Time for Change

Couch Potato is nothing if not flexible, so this week, we switch up the format. After going 6-7 in Week 8, the Potato feels sheepish about offering perspectives on this week’s games. Frankly, he needs to win one of these things, so enough sharing of picking insight. CP feels like he’s spent $500 on a date and hasn’t even gotten a kiss to show for it.

So, let’s start with a brief quiz to test just how closely you’ve been paying attention to NFL news of late. Everyone loves a multiple choice quiz, right?

-What did San Francisco placekicker Joe Nedney make news for last week?
a) He became the first kicker ever to break his holder’s finger with an errant kick attempt.
b) He offered to take responsibility for Travis Henry’s 9 illegitimate children.
c) He cut off the bottom of coach Mike Nolan’s tied while letting out a “nyuk nyuk!”
d) He snuck in a flip of the bird at 49ers fans while scratching his head on the bench.

-What was the most disgusting moment of last week?
a) Jeff George, several years removed from his last NFL pass, begging a Minneapolis talk radio host to lobby for him to get a spot in the Vikings’ QB corps.
b) Cedric Benson, he of the 3.1 yards-per-carry average, insisting he doesn’t need to run any harder.
c) Jon Kitna dressing up in a skin-colored body suit to either salute or mock the Lions’ coach who went through a Wendy’s drive-through last year in the nude.
d) Too close to call

-Which of the following has been the most likely scenario on a given night in the household of Eagles coach Andy Reid of late?
a) A lively family debate about the Eagles’ struggles this season.
b) A quiet evening of the Reids watching CSI together.
c) A potluck dinner with Reid’s coaching staff holding a game-planning session.
d) A gun being brandished as Reid’s sons protect their dealer’s stash of illicit drugs.

In case you haven’t figured it out, you’re not being graded. The simple truth is that if you didn’t get every one of these right, then you’re probably picking winners based on the color of their uniforms. (And by all means, keep that up!)

Now, before we get to this week’s edition of the popular new feature, Meet This Week’s Expert, Couch Pota simply cannot let the epic war between the Patriots and Colts go without comment. So, here’s what CP sees as 3 of the keys for each team:

Indianapolis
1) If Mike Vrabel lines up at TE when the Pats have the ball near the goal line, try not to join the growing list of idiots who keep leaving him uncovered.
2) Tom Brady hasn’t been hit since about 1979. Fail to get pressure on him at your peril.
3) CP is always amazed at how Randy Moss’s toothpick of a body never seems to get hurt. Someone needs to break him like a twig. It’s hard to catch TD passes when you’re in the ER. (DISCLAIMER: Obviously, as a Pats fan, CP hopes Indy fails miserably on all of these points.)

New England
1) If the Pats are up by 34 points midway through the 4^th quarter, they absolutely should keep trying to score TDs at any cost in an effort to demoralize the Colts. What does everyone want the Pats to do, kick a field goal? Criminy!
2) Joseph Addai, meet Adalius Thomas. Adalius, sick ‘em!
3) Try to remember that when Peyton steps up to the line and does all that shouting, pointing and jumping around, he’s probably bluffing with an 8-3 offuit. Either that, or he forgot to hit the little boys’ room before the game.

Okay, loyal readers, now the moment you’ve been waiting for: Meet David McLinn!

CP: The fact that the Couch Potato could muster no better than a 6-7 record in a week when you and two other players correctly predicted 12 of the 13 winners is highly embarrassing. What is the Potato doing wrong?
DM: I am like the winner of the Indy v. New England game...DOMINANT when it comes to the 2007 football pool. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to beat me, so I don't know what to tell you.

CP: Where were you born, where'd you grow up, and where do you live now?
DM: Born and raised in LA (go Dodgers!)

CP: Is someone foolish enough to be married to you? If so, how did you meet? If not, what kind of personal hygiene program are you on?
DM: Almost married and met at a bar of course.
(Editor’s note: Thank God we didn’t have to hear about the hygiene.)

CP: What's the best lesson your dad ever taught you?
DM: Never talk to strangers.

CP: What's the first playground story that comes to mind if someone asks you about recess?
DM: Beating up other kids.
(Editor’s note 2: Well, well, we are getting a picture of Mr McLinn, are we not?)

CP: What do you think Tony Dungy is thinking this week after watching the Pats embarrass the Redskins last week?
DM: I wish I had Tom Brady instead of Peyton Manning.

CP: If you were going to avail yourself of Matt Slatoff's private detective services, what would you want him to do?
DM: Since Matt and I have been best friends since we were 4 and were college roommates, I would have him mess up the DMV records of everyone I have road rage against.

CP: What was the last home-improvement project you undertook on your own, and how did it turn out?
DM: I have never undertaken a home improvement project on my own. With all the money I keep winning in the football pool, I hire someone else to do it.

CP: Perhaps the most important question: scented or unscented? (Toilet paper, of course.)
DM: Unscented....scented is for losers.

CP: It’s time for the family vacation. Your kids want to go to Disneyworld. Your wife hates everything Disney and wants to go to Hawaii. You'll do anything to avoid throngs of tourists
and instead want to take everyone fly-fishing in the Yukon. What on earth do you do?
DM: I would go to Hawaii because I hate fishing and I don't have any kids (yet).

So Where the Hell IS London Anyway?

Before we get to the Week 8's gripping installment of "Meet This Week's Expert," let's review a couple of the NFL's hottest stories:

-Tom Brady, in case you haven't read this 1400 times this week, now has 27 TD passes, and only 2 INTs, elevating his status in New England to just above Ted Williams and a hair below the Pope. Elsewhere, Broncos RB Travis Henry is dogged by reports of his 9 children with 9 different women, dropping him just below Gary Hart on Colorado's list of most-respected figures.

-Just days before the NFL's first-ever regular season game overseas, Dolphins RB Channing Crowder lets it be known that he couldn't even find London on a map. Yep, that's just the way the league's marketing folks drew it up. Step 1: Schedule game in overseas market. Step 2: Watch helplessly as lummox linebacker insults whole city.

On to this week's picks:

NEW ORLEANS (2-4) AT SAN FRANCISCO (2-4)
If you believed the hoopla in Bay Area papers about 49ers QB Alex Smith's return this week, you'd think it was Joe Montana coming back. Alas, it's closer to Joe Mantegna. Good actor, crappy quarterback.

OAKLAND (2-4) AT TENNESSEE (4-2)
Across the Bay, the hoopla centers around the calls for the Raiders to finally usher in the JeMarcus Russell era. Note to Russell: Your best receiver is Ronald Curry. Stay on the bench.

DETROIT (4-2) AT CHICAGO (3-4)
With a win here, the Bears would officially re-enter the NFC playoff picture. Mark the Couch Potato's words: No one is secretly rooting harder for a Lions win then deposed Chicago QB Rex Grossman.

NY GIANTS (5-2) VS MIAMI (0-7) IN LONDON
Wow, will the English get treated to a helluva game here, what with winless Miami missing Ronnie Brown and Zack Thomas. Tea, anyone?

CLEVELAND (3-3) AT ST. LOUIS (0-7)
The Rams have been so bad that they're underdogs at home to the Browns. Oh, the indignity of it all.

PHILADELPHIA (2-4) AT MINNESOTA (2-4)
If rookie sensation Adrian Peterson doesn't get more than 12 carries for the Vikings this week, coach Brad Childress will be longing for the days of the Fred Smoot Sex Boat scandal.

PITTSBURGH (4-2) AT CINCINNATI (2-4)
You can say this for the horribly disappointing Bengals: At least none of their players were arrested last week.

INDIANAPOLIS (6-0) AT CAROLINA (4-2)
Vinny Testaverde, two weeks removed from mowing his lawn, was an aging QB when Peyton Manning started his career.

BUFFALO (2-4) AT NY JETS (1-6)
Only in New York can a QB, Chad Pennington, throw for 300 yards and 3 TDs and still get blamed for his team's whole season. Then again, that was the saddest, most helpless 300 yards and 3 TDs Couch Potato has ever seen.

HOUSTON (3-4) AT SAN DIEGO (3-3)
The Texans have to feel cursed this week: Not only are they catching the Chargers about 3 weeks too late, but they're up against the support of an entire nation that could very well be looking upon the post-fires Chargers as the new post-Katrina Saints. Granted, the victims are whiter and wealthier this time, but hey, a cause is a cause.

JACKSONVILLE (4-2) AT TAMPA BAY (4-3)
This is the Jaguars' QB depth chart this week: Quinn Gray, Todd Bauman. Might as well be Frank the plumber and Joe Bob the mechanic.

WASHINGTON (4-2) AT NEW ENGLAND (7-0)
At last, the Pats go up against a top-flight NFL defense. And yet they're favored by 16 1/2. This is getting ridiculous.

GREEN BAY (5-1) AT DENVER (3-3)
It's been a nice little run here to start the season for Brett Favre, but even he is backed by a renewed defense, age and lack of a running game have to catch up with the gunslinger someday, don't they?

Meet Steve Sugg!

Well, folks, at long last, our great picker of Week 7 games, Steve Sugg, daned to descend from the heavens and answer a few snarky questions. Rather than having his late-to-the-party responses clutter up this week's column, your beloved Couch Potato thought it made sense to do a mid-week update. So, ladies and gentlemen, meet Steve Sugg:

CP: What was the secret to your 13-1 explosion this week?
SS: I pick more based on coaches. The NFL is the only league where coaching matters so damn much. I could manage the Red Sox and do fine. But Bellichick can run the Patriots better than I. It is safe to bet against: M. Schottenheimer in games that count; Norv Turner anytime and Joe Gibbs against the point spread.

CP: What’s your favorite breakfast?
SS: Humble pie

CP: What thread count are your bed sheets?
SS: You’ll have to ask my maid.

CP: Bar soap or body wash?
SS: Both. If I’ve been running, antibacterial bar soap gets the crevices. But body wash is best before a hot date. It is cheaper than cologne and has the safe effect.

CP: Quiz—What did Don Meredith sing at the end of every Monday Night Football game he broadcast?
SS: “Turn Out The Lights; The Party’s Over” Come on, Couch Potato, make ‘em a little tougher next time.
(Note to SS: Let's not make the younger players feel inferior!)

CP: Your favorite team is playing in the Super Bowl. At the same time, your son/daughter is debuting in the American Children’s Theater production of Fiddler on the Roof. TiVo is down, you have no recordable media in your house, and the stores are all closed. What do you do?
SS: One can always have more kids. The Chiefs—especially with Herm Edwards at the helm—will likely make the playoffs just once more in my lifetime. It is a no brainer. Have the wife record the production. (Actually, my above answer was wrong. I wouldn’t marry a woman who’d let a kid choose a theater production over the Super Bowl when the Chiefs are playing. My kid would don a Damon Huard jersey and the wife and I would make chili and ice down lots of beer. That’d work. One can always fiddle on the roof another day.)

CP: American swill or microbrews?
SS: I went to a downtown bar in a trendy part of DC on SAT to watch college football. My drink: Pabst Blue Ribbon.

CP: Tell us one juicy secret about yourself.
SS: I’m as pure as the driven snow.
(Note to SS: You're also full of $%*#!)

CP: Tell us one juicy secret about someone you know in this pool.
SS: Scott Rowson had a very difficult run in with a Jameson last week. I watched it happen. And I wish I could say it was Jenna.
(Note to SS: Now, now, what was I saying about our younger players?)

CP: Give us your sleeper upset pick for the coming week.
SS: I’ll go out on a limb for next week before the spread even comes out. I’m taking the Patriots over the Redskins.

Can Jimmy Kimmel play backup QB?

Just one week into its run, and the Couch Potato's new Meet This Week's Expert feature meets its first challenge, as last week's champ, Steve Sugg, sadly did not reply to email interview requests. Steve, wherever you are, these are the decisions that kill careers. Ask McLean Stevenson, who left MASH to branch out on his own, or that chick who played Tasha Yar on Star Treck TNG before seeking greener pastures that, unfortunately, were torched before she could find them...

Note to next week's winner (hopefully me): When the Couch Potato comes calling with questions, answer them, or he's pulling out his voodoo doll.

In the meantime, Couch Potato couldn't possibly let the Jimmy Kimmel situation go without comment...for those who weren't aware, Kimmel has been banned from Monday Night Football telecasts after relentlessly picking on Joe Theismann during last week's game, spurring a network exec to call him "classless." What, they were thinking if they brought in the obnoxious Kimmel for a gripping Giants-Falcons broadcast, he was gonna spend his night expressing man-love for Eli Manning?

It's late, and Couch Potato is spent-- so on to this week's games...

BALTIMORE (4-2) AT BUFFALO (1-4)
When last we visited Buffalo, it was the occasion of that wacky Monday Night win over Dallas a couple of weeks ago. Couch Potato will go out on a limb here and venture to guess that if the Bills return a kickoff and two interceptions for touchdowns again, they won't find a way to blow the game. Of course, when Ray Lewis is in town, it's usually the Ravens' D that's doing the intercepting.

TAMPA BAY (4-2) AT DETROIT (3-2)
Don't look now, but Jeff Garcia's at it again. After leading the Eagles to the playoffs last year, Garcia was jettisoned, landed in Tampa, and has helped turn around an expected cellar-dwellar by making smart decisions and not throwing a pick through 5 games. Jeff, keep that up, and you might not have to pack your bags and move this offseason.

TENNESSEE (3-2) AT HOUSTON (3-3)
Never mind Vince Young's quadricep injury. The guy could have been beaten with a pool cue by Tony Soprano, and he'd still suit up to take vengeance on the hometown team that passed him up for Mario Williams. The Texans' improving prospects have helped to take that sting out of that blunder, but the site of Young running into the end zone untouched will bring all the old feelings right back.

NEW ENGLAND (6-0) AT MIAMI (0-6)
Don't be fooled by the records, folks. This is a potential trap game, as always. Two teams that are very familiar with each other, playing in the lesser team's stadium, in a game that couldn't mean less. It's like breaking up with your boy/girlfriend at their place. You go in with the upper hand, and you come out the next morning wondering what happened to your underwear.

SAN FRANCISCO (2-3) AT NY GIANTS (4-2)
Alex Smith--he of the porous line and anemic passing attack--may return to the lineup just in time to find out why the Giants's D-line got to Donovan McNabb 12 times a couple of weeks ago. Couch Potato strongly suggests wrapping Smith's shoulder very tightly.

ATLANTA (1-5) AT NEW ORLEANS (1-4)
Every time Atlanta fans watch Joey Harrington drop back to pass, a disturbing little thought runs through their minds: "Y'know, maybe dog fighting isn't such a big deal after all." Meanwhile, before all the talk of a Saints' revival gets much louder after one good half against Seattle, consider that top WR Marques Colston had 1 catch for all of 2 yards (granted, it was a touchdown, but still). And just like with Katrina, FEMA ain't gonna be any help.

ARIZONA (3-3) AT WASHINGTON (3-2)
Is there a harder-luck team than the Cardinals? They finally appear to be getting their act together, and they lose their top 2 QBs in successive weeks. If Tim Rattay is their starter for any length of time, Matt Leinart may have to do something drastic, like pose for the cover of GQ magazine.

NY JETS (1-5) AT CINCINNATI (1-4)
Anyone notice that the Jets never seem to play as expected? Every season, they either overachieve or underachieve. Of course, their fans aren't saddled with the kind of dashed hopes Bengals' fans are carrying around this year. To be 1-4 with Carson Palmer throwing to Chad Johnson and TJ Houshmansadeh is like having Taco Bell for dinner when there's a sack of lobster tails in the fridge.

KANSAS CITY (3-3) AT OAKLAND (2-3)
That's right, folks, with the Chargers off this week, a win by Kansas City gives the Chiefs sole possession of first place in the AFC West. And in a related story, Dennis Kucinich really does have a shot at the White House.

CHICAGO (2-4) AT PHILADELPHIA (2-3)
Okay, Andy Reid, since no one else seems to get this, let's try saying it really slow: If you want to beat the Bears, do not kick to Devin Hester. And for the love of God, don't ask your players to put on those ridiculous uniforms they wore while beating the Lions a couple of weeks back. Well, unless you want them to ask the cheerleaders to the dance after the game.

MINNESOTA (2-3) AT DALLAS (5-1)
Dallas watched helplessly as Tom Brady picked its secondary apart last week. Now it will watch helplessly as Adrian Peterson runs circles around the Cowboys' front seven. With 3 consecutive games against division opponents to follow, this is not a good time for Dallas to establish a losing streak. TO can pull out that locker-room cancer whenver the mood strikes him.

ST. LOUIS (0-6) AT SEATTLE (3-3)
The Couch Potato takes great comfort from life's inevitabilities--that the sun will rise in the morning, taxes will be due April 15, that New Year's resolutions will be abandoned in 5 minutes, and that the Seahawks will continue their annual march toward 9-7.

PITTSBURGH (4-1) AT DENVER (2-3)
All the bye-week rest in the world isn't going to plug up Denver's porous run defense, and in case no one's noticed, that's not the best problem to have when the Steelers are coming to town. Then again, picking on the Broncos may be a bit unfair when one considers the brutal 5-game stretch they're in the midst of (and they're 0-3 thus far): Jacksonville, at Indianapolis, San Diego, Pittsburgh, Green Bay.

INDIANAPOLIS (5-0) AT JACKSONVILLE (4-1)
With the Cowboys left mangled by the Pats, the Colts have an opportunity to send an equally strong message against a key division rival. Of course, Maurice Jones-Drew running up and down the field might put a little damper on those plans.

Going Where No Couch Potato Has Gone Before

Couch Potato knows that when someone emerges from the field to correctly predict 13 of 14 games, taking the pot without so much as a Monday Night wimper from anyone, there's something to be learned. Hell, if you're willing to read CP's ramblings in the hope for some shred of insight, why not go straight to a more au courant source?

So, without further delay, the Couch Potato Report brings you a new recurring feature (meaning CP can use it, or not use it, whenever he damn well pleases!), Meet This Week's Expert. So, ladies, and gentleman, behold Robert Michelson (all questions and responses exchanged via email)...

CP: What's the secret to your success? Well, this week's anyway.
RM: Due to a busy schedule, I had my assistant e-mail my choices on Friday. I just went down the list and spent very little time agonizing over what I thought would be the close games. It took less than a minute.

CP: What do you predict your record will be this week?
RM: 10 wins, 3 losses

CP: What's your favorite team?
RM: The Jints. I'm from NYC.

CP: What do you like to eat for lunch?
RM: Tuna sandwich on wheat bread, no mayo, at the San Benito House in Half Moon Bay. I live in HMB. A half sandwich will suffice as they're quite large.

CP: How did you feel when Mike Ditka had William "The Regrigerator" Perry run the ball in from the 1 instead of Walter Payton in the third quarter of the Super Bowl XX blowout over the Patriots?
RM: That's a loaded question. The Bears used him in short yardage situations. It was a smart way to take advantage of his size and mobility. (EDITOR'S NOTE: AS A PATS FAN, CP IS EXTREMELY DISAPPOINTED IN THIS ANSWER!)

CP: What's your favorite football movie?
RM: I'm not a movie buff, I go to rock concerts, so I'll go with Friday Night Lights.

CP: Johnny Unitas or Joe Montana?
RM: Johnny U. I'm old enough to remember the Baltimore Colts with Lenny Moore and Johnny Sample. They also had a great defense.

CP: Halle Berry or Scarlett Johansson?
RM: Halle Berry.

CP: Batman or Superman?
RM: Batman.

CP: Can you give us a sleeper upset for the coming week?
RM: I like the Jets to rebound this week and beat the Eagles. I'm not sure it's an upset but this one could go either way.

Okay, folks, enough from Robert. Just remember, if he wins again, CP will be compelled to do a follow-up interview. So let's see a new voice rise from the pack! (Like CP's, perhaps?)

On to this week's slate of games...


ST. LOUIS (0-5) AT BALTIMORE (3-2)
How Baltimore managed to get the 49ers, Rams and Bills in consecutive weeks is a mystery (although the Rams are, admittedly, a pretty huge disappointment). The only team missing from the Ravens' schedule is Appalachian State. (Or Stanford?)

MINNESOTA (1-3) AT CHICAGO (2-3)
So far this season, the Vikings have proven they can do one--and only one--thing very well, and that's stop the run. Given that Bears QB Brian Griese has 4 picks and has been sacked 8 times in two starts since replacing Rex Grossman, expect this one to be a low-scoring affair. That is, unless Griese falters, and Lovie Smith caves under the constant sound of Rex repeating, "Please, Coach, can I get back in? Huh? Can I?" In which case, expect an even LOWER scoring affair.

MIAMI (0-5) AT CLEVELAND (2-3)
The fact that Miami has managed to go 0-5 despite a superhuman effort from Ronnie Brown speaks to just how putrid the Dolphins are. (Where was he when the Fish actually had a chance at the playoffs in recent seasons!?) Now, to make matters worse, concussed QB Trent Green has been replaced by someone named Cleo Lemon. God help Dolphins fans everywhere.

WASHINTON (3-1) AT GREEN BAY (4-1)
The way the Redskins are playing defense, Brett Favre better hope the Packers pitiful running game picks up this week, lest Washington's front 7 gets repeated pressure on the old man. Otherwise, Favre better have completed his medicare registration.

HOUSTON (3-2) AT JACKSONVILLE (3-1)
Coming off a career game in which he kicked 5 FGs, including 3 over 50 yards, Kris Brown has let it be known that if the Texans get inside the 33 yard line, he will refuse to attempt any kicks. "Kicking 'em less than 50 is simply beneath me," Brown was overheard saying.

CINCINNATI (1-3) AT KANSAS CITY (2-3)
This matchup couldn't come at a better time for Larry Johnson, who has a confounding 275 yards this season on just 3.3 yards a carry. Conversely, Couch Potato's 8th grade English teacher could run through the Bengals' D.

PHILADELPHIA (1-3) AT NY JETS (1-4)
In the past two games, Donovan McNabb has had a 300-yard, 4-TD half en route to a huge day against Detroit, followed by barely breaking 100 yards while being sacked 12 times in a drubbing at the hands of the NY Giants. Donovan, there is pychoactive medication available that might help.

TENNESSEE (3-1) AT TAMPA BAY (3-2)
Vince Young is due for a breakout game; the Titans are 13-1 against the NFC South and have won 5 straight road games; and Tampa Bay is without Carnell Williams or Michael Pittman, leaving Jeff Garcia to carry the team. These are what we in the column-writing business call "key indicators." Ignore them at your own peril.

CAROLINA (3-2) AT ARIZONA (3-2)
I'd say it'll be weird seeing David Carr going against Kurt Warner, but I realize it's weird seeing David Carr play QB anywhere. All over the mid-Atlantic region, Panthers fans are hoping Carr's back injury worsens so they can watch Vinny Testaverde gum the defense to death.

NEW ENGLAND (5-0) AT DALLAS (5-0)
You have to love TO's approach with the media this week, leaving a note for reporters that he's reserving comment on the anticipated matchup between "the original 81 and the other 81" until after the game. Then again, calling Randy Moss "the other 81" may not prove to be the most effective strategy.

OAKLAND (2-2) AT SAN DIEGO (2-3)
One impressive win by the Chargers was all it took to quiet the calls for Marty Schottenheimer among the Chargers' faithful. But if the Bolts fall this week at home to the Raiders, San Diego fans intend to get really cruel and start chanting for Ryan Leaf.

NEW ORLEANS (0-4) AT SEATTLE (3-2)
This is the beautfy of being a Saints fan: After a magical year in 2006, falling back into the NFL basement is no big deal when you know Bourbon Street is nearby. It's nothing a drunken stuper can't alleviate.

NY GIANTS (3-2) AT ATLANTA (1-4)
Michael Strahan, sensing that the Giants have been without any turmoil for nearly 20 minutes, has released his tell-all book, "Inside the Helmet: Life as a Sunday Afternoon Warrior." Word is that it doesn't rip into anyone enough to cause problems, but the Giants have a way of taking everything personally. And then losing 4 straight games.

It's the Football Nazi: No More Picks For You!

Given that this week's column is being written late on Saturday night, Couch Potato will dispense with the usual frivolity and will jump straight into the burning question that's dominating the pool airwaves. No, not how your beloved CP could possibly go 6-8 last week. We're talking of those of you who are no doubt wondering why someone would offer up his picks publicly each week, thus giving you, his opponents, a strategic advantage.

Well, Couch Potato's brother talked some sense into him, and effective immediately, this column will no longer offer picks of next's week's games. If you're going to beat the Couch Potato, you're going to have to beat him fair and square.

Besides, Couch Potato hasn't won a danged thing in this pool for like 3 years, so drastic steps were called for!

MIAMI AT HOUSTON
That air you hear is coming from the tires of the Texans' over-crowded bandwagon. Would someone please get out and refill those puppies so we can get back on our way? (Paging Matt Schaub, Andre Davis and Mario Williams!)

JACKSONVILLE AT KANSAS CITY
Larry Johnson is putting up jack squat, and JaMarcus Russell has just started learning the feel of an NFL clipboard, yet the Chiefs and Raiders are tied with the Broncos for first place in the AFC West. In an unrelated developoment, it turns out the tooth fairy really does exist.

CLEVELAND AT NEW ENGLAND
We've all heard the disgusting, heart-warming stories about athletes achieving redemption on the field for life's mistakes off of it. But forgive the Couch Potato if he isn't feeling all warm and fuzzy about the squishy Randy-Moss-finds-happiness-at-last story permeating coverage of the Patriots. So long as he catches a lot of touchdowns, Couch Potato doesn't care if Randy Moss is happy--gotta admit, though, he and Brady sure make a right purty couple.

CAROLINA AT NEW ORLEANS
Sensing a potential opportunity to make up for his bungling of the post-Katrina response, President Bush has key FEMA officials ready and waiting to declare Drew Brees (terrible), Deuce McAllister (hurt) and the New Orleans Saints (0-3) a national disaster.

NY JETS AT NY GIANTS
Every time I look at this matchup, I think of that commercial where the hot babe in the Giants shirt is standing at her front door, welcoming her Giants-paraphernalia-clad friends, who apparently are arriving to watch the game. Then a Jets fan walks in, and hostility suddenly fills the air. If only either of these teams played with such passion.

SEATTLE AT PITTSBURGH
Having beaten San Francisco and lost to Arizona, the Steelers continue to play a big role in the NFC West race. Now, a week after getting pushed around by the Cardinals, Ben Roethlisberger & Co. hope to do their part to push the Seahawks closer to their inevitable 9-7 season.

ARIZONA AT ST. LOUIS
A year ago, the Couch Potato trashed the Cardinals for being late in figuring out that Kurt Warner's career is over. Now, here he is, platooning, and playing much more effectively than crybaby movie-star-wannabe Matt Leinart. This is what is known in the column-writing business as an "oopsie." Meanwhile, this season's first Potato foray into fantasy was built around Marc Bulger and Torry Holt, so you can pretty much guess how that's going.

ATLANTA AT TENNESSEE
The Michael Vick legacy lives on. The Falcons win a game they shouldn't against the Texans, and all anyone is talking about is Vick agreeing to become a spokesman for PETA. Yeah, now THERE'S a match made in heaven. That's like putting Bill Belichick in charge of an ethics committee.

DETROIT AT WASHINGTON
Lions WR Roy Williams, under fire for revealing he's a cheapskate who doesn't believe in tipping, has promised to start leaving gratuities for waiters. That should prove to be lucrative for the Redskins' defensive backs, who figure to be serving up lots of delicious space to Williams.

TAMPA BAY AT INDIANAPOLIS
Indianapolis has to be the quietest 4-0 team in recent history, and given what he's been living through the past couple of years, Colts' Coach Tony Dungy must be thankful for that respite. Well, that and the play of Dallas Clark, who has four TD catches to Marvin Harrison's one.

SAN DIEGO AT DENVER
If the Chargers lose this one, Couch Potato thinks it's possible that LT may just cry at the postgame podium. Don't worry, LaDainian--every fantasy player who drafted first is already crying for you. Well, maybe AT you.

BALTIMORE AT SAN FRANCISCO
Knowing what a smart QB Trent Dilfer is, Couch Potato so wants him to pull a Longest Yard, and just drop back and launch a bullet into Ray Lewis' groin. At the least, it would improve the 49ers' chances. At best, it could provide a moment of joy for legions of Cleveland Browns fans. (For those who've forgotten, the Ravens exist because longtime Browns owner Art Modell skipped town with the team and moved to Baltimore. Today's Browns are a different franchise--same bad luck, different people.)

GREEN BAY AT CHICAGO
Couch Potato could swear he saw Rex Grossman on the sideline last week pumping his fist in celebration each time a Brian Griese pass was intercepted. (That would be three fistpumps for those of you keeping score at home.) Wait until he finds out the team is trying to coax Jim McMahon out of retirment.

DALLAS AT BUFFALO
How on Earth is it possible we've heard this little from T.O. this season? He's not the runaway star of his team (That role now belongs to Tony Romo, while T.O. plays second fiddle along with Marion Barber and Jason Witten), Randy Moss and Chad Johnson are the receivers of the moment, and his buddy Donovan McNabb has been all over the sports page. Something tells Couch Potato a T.O. outburst (for good or for bad) is imminent. And wouldn't a Monday night game in a hostile stadium against an inferior opponent be the perfect setting?