Back with a Bang

Couch Potato deserves a little more respect than he's getting after splitting the pot following his first column in four years. But nooooo...first, he doesn't even get contacted by the erstwhile Mike Rowson for the weekly interview the latter has taken ownership of. Then he gets an email from Mike Krey Friday alerting him to the fact that this column was not yet posted, with the comment, "Reports of C.P.'s resurrection were overstated, it would seem ...?"

Oh, these are sad times indeed when people would willingly poke at columnists for missing deadlines that haven't even arrived yet. Because if memory serves, there aren't any games until Sunday. And yet here's this week's post, ready for viewing in the wee hours of Saturday morning. Listen, Krey, it's not my fault you're living in 1997 and only get on the computer at the office.

Couch Potato will admit to being later than hoped with this week's edition, and while he'd love to blame it on a busy work week, he can't, so he'll take the low road and pin it all on the toddler, whom he's been caring for constantly since mid-day Wednesday.

Now, before we get to some football, Couch Potato first would like to delve into a topic near and dear to him: Himself. Since he didn't have time to send his co-winner, Chris, a list of questions (Rowson, you're fallin' down on the job!), you'll have to settle for getting to know half of this week's winning tandem:

Couch Potato Report: Why on Earth are you a Patriots fan?
Couch Potato: My hometown team was the Rams, which was enough to send any football fan scurrying for a team. But then I saw Steve Grogan start at quarterback for the Pats while wearing a neck brace. A year later, when I was 13, while on a trip back east with my family, I made the then-biggest purchase of my life: a leather Steve Grogan-autographed football.

CPR: Proudest moment as a player in this pool?
CP: When my son, then 11, won the playoff pot and walked off with $325.

CPR: Favorite restaurant?
CP: Hands down, Gregoire in Berkeley, CA, about 8 minutes from my house. Delicious gourmet to-go fare, at a very reasonable price. I've ordered there at least 8-10 times for visiting friends and family, and not once has a single person thought their dinner was anything less than wonderful. Best part: I discovered it the night my younger son, Max, was born. The new mom sent me out for any alternative to hospital food, and I ended up stumbling upon Gregoire and bringing her scallops in puff pastry. I had rack of lamb. It was a memorable meal, to be sure.

CPR: What do you do when not hiding behind your Couch Potato persona?
CP: Write business-technology content for publications and corporations, dream of making a living as the Couch Potato, work on home improvement projects, play saxophone/percussion/guitar, and make sarcastic comments whenever possible.

CPR: Super Bowl pick?
CP: Are you kidding? Pats, of course. How could I be a true fan and not think that after watching Brady's first two games? I'm certainly not picking the freakin' Jets. I see the Pats playing either the Packers or Saints. Just can't see the Falcons getting there--yet.

CPR: Mental illness or narcotic addiction?
CP: That's a tough choice.

Alright, enough of that. Time for some analysis of this week's games:

Houston at New Orleans
Hard not to get worked up for a game like this, which figures to be a ping-pong match featuring two explosive aerial offenses. And to think, a few short years ago this match-up would have brought us David Carr vs. Aaron Brooks. Thank goodness for small favors.

NY Giants at Philadelphia
How ironic that the Eagles found themselves being quarterbacked by a guy named Kafka Monday night, because if Michael Vick can't play, this team will undergo a metamorphosis, and it won't be pretty.

Jacksonville at Carolina
Two games into the Cam Newton Era, and the amazing rookie already has his first quarterbacking mismatch. Luke McCown doesn't even belong on the same planet as Newton. [UPDATE: I'm a nimrod for not being aware at the time of my original post that fellow Mizzou alum Blaine Gabbert would be starting behind center for the Jags.]

New England at Buffalo
If the first two weeks were any indication, these teams could combine to score 100 points. But lets face it--no matter how well the Bills play, in a close game in the fourth quarter, who are you taking: Tom Brady or Ryan Fitzpatrick? Yeah, I thought so. [UPDATE: Whoops!]

Miami at Cleveland
Will anyone even remember Chad Henne's 400-yard opener? Methinks the 12-for-30, 170-yard stinker he put up last week is a more accurate gauge of his abilities.

San Francisco at Cincinnati
The thought of Alex Smith and Cedric Benson exchanging bad passes and slow-motion runs makes this game the most unwatchable of the week. Frank Gore and Andy Dalton almost make it watchable. Almost.

Denver at Tennessee
The Titans' total domination of Baltimore last Sunday--with a big game from the ageless Matt Hasselbeck and absolutely nothing from Chris Johnson--came one week after getting beat by a Jacksonville team being quarterbacked by Luke McCown. That, ladies and gentlemen, sums up the vagaries of football pools better than anything the Couch Potato could possibly write.

Detroit at Minnesota
One of these teams is a disaster crumbling around a great running back, and no, we're not talking about the Lions circa 1996. AP deserves better. Meanwhile, it's pretty clear the Lions will live up to the hype if Stafford stays healthy.

Baltimore at St. Louis
The question everyone in Baltimore wants to know: Who are the real Ravens? The team that manhandled the Steelers on opening day, or the one that was embarrassed by an anemic Tennessee team that got only 53 yards out of Chris Johnson? It says here we only really find out if Steven Jackson can go for the Rams.

NY Jets at Oakland
Rex Ryan brings his blustery showmanship to the Black Hole, where the events in the stands are a lot scarier than anything the Raiders muster up on the field. That said, Oakland's offense is vastly improved and will prove an apt test for the Jets' D.

Kansas City at San Diego
Where's all that talk about how the Patriots should have traded Brady and kept Matt Cassel now? It may be too early to give up on Cassel, but it's definitely not to early to wonder if he's got what it takes to win.

Arizona at Seattle
I don't know what's the ugliest thing facing Pete Carroll right now: That he's reportedly having strife with the Seahawks' front office; that he's still committed to Tarvaris Jackson despite the fact that he rest of the Western Hemisphere knows he's awful; or that this team could easily match the Detroit Lions' winless 2006 campaign.

Atlanta at Tampa Bay
With the Michael Vick visit having been dealt with ceremoniously (see Kafka reference above), the Falcons can get back to the business of underachieving on the road.

Green Bay at Chicago
After a decent opener, Jay Cutler was 19-for-45 last week against the Saints. That ain't gonna get it done against Drew Brees' precision attack. Is this going to be the season Cutler rises above it all, or will he play down to the lack of expectations as usual. If I was a Bears' fan, I'd be sick of the drama, frankly.

Pittsburgh at Indianapolis
The greatness of Peyton Manning will become more evident with each passing week watching Kerry Collins reduce Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark to footnotes. Getting a Steelers team that will be out to prove their Week 1 blowout loss to the Ravens was a fluke is a stroke of bad luck.

MONDAY
Washington at Dallas
Only two games into the Redskins' Rex Grossman experiment, and this is how surprising he's been: fans are starting to peek through their fingers and actually allow themselves to see the action. Conversely, it's impossible to look away when Tony Romo's playing--sort of like when you pass a pileup on the other side of the freeway.

The Return of The Couch Potato

You've asked for it, and now you're gonna read it whether you like it or not. After a nearly four-year hiatus, I'm bringing the Couch Potato Report back to life. When last I wrote about the NFL, the Patriots were wrapping up a 16-0 regular season that would end in bitter disappointment; I had not yet met Sarah, the fulcrum of my life today and mother of my second child; George W. Bush was still, gulp, President; most of us had never heard of Facebook; Modern Family didn't exist; and Osama Bin Laden was still alive.

In terms of football, the landscape has similarly changed. Back in 2007, Randy Moss was still relevant. Michael Vick had just started his prison sentence. No one--and I mean NO ONE--knew who David Tyree was. Plaxico Burress' had managed not to shoot himself yet. LT was still the best player in the league. Ben Roethlisberger wasn't a twice-accused sex offender. The New Orleans Saints and Arizona Cardinals still hadn't been to a Super Bowl. Alex Smith was...oh, wait, some things never change.

But enough of this trip down memory lane...let's remember why we're all gathered her today: To think about football. We've all got picks to make, and surely, some of you can use the keen insight that the CPR can bestow upon you--or not. After all, I haven't won jack the last few years. Like I'm gonna let a little thing like total cluelessness stop me from spouting opinions.

Before I move on to the Week 2 schedule, a quick plea: If you like what you're reading here, make sure to say so by commenting, becoming a follower, telling your friends/family about this awesome football blogger you read--whatever it takes to make me look good.

Now, on to the games (and if you don't know what the numbers in parentheses are, don't wait for an explanation; if you haven't learned yet, I'm not about to enlighten you):

Kansas City at Detroit (-8 1/2): After 41-7 pasting at home at the hands of the Bills, Chiefs seriously considering bringing back Steve DeBerg. Now they go on the road to face the up-and-coming Lions. Of course, the fragile Matthew Stafford could be on a stretcher by the second quarter, in which case all bets are off.

Oakland at Buffalo (-3): Get this--if Oakland wants to win this game, it has to keep Ryan Fitzpatrick in check. Bet you didn't see THAT one coming.

Tampa Bay at Minnesota (-3): Donovan McNabb threw for 39 yards in Week 1. 39 yards! I've spit cherry pits that far. Suddenly, Tarvaris Jackson looks mighty good in comparison, eh, Vikings fans? Go with the underdog here.

Chicago at New Orleans (-7): New Orleans needs a win after epic loss to Green Bay, while Chicago is coming off an unexpected upset of Atlanta. If that doesn't convince you, maybe this will: Drew Brees vs. Jay Cutler. 'Nuff said.

Baltimore (-6) at Tennessee: Baltimore looked devastating in its pasting of Pittsburgh, combining a vicious defense with Joe Flacco and a heavy dose of Ray Rice. Tennessee is a mess, quarterbacked by a man who was dumped in favor of Tarvaris Jackson. You do the math.

Cleveland (-2) at Indianapolis: Only one team here has a Peyton playing and it ain't the Colts. That, ladies and gentlemen, is all you need to know. (Although it's worth noting that only one Colt--McCoy--will be playing, and he also isn't on the Colts.)

Jacksonville at NY Jets (-9 1/2): No one wants to see Rex Ryan be stifled more than this Pats' fan, but Luke McCown is not the QB to make it happen.

Seattle at Pittsburgh (-14): Playing a prideful Steelers team that was destroyed on opening day by the arch-rival Ravens is a perfect recipe for the Seahawks to start 0-2.

Arizona at Washington (-3 1/2): Two teams can say they beat teams with 400-yard passers in Week 1: The Cardinals and Patriots. You know where I'm going with this. Does anyone really think Rex Grossman has another 300-yard game in him?

Green Bay (-9 1/2) at Carolina: Cam Newton looked pretty fabulous in his first start, but that was the Cardinals. Playing the Packers at home helps. A little. Very little.

Dallas (-3) at San Francisco: Tony Romo should be thankful for one thing this week--no matter how stupid he plays, he'll still be a whole lot better than Alex Smith.

San Diego at New England (-7): As if there's any doubt where I'll fall on this one. Did you see the Pats' win over Miami last week? With that offense, this could be 2007 all over again.

Houston (-3) at Miami: Chad Henne had the game of his life last week, at home, and still got beat by 14. This is going to be a long season in South Beach.

Cincinnati at Denver (-4): No matter how unproven the Bengals passing game is under Andy Dalton, Kyle Orton will find a way to blow this for the Broncos.

Philadelphia (-2 1/2) at Atlanta: Probably the hardest game to pick this week. Falcons fans will be ready for Vick's return. So will Vick. I expect him to have a big game, but the crowd will make the difference for the Falcons.

MONDAY
St. Louis at NY Giants (-5 1/2): I don't know why, but I really expected the Rams to put up a better fight against the Eagles last week. Then again, I also expected Eli Manning to outplay Rex Grossman. Ultimately, not having Steven Jackson will prove too much to ask of Sam Bradford.