, Chris Henry or Tank Johnson? (And who would have guessed such a list wouldn't include Terrell Owens or Randy Moss?)
CB: Darn - I wanted T.O. I'll go with Ricky Williams.

CP: As a journalist covering the insanity that is the presidential election, have you seen anything that should give any of us even the slightest inkling of hope that a good person will end up in the White House?
CB: Oh boy, this question will get me in trouble. The next president will definitely be better than Bush, that's for sure. And I'm willing to bet money it will be a Democrat. But to answer your question, Yes.

Week 10 Addendum: Our Tormentor Lives!

Good readers, the illustrious David McLinn--he of the trio of weekly victories--surfaced this evening, preventing him from occupying a place in ignominy for not subjecting to be being interviewed...and here's what he had to say:

CP: The last time you won, you were 12-1, and the Potato was 6-7. This time, you managed to go 10-4 during a ridiculous week that smacked CP with a 5-9. Why are you mocking us so? Don't you know how hard it is to win even one of these things in a season?
DM: I am the most dominant player in Football Pool history, what can I say....I just wish I was betting in Vegas to make some real money.

CP: So why don't you just take over the Couch Potato Report, too?
DM: No thanks. I'll leave that to you.

CP: During our last interview, you said your best memory of elementary school was beating up other kids. Is this season starting to remind you of the good old days?
DM: If I win the whole pool it will. I will give you my $51.00 buy-in, will that make it better?

CP: Sticking with the flashback theme, last time you told CP that you met your wife-to-be in a bar. Can you give us a bit more color? Where was the bar? What was she wearing? And what, pray tell, did you do to sweep her off her feet in those first moments?
DM: I met her at Circle Bar in Venice, CA...She picked me up...and I don't quite recall what she was wearing.

CP: What is your earliest memory of watching an NFL game? (For the Couch Potato, it's the Steel Curtain terrorizing Fran Tarkenton all through Super Bowl IX)
DM: I would say either OJ on the 405 Freeway in his white Bronco or Michael Irvin getting caught with a hooker in a motel smoking crack...Oh wait...did you say memory of watching an NFL game?

CP: What snacks do you have within reach while you sit on Sunday afternoons and watch all your winners come through?
DM: Unfortunately I am in law school so I don't know the last time that I actually watched a game...I am always in the library getting updates on espn.com

CP: Once you're married, and you get around to the inevitable bathroom remodel, if your wife wants you to come shopping for tile on a Sunday afternoon in November, what will you tell her?
DM: Well since I am going to be a sports agent, I will probably be sitting in the owner's box on Sunday afternoon with my wife to be.

CP: What's the worst job you've ever had? Give us the gory details.
DM: School teacher for kids who just got out of jail...You can put in the details, just imagine the worst.

CP: You know that commercial where a bunch of female Giants fans are gathering at this woman's apartment to watch the game when one shows up in a Jets jersey and draws the ire of the host? Would dating one of these women be a good thing, or just downright scary?
DM: I don't think I can take a girlfriend who is a football fanatic because then I would never study because I would be forced to watch games as opposed to hanging out in the wonderful law library.

CP: If you win again (and note-this is David's 3rd win this season-his first victory came before CP started doing these interviews), tell the faithful readers why in God's name they'd want to be subjected to yet another interview with you?
DM: Well, I will win again, and because I think I am funny.

Week 10: Let Us Never Speak of it Again

If this week's column seems a bit short (hold your applause), blame it on last week's winner, David McLinn. Mr. McLinn didn't respond to the Couch Potato's requests for interview answers, so the logical assumption is that he's absconded with our $300 (his winnings this season to date) and headed for Bali. For shame, David, for shame. (To make things fair, I'll still post his interview if he replies before we know this week's winner.)

Moving right along…

If any week illustrated exactly why the Couch Potato stopped picking games in his column (and has begun wondering what the point of picking games is anyway), it was Week 10, when chaos reigned supreme. Let's review the carnage of the, gulp, 9 games the Potato picked wrong last week (and which many of you undoubtedly blew, too):

St. Louis 37, New Orleans 29: All the ducks were in a row for the Saints. A four game winning streak had them back in contention, and a home game against the winless Rams would kick off a second half schedule that featured only one team with a winning record (Tampa Bay, that 5-4 juggernaut). And did CP mention that the Rams had yet to score a single TD on the road ALL SEASON? If anybody out there picked the Rams this week, you're either a genius or an idiot, or both.

Atlanta 20, Carolina 13: Let's see—the train wreck that is the post- Michael Vick Falcons, playing on the road, QB'd by Joey "Flailing Chicken" Harrington, and without the rising Jerious Norwood, against a Panthers team trying to move into a tie for the division lead, armed with a stout run defense and (one would hope) an air of desperation. So, of course the aging Warrick Dunn runs for an early 30-yard TD and chalks up a clock-hogging 140 yards of total offense. At least the game wasn't a total loss: CP started Dunn on his fantasy team.

Buffalo 13, Miami 10: The Bills nice little win-streak notwithstanding, the Couch Potato certainly wasn't the only one who saw this as a golden opportunity for the Dolphins to get in the win column. They've got to win a freakin' game sometime, don't they?

Jacksonville 28, Tennessee 13: How could this one go wrong? Tennessee not only was bringing one of the league's most physical defenses into a game against the equally physical Jaguars, but the Jags are still being QB'd by Quinn "Who?" Gray. And then Vince Young has probably his best game of the season. Naturally, the Titans get their helmets handed to them. Why do we even bother trying to pick these games!?

Denver 28, Kansas City 11: If there's one team that's really started to piss off CP, it's the Broncos. They're like the stock market these days—up for no particular reason, then down in mysterious fashion. Who could explain this one a week after Jay Cutler & Co. lost 44-7 to Detroit last week? Then again, we all should have guessed this one was an oddity when we checked in throughout the first half and saw scores of 5-3, 6-5 and 8-6.

Arizona 31, Detroit 21: See summary of game above. The Lions were coming off a 44-7 slashing of Denver, and needed a win to stay one game behind Green Bay with a Thanksgiving show-down looming. Which means none of us should be surprised that they were thoroughly dominated by a reeling Cardinals team. Try to fathom this: The Lions had minus-18 yards rushing. That's minus, as in less than zero, as in going backward. Against the &?$!*#@ Cardinals!

Philadelphia 33, Washington 25: Okay, it needs to be acknowledged that the Eagles are just as maddening as the Broncos. How can one team, in one half of a season, fly for 56 against the Lions and then get sacked 12 times the next week while scoring 3 against the Giants? And that looks downright predictable compared to this bizarre 5 week run for Philly: 0-2 at home, 3-0 on the road. Yeah, THAT makes sense.

Cincinnati 21, Baltimore 7: So maybe that season-opening win over the Ravens should have been considered here. But it was the opener, and it was at home. Not that Baltimore's been all that impressive, but the Bengals have been downright awful—the only win they've gotten since that game 9 weeks ago was over the even more awful Jets. Not to mention that given how bad the Cincinnati defense has been all season, this had to be the week the Raven's anemic offense would come to life, right? Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

San Diego 23, Indianapolis 21: Of COURSE the Potato should have seen Peyton Manning's 6 interceptions coming—who didn't? So what if he'd never thrown more than 4 in a game. Oh, yeah, and the Chargers getting TDs off of kickoff AND punt returns—shoulda seen that coming, too. What's next, Alex Smith throwing touchdown passes?

At least the Pats are returning to action this week and restoring order to what was a temporarily nonsensical football landscape. Well, nonsensical to everyone but the AWOL Mr. McLinn, that is.

And the Winners and Losers Are...

Couch Potato knows it's so common to use a column to declare mid-season award winners, but no one out there is pickin' winners like these. Call this CP's bent little look at who's made the most powerful statements of the year's first half. Or non-statements. Whatever. We'll just list them in pairs to highlight the contrasts...

Sheepish Domination Award: Tom Brady--In last week's post-game press conference, the Golden Boy let loose with this cutting edge piece of gamesmanship: "None of this matters. All that matters is January." Just once, CP would love to hear Brady say, "The thing about beating the Colts is, you beat 'em once, and an hour later you want to beat 'em again."
Lots of Sound, Little Fury Award: Chad Johnson--All that bravado, with the Hall of Fame jacket and the Dog Pound leap, and all Chad Johnson has to show for it all is 3 measly touchdowns, a neck stinger, and a 2-6 team in disarray? To make matters worse, T.O. not only has regained the respect of the fans, but his videogate TD routine was considered the wittiest end zone celebration of the year. Oh, the indignity, Chad!

Cheaters Do Prosper Award: Bill Belichick--Does the Potato really need to explain this? He thought not.
Old, Irrelevant Whiner Award: Don Shula--Has the annual ritual of the '72 Dolphins cracking open that lame bottle of champagne become this important? Shula may be intensely respected, but his comment that if the Pats go undefeated their season should be marked as an asterisk still comes off as sour grapes.
(Honorable mention) Young, Irrelevent Whistle Blower Award: Eric Mangini--The only thing worse than a cheater is the tattletale who rats on the cheater. And the only thing worse than that is a tattletale whose team is 1-8.

Sending Linebackers to Psychotherapy Award: Adrian Peterson--Peterson is making defenders look dumber than anyone this side of Barry Sanders. Note to Green Bay defensive backs this week: When LaDainian Tomlinson says he's never seen anything like it (about Peterson's 296 yards last week), it's way past time to start worrying.
Sending Linebackers to the Bank Award: Shaun Alexander--Some pretty mediocre run-stuffers have looked pretty darned good stopping the suddenly glacial Alexander this season. Think those clips of NFL no-names wrapping up Alexander 7 yards behind the line of scrimmage might help in negotiating some sizable raises?

Blame Skirter of the Year Award: Donovan McNabb--Listening to him lately brings to mind Karl Marx. I half expect him to say, "It is my teammates, not me, who own the means of production."
Pinch Me In Case I'm Dreaming Award: Derek Anderson--If Marx were alive to watch Anderson's amazing rise from obscurity, he'd suggest taking some of that success and sharing it with the QB masses. Of course, McNabb would have to be last in line.
(Honorable mention) Screw Karl Marx Award: Tony Romo--After signing his big contract extension last week, and with starlets lined up around the block, Romo's message to the famed ideologist would be simple: I'm not sharing with anyone! (And really, who could blame him?)

At Least I'm Not Michael Vick Award: Andy Reid--Amid his nightmarish family crisis, Reid can look in the mirror and say, with supreme confidence, "at least I haven't killed any dogs!"
At Least I'm Not Andy Reid Award: Michael Vick--Amid his reprehensible dog-fighting fiasco, Vick can look in the mirror and say, with supreme confidence, "at least I don't have teenage sons turning my house into a drug-dealing parlor!"

Moving on, last week's winner, Aaron Cole, may not have anything to say about these awards, but after going 12-2 last week, he deserves a listen...so without further adieu, Meet This Week's Expert!

CP: Tell us something about yourself—where do you live? Who are you?
AC: I'm a new import to the US. Born and bred Aussie from Sydney who moved to Boston a year ago. So this is my first full year of the Football season and an easy time to start supporting the PATS! Its a very different game than Aussie Rules (Where, incidently, my team has been at the bottom of the ladder for too many years!).

CP: One of the folks you nipped in the tiebreaker this week was the Couch Potato’s brother, Greg Kontzer. How does it feel to take food from the mouths of the Potato’s family?
AC: I see there are a few Kontzers in the competition. How does it feel to all be beaten by a novice?!? HAH?

CP: If you were a New England Patriot, how would you react to Don Shula saying their season deserves an asterisk?
AC: Being new to the country, my first thought was, "Don who? Sour Grapes." Then I saw an article during the week nominating the current Dolphins for "best impersonation of an NFL Team."

CP: Tell our readers why the Colts would or would not have beaten the Pats had Marvin Harrison played.
AC: It would have been a different game, we'll know the answer in January. Here's a question back at you, would the Pats have been in the Super Bowl last year if Rodney Harrison and Junior Seau had played in the AFC title game? As they say, "If ifs and ans were pots and pans there would be no need for tinkers." Pats won.

CP: How much of a raise would your boss have to offer you to get you to work every Sunday during football season?
AC: Payment would need to be in Cases of Beer. Hmm, not sure how productive I'd be on Sunday, though.

CP: How do you compensate for that empty feeling all of us football fans have on the idle Sunday the week before the Super Bowl?
AC: You'd have to be doing work around the house, seriously, how else are you going to get the entire weekend off to watch the Super Bowl.

CP: Can you share one embarrassing memory from your childhood?
AC: No, it'd also take a case of Sam Adams before I start revealing embarrasing moments.

CP: In the line from Fiddler on the Roof, “all day long I’d biddy biddy bum, if I were a wealthy man!”—what the heck does biddy biddy bum mean?
AC: You got me there, I just looked at the rest of the lyrics. Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum. Sounds like the gibberish that comes from Mangini.

CP: What reading material do you have on your nightstand? And if you don’t read in bed, what reading material do you have in the bathroom? (Because we all know every man reads in there.)
AC: Sports Illustrated. Being bred in the Land Down Under, we're mad sports fans. I can't wait for each new SI edition to arrive in the mail. Hang-on, hasn't the last few editions featured the Celtics, Redsox and Patriots? Its a good time to be living in Boston.

CP: Give us one solid upset pick for the coming week, and why.
AC: Minnesota. C'mon, who can bet against Peterson?

Not the Potato, who had the misfortune of facing Peterson in his fantasy league last week, of all weeks. Oh, the indignity, Chad!