From Arrests to Suicide: Just Another Week in the NFL

Imagine the odds you could have gotten in Vegas had you bet that in one week, the NFL would be crowning Brett Favre as NFC offensive player of the week, yet another Cincinnati Bengal would get arrested for DUI as a teammate puked out the window, AND the latest chapter in the T.O. saga would involve reports of a suicidal overdose of painkillers? Does this mean that maybe, this is the season that Al Davis finally gives in and has a sex change operation? Just thinking out loud here...

On to this week's fascinating assortment of matchups...

ARIZONA (1-2) at ATLANTA (2-1)
Kurt Warner is reportedly returning to his earlier Bible-thumping days, holding locker-room prayer vigils in the hopes of keeping his spot on the field amid an endless string of fumbles and interceptions. Meanwhile, the latest "This is the year" for the Cardinals appears to be quickly regressing into yet another case of "This was supposed to the year, but there's always 2007."

DALLAS (1-1) at TENNESSEE (0-3)
How bad is Tennessee? Bad enough that most of the attention the Titans have been getting centers around the trade of its THIRD-STRING QB. Meanwhile, thanks to the T.O. ordeal, Bill Parcells' ulcers have spread beyond Dallas and are now threatening San Antonio.

INDIANAPOLIS (3-0) at NY JETS (2-1)
Peyton Manning completed less than 50% of his passes last week against Jacksonville, which makes the Couch Potato think he'll probably break the single-game yardage and TD records against his former division rivals. Meanwhile, the Jets have been doing it with mirrors the past two weeks, and Manning will probably break those, too.

MIAMI (1-2) at HOUSTON (0-3)
Sooner or later, Houston has to win a game or two, and the unfolding disaster that is the Dolphins may be just the victim David Carr has been desperate for. Wasn't Miami a fashionable pre-season Super Bowl favorite before the post-injury Daute Culpepperwas found out to be just a closet Jay Fiedler?

MINNESOTA (2-1) at BUFFALO (1-2)
Picking the Vikings to win on the road, especially in a place as tough as Rich Stadium, is like rooting for Elmer Fudd to catch Bugs Bunny.

NEW ORLEANS (3-0) at CAROLINA (1-2)
Just as Houston must win, New Orleans must lose, and there's nothing like a critical division game on the road to bring a team down to earth. Besides, the Saints' whole Katrina recovery theme is subject to the law of diminishing returns. This week, the returns start to diminish.

SAN DIEGO (2-0) at BALTIMORE (3-0)
This looks to me like one of those games when the wily old veteran (Steve McNair) teaches the brash youngster (Philip Rivers) a lesson. Never mind that the Ravens once again appear to have the league's most sufficating defense. With LaDanian Tomlinson finding the running lanes a lot more clogged than usual, I expect Rivers to look like a 4th-grade flag footballer by the third quarter.

SAN FRANCISCO (1-2) at KANSAS CITY (0-2)
Word has it KC may open the playbook a bit from last week so second-string QB Damon Huard can make some plays. I hear they may even allow him to throw a screen pass. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I can't see the Chiefs' defense having any success shutting down Alex Smith, Antonio Bryant and Frank Gore.

DETROIT (0-3) at ST. LOUIS (2-1)
Having been burned by brash back-to-back victory guarantees, Lions WR Roy Williams has changed his tactics, instead promising that the Lions would, in fact, go out for some authentic barbecue while visiting St. Louis.

CLEVELAND (0-3) at OAKLAND (0-2)
If anyone out there has any theories as to why 60,000 people would be willing to pay to see this game (last year's matchup of these teams drew just north of 40,000 in Oakland), please feel free to explain it to the rest of us. And no, the answer "they're Raiders fans," while certainly bringing their sanity into question, isn't good enough.

JACKSONVILLE (2-1) at WASHINGTON (1-2)
Mark Brunell could complete 39 passes in a row this week, and it still won't matter. Jacksonville is simply the far superior team here. Then again, if Clinton Portis dresses up as Earnest Byner, maybe, just maybe, the Jaguars' defense will soften.

NEW ENGLAND (2-1) at CINCINNATI (3-0)
Every once in a while, your beloved Couch Potato has to turn his back on his Patriots for the sake of the almighty dollar. This is just such a week. The Pats looked listless against Denver at home, while Cincy spanked the Steelers in Pittsburgh. But if the unlikely happens and the two Johnsons--Rudy and Chad--join the fast-growing ranks of Bengals who've been booked by Cincinnati police of this season, then all bets are off.

SEATTLE (3-0) at CHICAGO (3-0)
With Shaun Alexander out, the Bears will absolutely feast on Matt Hasselbeck. Is it possible he could emerge from this game with even less hair? Even if Rex Grossman stops channeling Johnny Unitas, the Bears have too much D to lose this one at home.

GREEN BAY (1-2) at PHILADELPHIA (2-1)
Both teams have legends calling signals. Brett Favre is enjoying a renaissance over the past two games for the Packers, and Donovan McNabb is clearly enjoying his life ATO (after Terrell Owens). Alas, Favre is 8 years older, and McNabb has far superior talent around him. You do the math.

Disappointment Everywhere

Here it is Friday already, and it's tired and I'm late (someone just said that to me in an email recently, and I love it, so I'm stealin' it), but your Couch Potato is so eager to give you information you can use that he's willing to stay up a bit later to provide you with the keen insights you expect of him. (No good reason he didn't give them to you earlier in the week, but we'll save that for another discussion.)

So, pray tell, what doeseth the Potato's crystal ball say?

CAROLINA 0-2 at Tampa Bay 0-2
You'd be hard-pressed to find two more disappointing teams in football. And with two coaches as intense as John Fox and Jon Gruden, that disappointment has no doubt led to some fire-breathing practices of late. But since the two teams' respective confusion cancel each other out, we'll just base our pick on pure football: Tampa stinks.

CHICAGO 2-0 at MINNESOTA 2-0
The Couch Potato surely must have taken a blow to the head recently, as that's the only way to explain this strange memory he has of reading earlier about how Rex Grossman is leading the NFL in passing efficiency. In a similar memory-related incident, the Couch Potato could have sworn that Bucky Dent's fly ball on that October Monday in 1978 landed harmlessly in Jim Rice's glove.

CINCINNATI 2-0 at PITTSBURGH 1-1
That simply was not the Steelers we've all come to know sputtering in the running game last week against Jacksonville. Then again, comparing the Bengals' running D to that of the Jaguars is like debating whether Elmo can beat up Wolverine.

GREEN BAY 0-2 at DETROIT 0-2
No matter how bad Detroit has looked in its first two games--and the Lions have looked REALLY bad--there is no way they lose at home to Brett Favre's traveling retirement tour.

JACKSONVILLE 2-0 at INDIANAPOLIS 2-0
In an effort to keep Peyton Manning from getting happy feet against the Jags' physical defensive line, the Colts coaches obtained a giant mallet with which they plan to bonk Manning on the head the instant he starts dancing too much in the pocket. Manning, ever the student, supported the plan enthusiastically.

NY JETS 1-1 at BUFFALO 1-1
I don't want to say that things were cold when Jets Coach Eric Mangini and his mentor Bill Belichik met at midfield following NY's loss to the Patriots last week, but word has it that Giants Stadium has been experiencing its own mini ice age the past few days. Losing to JP Losman & Co. won't make Mangini feel any warmer.

TENNESSEE 0-2 at MIAMI 0-2
Like the Panthers and Bucs, the Dolphins have been monumentally disappointing. If Daunte Culpepper can't outplay Kerry Collins, Miami Coach Nick Saban may have to up his daily intake of Tums.

WASHINGTON 0-2 at HOUSTON 0-2
The Redskins are yet another huge disappointment, but there's no cure for that quite like the Texans. Every week that Mario Williams registers two tackles and no sacks, the shadow of Reggie Bush looming over Houston grows larger.

BALTIMORE 2-0 at CLEVELAND 0-2
I love to pick a good upset as much as anyone, especially when it's a division game and the underdog is at home. But let's be clear here: The Browns have zero chance of winning this game. Naturally, now that Couch Potato has issued a guarantee, Baltimore will lose its focus in the one game in which Cleveland brings it all together. Such is the risk of this business of football prognostication.

NY GIANTS 1-1 at SEATTLE 2-0
Jay Feeley has been seeing Qwest Field in his nightmares since he botched a game the Giants should have won over the Seahawks last year. To combat visions of his three (three!) late misses that cost the game, Feeley has forced his holder to join him in spending this week sleeping on the Qwest field surface.

PHILADELPHIA 1-1 at SAN FRANCISCO 1-1
The interesting thing about this game is the story line that's not being talked about. These are the two franchises that Terrell Owens ruined. At this point, the Eagles are a bit less ruined than the 49ers, but they're headed in opposite directions, so this could be the last time Donovan McNabb has his way with Alex Smith, Frank Gore and Antonio Bryant.

ST. LOUIS 1-1 at ARIZONA 1-1
Who can figure out the Rams? One week they look very tough against Denver, and the next they appear helpless against the 49ers. On the flip side, Arizona, which was supposed to make a quantum leap this year, looks pretty much like the same old Cardinals. Don't ask me why I'm going with Arizona. Call it a hunch.

DENVER 1-1 at NEW ENGLAND 2-0
With the emergence of the Patriots' running game, these two teams appear to be evenly matched, with one glaring exception. On one side, you've go the dull efficiency of Tom Brady. On the other you've got the similarly economical Jake Plummer, only Plummer throws a lot more interceptions. And there, ladies and gentlemen, is your ball game.

ATLANTA 2-0 at NEW ORLEANS 2-0
Who'd a thunk the Saints would be playing one of the big games of Week 3 this season? Likewise, who'd a thunk Reggie Bush would be spending as much energy eluding NCAA investigators as he does running around NFL defenses?

So Much For the Mighty NFC East

Okay, so your beloved Couch Potato didn't exactly sweep through last week's schedule with the precision I'd hoped. But hey, how many of you did better than 10-6? (Shut up, O'Leary!) I'll admit, I clearly underrated Charlie Batch's capability as a backup and Michael Vick's ability to make the opposition look slow and clueless. On the plus side, I grill a mean ribeye, and I keep a clean house.

Week 1 observation: Were opening losses by the Cowboys, Giants and Redskins an ominous sign that the NFC East is way overrated, or simple coincidence? God, I hope it's the former.

(Quick note to my readers: Any rumors that my column being so late is an effort to throw you off and thus increase my chances of winning the pot are totally erroneous. Besides, how do you even know my picks match my column? Don't underestimate my deviousness.)

On to the schedule (this week I begin marking winners in bold so I don't have to waste my breath telling you the obvious):

BUFFALO (0-1) at MIAMI (0-1)
After dropping a much-hyped opener against the Roethlisberger-less Steelers, the Dolphins reportedly have petitioned the league to let them bring pot-addled RB Ricky Williams back onto the roster because he has just the goods to help them forget Nick Saban's botched calls. Pitching it to the halfback seven yards deep on a key 3rd and 2? Coach, you're in the AFC East now, not the SEC.

CAROLINA (o-1) at MINNESOTA (1-0)
In between winning his starts for the Vikings, 15-year veteran QB Brad Johnson fills his time playing bingo and pinochle at a Minneapolis home for the elderly. Meanwhile, lost in the wreckage of the Panthers' blowout loss to Atlanta (yeah, I had THAT one pegged) was the fact that Carolina averaged 51.5 yards per punt. Now THERE'S a stat that gets the juices flowing!

CLEVELAND (0-1) at CINCINNATI (1-0)
Romeo Crennel's expression while watching Reggie Bush's sparkling debut against the Browns supposedly stacked defense reminded me of watching my gape-mouthed 9-year-old watch Saturday morning cartoons. You're a long way from New England, my friend, and Charlie Frye is NOT Tom Brady.

DETROIT (0-1) at CHICAGO (1-0)
The Bears may have evoked memories of the '86 Super Bowl Shuffle team with their 26-0 dismantling of the Packers, but let's remember that their QB is Rex Grossman, who remains one step removed from a postal route. Meanwhile, the inspirational presence of my father, in town for his 50th (!) high school reunion, nearly spurred the Lions to victory over the Seahawks. Unfortunately, his call to the Couch Potato to declare what a great time he was having at Ford Field proved to be the kiss of death, not that the Lions need much help.

HOUSTON (0-1) at INDIANAPOLIS (1-0)
I'm not saying Peyton Manning may be a bit over-confident heading into this laugher, but I hear he was planning to spend the week re-tiling his bathroom.

NEW ORLEANS (1-0) at GREEN BAY (0-1)
Talk about two franchises headed in different directions. In the South, you've got a rookie savior who's managing to lift the spirits of the Katrina-ravaged region. In the North, you've got Grandpa Moses looking for the Red Sea but finding that he can't even part the waters in his bathtub. Brett Favre, it's time to step aside. Or play for the Raiders.

NY GIANTS (0-1) at PHILADELPHIA (1-0)
Not to sound the alarm in New York, but the Eagles can jump two games up on the G-men with a win this week. If that happens, the media deluge falling upon Eli Manning should mean five minutes of peace for besieged Yankees 3B Alex Rodriguez. Meanwhile, with Terrell Owens gone, Donovan McNabb's therapist suddenly has several openings in her schedule.

OAKLAND (0-1) at BALTIMORE (1-0)
After his shaky Monday night performance, I'm half expecting Aaron Brooks to be offered a recurring role on the CBS series "Lost." And given his sideline expression as the 4th quarter wore on, Art Shell can't be far behind. But then, who would be left for Randy Moss to throw under the proverbial bus?

TAMPA BAY (0-1) at ATLANTA (1-0)
Oddly enough, Jon Gruden's current team looked just as bad as his OLD team (the Raiders) in getting spanked by the Ravens. If a creaky Steve McNair at 33 can make Tampa Bay's defense look porous, what will the Bucs do with an apparently rejuvenated Michael Vick? Well, for starters, they'll lose again.

ARIZONA (0-1) at SEATTLE (1-0)
Okay, people, calm down. It's one thing for the Kurt Warner/Edgerrin James Cardinals to snip the 49ers in a spirited game. It's quite another to go on the road against the defending conference champs, no matter how uninspired the Seahawks looked last week against the Lions. I foresee headlines like "Same Old Cards" in the Arizona papers come Monday.

ST. LOUIS (1-0) at SAN FRANCISCO (0-1)
I know, there's suddenly a buzz around the 49ers--after all, they ONLY lost by a touchdown to the Cardinals last week. It wasn't long ago that this was reason enough to sacrifice the quarterback and ransack the coach's house. Meanwhile, the Rams stuffed Denver and its balanced offense last week. Which explains why Alex Smith was spotted sucking his thumb and calling Mike Nolan "Mommy" at practice this week.

KANSAS CITY (0-1) at DENVER (0-1)
Normally, this game is a tough one to pick, regardless of which city it's played in. But Trent Green's concussion means Damon Huard gets the start. You heard me right, folks, Damon Huard. That's like going out for a ribeye, but having to settle for tuna casserole. Yuck. Even Jake Plummer (who was in week 12 form in the opener) can't blow this one.

NEW ENGLAND (1-0) at NY JETS (1-0)
Let's face it. If I picked these jets to beat the Patriots, I'd have to turn in my Lifelong Pats Fan Card. Besides, when it comes to all this "Pennington is back" crap, let me remind you. He beat the Tennessee Titans, QB'd by a Raiders castoff, Kerry Collins. That's WORSE than kissing your sister.

TENNESSEE (0-1) at SAN DIEGO (1-0)
While I recognize that as good as the Chargers looked last week, they were playing the Raiders, I can't envision the aforementioned Collins being able to do jack squat against Shawne Merriman & Co. That means more of the same for the Chargers--let the bandwagon officially get rolling (that is, until it tips over from the weight of Philip Rivers inevitable sea of interceptions).

WASHINGTON (0-1) at DALLAS (0-1)
So, it looks like of these fashionable pre-season Super Bowl picks will start the season 0-2. If I have to choose a city I'd like to see launching into full panic mode, it would be Dallas, the City Without a Soul. Alas, I don't envision Parcells losing such an important division game at home, and I still think Washinton's offense has about as much firepower as a moped.

PITTSBURGH (1-0) at JACKSONVILLE (1-0)
The Steel City has become so jittery about its young star QB's propensity for bizarre twists, local fans have reassigned neighborhood watch resources into a round-the-clock Big Ben Watch. What they don't know is that backup QB Charlie Batch is the one wreaking the havoc with a little Ben Roethlisberger voodoo doll he keeps by his bed.

Let the aggression reign!

If one more columnist starts an NFL preview piece with "Are you ready for some football?", I'm gonna be forced to beat them over the head with Ben Roethlisberger's appendix. Yes, I'm ready for some football, but I prefer my mayhem with a lot less Hank Williams Jr., or for that matter, Chris Berman.

But I digress. The reason you're here is, I hope, to seek out a different perspective on games. Yes, I'll pick a winner for each contest, yada yada yada. That's the boring part. What I really hope to bring is a single observation or perspective that has eluded your obviously discerning eyes (because hey, if you're reading my ramblings, you're obviously very judicious about what you read).

So let's get to the opening week's games, starting with the Thursday nighter that kicks the whole shebang off:

MIAMI at PITTSBURGH
Clearly, the sudden absence of Big Ben due to his possibly motorcycle crash-induced appendicitis is the big story here. Ah, Charlie Batch. Now THERE'S a QB who instills confidence, eh? Because after all, not long ago, he was the latest (failed) savior of the band of misfits known as the Detroit Lions. And let's face it, if you can't lead the Lions, then by all means, you should be QB'ing the defending Super Bowl Champs. Take the Dolphins, this year's chic Super Bowl pick, to pull off the mild upset here.

ATLANTA at CAROLINA
Along with the rising and setting of the sun, if there's one thing you can count on during an NFL Sunday these days, it's the sight of Michael Vick and his awesome athletic talent, juking defensive linemen, jutting in and out of sack schemes, and, ultimatly, throwing some perfect spiral 17 feet over Alge Crumpler's head. Carolina wins this one easily.

BALTIMORE at TAMPA BAY
I just read that when John Gruden drafted Chris Simms, he told his young QB that together, they'd take over the league. Of course, that was before he had the image of Simms getting drilled by Ray Lewis, causing his deep throw to flutter into the waiting hands of Ed Reed. Baltimore rides Steve McNair's battle-weary torso to a season-opening road win.

BUFFALO at NEW ENGLAND
Okay, so you all know I'm a die-hard Patriots fan. And you also know there's no way I'm picking against Tom Brady, at home, against a team with J.P. Losman calling the signals. Then again, I think my plumber is starting at receiver for the Deion Branch-less Pats this week, so all things are possible.

CINCINNATI at KANSAS CITY
Once the Bengals get back from the police station just in time for kickoff, they'll have to hold off the authorities waiting on the sidelines to arrest the 8 players who committed crimes on the way from the jailhouse to the stadium. Alas, those authorities will be so mesmerized by Chad Johnson's combination of gold-teeth-matching hairstyle and VH-1-worthy end zone antics that Carson Palmer will be able to sneak his deviant teammates out the back door after throwing the winning touchdown pass. And even though he's gone, Dick Vermeil will STILL be crying on the Chiefs' sideline following the game.

DENVER at ST. LOUIS
Well, if this were 1999 or 2000, this one would be a no-brainer. Alas, the Rams are further away from the legacy of Kurt Warner and Marshall Faulk than I am from having a full head of hair. If there's a quality QB who has less impact on the league than Marc Bulger, he's probably next in line for the Raiders' job. On the other side, Mike Shanahan could get 1,000 yards out of Ted Kennedy. Besides, Jake Plummer won't start throwing bushels of interceptions until at least week 12.

NEW ORLEANS at CLEVELAND
I don't know about you, but I wish Reggie Bush had a different last name. How else would we know for sure who's being talked about when we read headlines like "Bush hopes to distract Katrina victims from their plight," or "Bush proving slippery to opponents." That confusion aside, Bush's rookie status won't prevent him from being the X factor against a team as bereft of big-play talent as the Browns.

NY JETS at TENNESSEE
Aside from the curiosity surrounding Vince Young's NFL debut, which I suspect will end with a win, there is exactly one reason to watch this game: To see if soon-to-be-irate new Jets coach Eric Mangini eats one of his own players. My money's on former 49ers sulker Kevan Barlow.

PHILADELPHIA at HOUSTON
All you need to know about the Texans is this: They passed on Reggie Bush with the No. 1 pick, and this week they picked up discarded RB Ron Dayne from the scrap heap to replace injured Dominic Davis. Nice going, guys. If you need a GM, I'm available. Lucky for Donovan McNabb that the Eagles' "season of recovery" begins against the league's worst-run team.

SEATTLE at DETROIT
Ah, the soap opera that is the Lions kicks into gear once again. Will Matt Millen retain his status as Detroit's public enemy No. 1? Can Jon Kitna bring a shred of respectability to the tattered lineage of Lions QBs? How do the Lions succeed with first-round WRs playing every position on the field? While the answers to those questions remain a mystery, I can assure you of one thing: They'll get their helmets handed to them by the Seahawks.

CHICAGO at GREEN BAY
After the Bears' defense finishes demolishing Brett Favre and picking off three of his passes, the Packers' legend will jump into his motorized wheelchair, head back to Shady Acres, and admit that maybe retirement wasn't such a bad idea.

DALLAS at JACKSONVILLE
This is one of the best games on the opening-week schedule, but let's be honest: Who cares about the game? It's all about T.O. and the Big Tuna. I'm half expecting Owens to pants Parcells sometime in the second half--of course, not until he's made a couple of TD catches and declared himself the winner of Dallas' collosal battle of egos despite the Jags coming out on top. At which point I'm hoping Parcells breaks him in half like a wishbone.

SAN FRANCISCO at ARIZONA
Normally this game would merely be a stinker. This year, it's still a stinker, but with some mildly intriguing subplots. For instance, will Alex "Small Hands" Smith be able to hold onto his gatorade during the many stints on the bench following three-and-outs? And will the talented skill (and in some cases aging) quartet of Kurt Warner, Emmitt Smith, Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin--plenty of firepower to vanquish the Niners--be able to overcome an offensive line consisting of Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy and Pluto?

INDIANAPOLIS at NY GIANTS
Oooh, it's the Manning boys squaring off, just like in that new ESPN commercial where they Wet Willie each other through a guided tour. Both are surrounded by enviable talent and have Super Bowl aspirations. Both have finely trained media-friendly personalities. And both enter the season under tremendous pressure to win. But the edge here goes to the one who's seeking revenge for a lifetime of noogies. Enjoy your week on top, Eli.

MINNESOTA at WASHINGTON
In a departure from the usual Xs and Os that mark offensive strategy in the NFL, Joe Gibbs plans to replace his defensive line in favor of a yacht filled with female escorts, knowing all too well that the Vikings can't resist a good boat orgy. And that will leave straight-laced Brad Johnson standing there calling signals to himself, which plays right into the Redskins' hands.

SAN DIEGO at OAKLAND
Picking on the Raiders these days is like poking fun at Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson. But what the hell, let's do it anyway. After all, these are the same Raiders who signed an out-of-football-for-5-years Jeff George, only to cut him days later. The same Raiders who traded Doug Gabriel, pegged to start at WR opposite Randy Moss, to the dreaded Patriots just days before the opener. The same Raiders who've managed to devise an offensive scheme that renders Moss, perhaps the NFL's most dangerous wideout, completely harmless. Then again, without the Raiders, we wouldn't get to watch Al Davis continue his compelling transformation into an old woman. In case you haven't guessed, I'm going with the Chargers.

So, are you ready for some football?