Week 7: Not Exactly the Peak of the Season

Couch Potato would be hard-pressed to argue that any weekly schedule this season could be more lackluster than week 7. Not only are we in the dog days of the schedule—not far enough into the season for true playoff jostling, but far enough for teams to be beaten up and exhausted—but take a look at the assortment of the league’s best stories who will be on the sideline this week:

-The Bills, surprise darlings of the AFC and one of the league’s most entertaining teams;

-The Lions, surprise darlings of the NFC and one of the league’s most entertaining teams;

-The Bengals, themselves a surprise at 4-2, who just may have pulled off one of the all-time great trade deadline deals, getting what could end up being two first-round picks for Carson Palmer, who was probably never going to play for them again anyway and likely won’t make Raiders fans forget Kenny Stabler;

-The Patriots, perennial contenders who were thought to be in transition, saddled with a porous defense, but are instead as dominant as ever thanks to the continued wizardry of Tom Brady;

-The Eagles, perennial contenders who were thought to be positioned for a Super Bowl run, but are instead this season’s poster child for organizational dysfunction; and

-The Giants, who qualify merely because as a contending team in New York they attract large television audiences.

That being said, there are still games on the schedule, and although Couch Potato will be attending Neil Young’s Bridge School Benefit show at Shoreline Amphitheatre, and thus not paying attention to the on-field action, he’ll trudge ahead with his thoughts on a lineup that lacks any game that could be considered must-see TV:

San Diego (4-1) at NY Jets (3-3)
The best story angle here is on the sidelines, where the Jets’ Rex Ryan and Chargers’ Norv Turner have been exchanging chippy barbs about theoretical Super Bowl rings. Uh, guys, just a reminder: You don’t have any, and Couch Potato is willing to bet you never will. Especially you, Norv.

Chicago (3-3) at Tampa Bay (4-2)
What’s that I heard? Jay Cutler was cussing out Mike Martz on the field for his play calls? My, that’s so out of character. To be fair, though, this time Cutler has a real beef: He must be painfully aware that QBs playing in Martz’ offenses have been sacked 40-plus times in each of the past 10 seasons, including the 63 times Cutler’s gone down since the start of last season. Ouch.

Washington (3-2) at Carolina (1-4)
What is wrong with Mike Shanahan? He has a surprisingly good thing going with Rex Grossman, who reverts to form for one game—and Shanahan benches him? For John Beck? It’s not like Beck’s exactly Don Strock. (A reference for you long-time fans—and anyone who watched that classic 1982 playoff battle with Dan Fouts.)

Atlanta (3-3) at Detroit (5-1)
The Falcons playing on the road—much less against a quality opponent—is like a meal at McDonalds: it induces a lot of nausea. However, if his team does manage to pull off the upset, Atlanta head coach Mike Smith better think very carefully about how he approaches his post-game handshake with the Lions’ Jim Schwartz, who’s probably still chasing Jim Harbaugh.

Seattle (2-3) at Cleveland (2-3)
Really, people, does anyone outside of these two cities give a damn about this game? Flip a coin, and move on. Nothing to see here.

Denver (1-4) at Miami (0-5)
Talk about two teams who have had high hopes dashed on the shores of Lake Choke-and-Gag. But the intrigue factor here is significantly buoyed by the Broncos’ decision to start Tim Tebow in place of Kyle Orton.

Houston (3-3) at Tennessee (3-2)
Another promising year is in jeopardy of dissolving into another disappointing ending in Houston, where the once high-flying Texans have lost their mojo, and will probably be playing without Andre Johnson once again. Not a great setup for a road game against a division rival coming off a bye week following a brutal loss.

Kansas City (2-3) at Oakland (4-2)
Let’s see…what’s the storyline here? The storied Raiders-Chiefs rivalry? The Raiders resurgence? The pressure building on Chiefs QB Matt Cassell and head coach Todd Haley? Oh, that’s right…there’s some guy named Palmer who may be taking snaps for the Silver & Black. And forget all this talk of taking it slowly—the Raiders did not trade their future for Carson Palmer so they could start Kyle Boller. Period.

Pittsburgh (4-2) at Arizona (1-4)
And to think, these two teams faced off in the Super Bowl less than 3 years ago. Don’t be fooled by the Steelers’ record. This is an old team getting older by the week. As for the Cardinals, I’m guessing someone’s figured out by now that Kevin Kolb isn’t the answer.

Green Bay (6-0) at Minnesota (1-5)
This could get ugly. The Packers offense is firing on as many cylinders as a football team can have, and their surprisingly mediocre defense can look forward to a get-well party with rookie Christian Ponder set to make his first start for Minnesota. Who can blame the Vikings? If Kolb hasn’t been the answer in Phoenix, Donovan McNabb has been the anti-answer in Minneapolis.

St. Louis (0-5) at Dallas (2-3)
No team can fall too low to look forward to a game against the Cowboys, who seem to play to the level of their competition every week, but always find a way to fall a bit short. If Dallas loses this one, expect Jerry Jones to pull out his machete and start looking for heads to chop off.

Indianapolis (0-6) a New Orleans (4-2)
Amazing how one man’s absence hangs over a game. If Peyton Manning suits up for this, it’s a hotly anticipated rematch of the Super Bowl XLIV. Without him, it’s just another mid-season mismatch. Couch Potato will be interested to find out if, when the Saints inevitably are up by 3 or 4 touchdowns late in the game, Sean Payton does what so many of his peers seem unwilling to do—pull Drew Brees and make sure a silly injury doesn’t send the Saints’ season up in smoke.

MONDAY NIGHT
Baltimore (4-1) at Jacksonville (1-5)
The producers of Monday Night Football would like you to know that those responsible for scheduling the series of dogs we’ve been subjected to have been sacked. Then again, this matchup probably looked a lot better before Jack Del Rio mysteriously released David Garrard just before the season started. Sure looks like a good move now, eh?

Niners-Lions Highlights a Gout-Free Lineup

Couch Potato scoured the injury reports this week, and this much is confirmed: No players are expected to miss games this week due to gout. Alas, CP hasn’t been so lucky—he suffered through a terrible attack of gout last week, causing him to post an abbreviated column very late Saturday night, meaning it’s possible that nary a human being has read it. In other words, it was pretty much like all of his earlier columns.

This was very sad, given that the Potato was looking forward to doing a little gloating after a dominant 15-1 week in which he captured his first outright weekly title in what seems like forever, just two weeks after sharing the pot. That’s right, folks—it’s Green Bay, Detroit and Couch Potato, all at the top of their games.

On the football field, a wholly unpredictable season continued to deliver surprising results, and after 5 weeks, we have two divisions—the NFC West and AFC South—that look completely upside-down. Two consensus picks for division championships—Indianapolis and St. Louis—have yet to win a game between them (although Indy obviously has one of the all-time great explanations for its futility, having gone from Peyton Manning to Kerry Collins to Curtis Painter, which is like going from a Mercedes to a Buick Skylark to a rusty bicycle). Meanwhile, two perennial doormats—Houston and the 49ers—find themselves at the top of their divisions.

Throw in the Buffalo Bills’ fast start, the Philadelphia Eagles’ total implosion, and the NY Jets’ 3-game losing streak, and insanity reigns over much of the league. That’s not to say there aren’t some things playing to form—the Packers’ and Patriots’ strong play and the Cowboys’ strange brand of melodrama are all things we can set our watches by at this point. But if there’s anything we should all have learned by now, it’s that there’s no rhyme or reason from one week of the NFL schedule to the next.
That said, Couch Potato will at least take a crack at shedding light on this week’s slate of games:

San Francisco (4-1) at Detroit (5-0)
What once appeared to be a dog of a game now has the look of a marquee match-up. On one side we’ve got emerging sensation Matthew Stafford throwing to a ridiculous assortment of weapons including Calvin Johnson, Brandon Pettigrew and Javhid Best. On the other side awaits Patrick Willis and the 49ers’ tenacious D (with apologies to Jack Black). Something’s gotta give.

Cleveland (2-2) at Oakland (3-2)
The ghost of Al Davis will try to help the Raiders go to 4-2 as the Silver & Black play their first home game without Davis in his box since the Norman Conquest. Coming into a haunted Black Hole with an unsatisfied Peyton Hillis (who now says he doesn’t expect to be back in Cleveland next year) is not what the Browns had in mind.

St. Louis (0-4) at Green Bay (5-0)
Does Couch Potato really have to break this game down? Isn’t it abundantly apparent what’s going to happen? Go ahead, pick the Rams—the Potato dares you!

Jacksonville (1-4) at Pittsburgh (3-2)
Couch Potato doesn’t know what was a bigger surprise: That Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger threw 5 TD passes last week on a bum ankle, or that Roethlisberger didn’t celebrate by groping a woman. Mizzou alum and starting Jags’ QB Blaine Gabbert gets Troy Polamalu & Co. this week, followed by Ray Lewis and the Ravens next week. Talk about throwing him to the wolves.

Philadelphia (1-4) at Washington (3-1)
Having already dug themselves an almost insurmountable hole, the Eagles are essentially playing for their playoff lives now. Lose this one, and the season’s a wash—while the Redskins would join Detroit and Buffalo as one of the league’s big surprises.

Carolina (1-4) at Atlanta (2-3)
The Falcons owe a big thank you to Philadelphia, without whom they would probably be the league’s biggest disappointment. A fashionable pre-season Super Bowl pick, Atlanta will have to make a run just to squeeze into the playoffs. A loss is likely to leave them a whopping 4 games back in the division.
So much for this being Matt Ryan’s big breakout season.

Indianapolis (0-5) at Cincinnati (3-2)
The latest stop on the Colts’ express train to Andrew Luck Station; the Bengals, riding back-to-back wins behind rookie QB Andy Dalton, will be only too happy to accept Indy’s generosity.

Buffalo (4-1) at NY Giants (3-2)
What might have looked like a dangerous game for the Bills took on a different tenor after the Giants were lit up at home by Seattle—and the great Charlie Whiteside—last week. Reports are that several new veins appeared on Tom Coughlin forehead in the aftermath of that inexcusable loss.

Houston (3-2) at Baltimore (3-1)
The Texan’s potent offense has been held in check the past two weeks at home, and now it goes on the road to face the most ferocious, ball-hawking unit in the league. This game will tell us a lot about how much of a contender Matt Schaub et al really are.

Dallas (2-2) at New England (4-1)
Let’s see—on one side you have a soap opera starring a QB who seems to suffer some kind of brain lock late in close games. On the other, you have the league’s most ruthlessly efficient—and largely drama-free—winning machine. You do the math.

New Orleans (4-1) at Tampa Bay (3-2)
Still stinging from their pasting by the 49ers last week, the Bucs canceled all their practices this week and instead provided players with counseling for post-traumatic stress disorder. With the Saints coming into town, they might want to keep those counselors handy.

Minnesota (1-4) at Chicago (2-3)
Donovan McNabb vs. Jay Cutler. If that doesn’t sum up this game, then Couch Potato doesn’t know what would.

MONDAY
Miami (0-4) at NY Jets (2-3)
New York is a heavy favorite, but with the Jets in a swoon and the Dolphins happy to be away from their house of horrors in Miami, this is one of those crazy AFC East games that’s likely to deliver a classic finish. And lest you forget, the Fish are 3-0 on the road against the Jets under current head coach Tony Sparano. Then again, Matt Moore is starting at QB for Miami, so all bets are off.